Hey guys so my psychiatrist basically said I suffer from moderate OCD and prescribed me Sertraline(Zoloft) but I needed up canceling my Medicine and my whole entire visit there because none of the therapist does ERP so I decided to try a place the specialize in OCD. I wanna stay far way from meds. I suffer from OCD killer thoughts but is this considered OCD when you think you have a mental illness where gonna go all crazy and start being violent? Like at times I’m scared I’m bipolar, or schizophrenic. Before I would be worried and anxiety would rise when I thought of hurting other people, but now sometimes my urges feel so real I think about hurting someone and I feel like I enjoy it and I don’t feel the guilt. And sometimes I feel intense guilt for my parents thinking wow I feel so bad for their daughter cause she’s gonna be a murderer. Like sometimes I feel like I could do things I was once scared of. Like for instance, today there was this dude staring at me and I straight forward told him with an attitude “ what are you staring at” And sometimes all my other old intrusive thoughts come back ( aka being bisexual, committing suicide, thinking about self harm) what do I do... I feel like a mess. And I constantly search up all the other mental disorders that Amanda Bynes has and lady Gaga. I’m so confused I’m a mess. I feel anxiety but then my minds tells me I love murder, jail and violence. Sorry this is so long I’m so lost I wanna be normal again.

I was diagnosed with harm OCD 1 year ago, it all started with a clear image of me killing my ex girdriend with a knife and it rapidly evolved to seeing imagens of myself killing random people etc I was doing therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist and taking sertraline but then i had some changes in my life and I stopped the therapy and the medication I was getting better, but last week I had a car crush it all started again, I think all the time about killing People, I allways have that strange sensation on my belly and on my back like an adrenaline rush or something when I have this e thoughts. I cry a lot when alone, I think about killing myself, I think in good moments and I feel bad about it, anxious etc. I don’t know what to do, I’m affraid to be alone. It’s crazy. I’m affraid of really being a serial killer or a psychopath or some pedofile IDK it is just crazy. I somebody experiencing the same ?

I’m tired guys. I’m tired of thinking something is always wrong with my health, tired of letting random symptoms/ sensations take over my brain and make me think something is horribly wrong. Tired of thinking I need to go to the doctors to get X & Y looked at. I’m tired of always assuming worst case scenario. I’m tired of constantly thinking if something is unethical/ immoral if I don’t do something, tired of always thinking I’m offending a religious higher being, tired of thinking I’m a bad/ disgusting person for my thoughts. I’ve had OCD ruin so many things for me that should have been fun. It’s ruined intercourse/ intimacy because of religious thoughts, or I keep thinking about STDs/ infections. I’ve been having panic attacks lately, something I’ve never experienced, because of life changes and it’s all gotten in the way of my structured life and it’s been very uncomfortable. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in danger, or nothing is real. Right now I’m fearing the most that I’m losing my mind, who I am, and I’m just so scared of my mental health getting worse and going manic or developing a dangerous mental illness. My mental health has NEVER been this bad. This is all new and it’s so scary. I was just fine a few months ago, sure I was dealing with other OCD stuff, the intrusive thoughts, the fears, the repetitive actions just to make sure something is the way I want it/ brings me comfort. But ever since my structure was changed/ ruined, it’s all been downhill. I just finished an EMT program, and that messed with me. Saw/ experienced things I’ve never done before and man, it’s really messed with me. Working on getting a new job in healthcare but still don’t have insurance so getting a new OCD specialized therapist has been difficult. Can someone relate just so I don’t feel like I’m crazy?..

So for the past month I have been dealing with the theme of going into a psychosis/or becoming schizophrenic. Having thoughts like is this really my reality? I am really here? I’m I just hallucinating what I want to see and did something horrible? Very scary thoughts. I’ve also been dealing with harm intrusive towards myself and towards my family. Recently this week I’ve developed a new theme of fearing not being able to sleep and going crazy from not being able to sleep. I lay there at night waiting to fall asleep and no matter how tired I was all day sleep doesn’t come. And then when I actually get some hours of sleep I question if I really slept and didn’t just hallucinate sleep. Which is very ridiculous I know. I’m just really scared and feel so helpless right now. I haven’t been diagnosed for OCD but I’m positive it’s what I have. I’m just so tired and feel like crying all the time. Sleep was the one thing I had to escape from all this crap and now that has gotten taken away from me as well. I just want my life back. Yesterday my family came over and for once I was able to forget about the thoughts for the time they were here and it felt so nice. I’m trying so hard to be okay for my family but I’m not. Im drowning on the inside and I just want to breathe. I can’t afford therapy right now and I have been prescribed sertraline 25mg for my anxiety but I’m to scared to take it. If anyone can relate or give me advice it would be greatly appreciated. I know reassurance is not what I should be getting but I’m just so scared.