Fellow artists

I haven't been able to read about experiences similar to mine when it comes to my perfectionism OCD so I was wondering if anyone had any "uncommon" experiences.

I’ve had OCd my whole life since I was young. It’s just never bothered me. In January this year I had a severe onset which within a month led to some thoughts of suicide, worthlessness, etc. My OCD comes from my career choice and path to be a musician and be a professional guitarist. I play in professional bands that do wedding gigs etc. I practice incessantly and that’s where the OCD comes in. I felt worthless in February because I felt like I can never get better, I’ll never be good enough, or I’ll never achieve what I want. I ended up getting a therapist and a few sessions later I felt a lot better. I was on the up and up and no longer trying to play till 3 am in the morning to perfect something. So much to the point we dialed back sessions and I thought we were close to being out of the woods Fast forward to now and I feel back at square one. A large part of this I think is my uncle passed away and I really mourned his passing a lot. That seemed to be the catalyst for this. But now I’m at a point where once again I feel worthless. I feel like my life is meaningless because everytime I pick up the guitar I can never progress to where I want. If I don’t get what I’m working on in one practice session say a song or a solo it was a waste of time and I’m no good. Yet if I don’t play for hours on end I consider the day a waste because I could’ve been practicing guitar, getting better at my craft. And this intense OCD that makes a vicious cycle with guitar has caused me to hate it and hate that I do it. I no longer have the joy of playing like how I did when I picked it up and now I dread working and doing gigs because of it. It’s been such a long 6 month battle with OcD I just want to be better. I try to tell myself I should live a balanced and have relationships with my gf, friends, family, and that I can have those things, practice a few times a week for like 2-3 hours and achieve what I want. But everytime I say that my OCD trips out and I fall back in. My ocd says I should practice for 8 hours a day, commit myself to guitar so that I can achieve what I want. And what makes it harder is that ocd is backed up by rational thoughts like the fact that practicing does make you better, the best guitarist do practice a lot, etc. I’m just feeling hopeless. I need figure out if I want to live a balanced life or dive into guitar. Neither of them feel like the right decision, and at the same time they both do. My erp training, cbt and everything I talk about with my therapist goes flying out the window when the thoughts get heavy. I just want to be able to achieve my wants and goals on guitar and hopefully not loose my friends family and Girlfreind in the process. Yet I don’t even know what my goals are on guitar at this point because of the cycle I’ve put myself through. Idk if anyone has ever had the experience with ocd and music/career path but if anyone has insight or advice I would appreciate. Thank you 🙏

Hi all! Im unsure if this is related to my perfectionism ocd or just insecurity but I wanted to ask for advice if anyone is able to give any! Sorry if this is an inappropriate use of the community space if this doesn’t end up being ocd related. (also sorry for the long rant ahead) For context, I’m an art University student and I’ve been working with a specific client during school breaks for years who I’ve built a relationship with. I was unable to take on a project of hers because of other responsibilities, and they asked if I had any recommendations for an artist they could work with on the project. I sent them the contact information of one of my friends who is a very talented illustrator. This other illustrator I have worked with before and they’re super skilled, and in multiple situations they’ve completed projects people have loved, where similar projects of my own people have dismissed or disliked. Im worried that by sending their contact information, my client will no longer want to work with me ever and I’ve just ruined my career because my art isn’t as “good” as theirs. Ive been shaking and on the verge of tears since I sent the message a couple hours ago and super anxious that my life is ruined, even though part of me knows that I’m overreacting and I will work with the client again. I feel like throwing up and like i should redo every drawing in my current project to make everything more “perfect” although I’m unsure how to do that. This is not the first time I’ve felt this insecurity. Although I pride myself on loving the learning process and taking critique well, I completely fold when it comes to comparing myself to my peers, and this insane perfectionism kicks in where I feel like I need to redo everything until its perfect (the worst time was when I redid a project 20 times for a class.) I dont know if this is OCD or not, but its messing with my head and I really want to make sure I dont lose my love of art over this weird comparison habit. And I really dont want to lose my client or ruin my career over this recommendation. Sorry for the long rant. If anyone has advice I’d appreciate it so much, and I hope everyone is having a good day! If not, I hope it gets better, and I hope you can find safety in your own mind, even if its just for a minute or two. I’m so glad this space exists for people to talk.