Sharing insights on overcoming ROCD; open to questions for support and tools.

Thank you so much for posting this question! 🙌 I completely understand where you're coming from! Marriage can indeed evoke a mix of emotions, and societal expectations often paint it as the pinnacle of happiness and a fairy tale beginning. In reality, many individuals experience doubts and insecurities leading up to their wedding day. I vividly recall having a heartfelt discussion with my wife just a few days before our own wedding because I was grappling with uncertainties about my love for her and whether I found her attractive. Despite these challenging doubts and intrusive thoughts, I proceeded with the wedding, cherished time with my wife, and made it through the day. What you're feeling is more common than you may realize, even though people rarely talk about it due to the perceived embarrassment surrounding such topics. The fact that you are open and mature enough to discuss these thoughts speaks volumes about your character. Keep in mind that marriage is essentially a construct—a tradition that has been upheld for centuries. There's no set rule for how you should feel about it, especially when the prevailing notion surrounding marriage entails spending a lifetime with the same person and being sexually exclusive. Please be gentle with yourself. From my perspective, it seems like you are indeed "ready" to get married, even if you believe otherwise. It's akin to when women express a desire to have everything in order before starting a family—they often discover that there's never a "perfect" time. Marriage follows a similar principle; there's no such thing as being completely ready. Ultimately, it boils down to compatibility. If you've been together for a year and a half, genuinely care about each other, and the thought of something unfortunate happening to your partner saddens or upsets you, then you likely made the right choice in selecting your current partner. Do not let your intrusive thoughts about your partner flaws control your life. The more you let them control your life, the stronger they will be. You could try to do a marriage simulation experiment. Try to act for a month as if you were already married. If you guys can easily stand each other for a couple of months without one of you leaving the house super upset, sleeping at a different bed, or feeling miserable most of the time, then you'll probably be fine married. Finally, don't allow intrusive thoughts about your partner's flaws to dictate your life. The more power you give them, the stronger they become. Let's try an experiment: a simulation of married life. Act as if you were already married for a month. See if you can comfortably coexist during this trial period—no storming out of the house in anger, no sleeping in separate beds, and minimal misery. If you can navigate these challenges together, then chances are you'll do just fine in marriage. Remember, don't let anxiety overshadow your day. Feeling anxious and unwell? That's okay! Fake it till you make it! Simply let your partner know you're not feeling your best without delving into extensive explanations (unless necessary), and try to embrace and enjoy the present moment, even if your mind tells you to retreat to bed because wakefulness seems pointless. I repeat, don't let your emotions ruin your day. Just like a sturdy ship can navigate through a fierce storm and reach its destination, you too can weather the storm of emotions and find joy and fulfillment. Keep a positive outlook, focus on the good, and maintain open communication with your partner. Remember that no relationship is flawless, but with love, effort, and a sense of adventure, you can overcome challenges and build a beautiful life together. Trust in yourself, trust in your partner, and trust in the journey ahead.

@HenryMP27 HenryMP27, thank you for your reply, but I am a born again Christian and don't believe in living together before marriage. So we wouldn't do what you suggest. Plus we are long distance. But I do appreciate your encouragement and kind words.

@Sunshineflowers7 Got it! My wife and I had a long-distance relationship that lasted over 4 years before we were finally able to live in the same country. I understand how difficult it can be. Unfortunately, in this case, all you can do is hope things work out. It truly is a leap of faith. I say this from personal experience! Good luck! 🙏

@HenryMP27 My boyfriend and I are only a little over 2 hours away so we do visit each other on the weekends.

Hey there! Sorry! I just read this! Haha, it's been 2 months, but l'd dare to say that despite your rOCD, you still managed to make your relationship work. Right? Hehe. Alright... Weather the thoughts are true or not is irrelevant. It's not only irrelevant, but fixating on finding the answer to this question is unhelpful. Instead, you must embrace the uncertainty of relationships and learn how to be okay with it. I've been happily married (whatever this means to you) to my wife for almost 3 years. We've been together since 2016 though. l love my imperfect relationship. I accept the possibility that things may not work out at some point in our lives. That's okay! Life is waaaaaay too unpredictable, and pretending that we can tell future through intrusive thoughts is a habit that only brings us suffering. My advice? Learn to enjoy the present moment through mindfulness. Stop thinking about the past or the future. Stop ruminating. Accept that life comes with pain. Embrace the pain. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy life.

I totally understand where you're coming from, and it seems like you've already achieved something remarkable: the ability to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner in a healthy and non-compulsive manner. The key to truly enjoying things despite anxiety is to make peace with the fact that anxiety may be present. It doesn't mean that it won't make your experience more challenging, but it prevents you from resorting to reckless behaviors like suppressing your feelings and pretending everything is fine. Here's a tip for you: simplify your feelings into a lighthearted keyword. In our case, it's "Hotpot." When one of us feels uneasy or anxious, we playfully ask, "Hotpot?" and the other person can openly express how they're feeling. Why do we do this? Because we all know that the question, "Are you okay?" can often trigger a negative response, despite society suggesting otherwise. Instead of constantly chasing the elusive perfect experience, learn to acknowledge thoughts and feelings that don't serve you well. Share them with your partner in a constructive way, set them aside, and focus on fully enjoying the present moment without fixating on finding the "right way" to do so. Embrace the freedom of letting go and embracing the joy of the here and now.

@HenryMP27 Thank you so much! This helps me a lot

@tired! You are very welcome! 🙌

Oh, I'd be more than happy to assist you with that, as physical attraction has always played a significant role in my life. In fact, I used to find myself overly focused on my partner's physical appearance due to my rOCD. The pivotal moment came when I realized that the problem did not lie in my partner's physical appearance but rather in the excessive importance I placed on it. I used to question how someone could be attracted to another person if they didn't fit conventional beauty standards. I mistakenly believed that one's self-worth was solely based on their looks, disregarding what truly mattered. When my wife and I decided to explore non-monogamy, it allowed me to understand that physical appearance is remarkably limited, and a desirable physique cannot compare to the value of a remarkable personality. To conclude, the issue wasn't that I disliked my partner's looks; it was that I mistakenly believed their appearance held the utmost importance in our relationship. Once you come to appreciate what genuinely matters, physical appearance becomes slightly irrelevant.

It is completely normal to feel attracted to other people, whether it's a friend or someone connected to your boyfriend. It's okay to acknowledge their attractiveness and even have sexual fantasies about them. It's important to remember that your thoughts and fantasies don't define your morals or the strength of your relationship. Once you and your partner are able to openly explore your fantasies without judgment or jealousy, you can embrace and enjoy the attractions you feel towards others. In fact, it can enhance your relationship. If you look up the term "compersion," you'll find it refers to this concept of finding joy in your partner's connections and attractions beyond the relationship. It can lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation of each other. Remember, healthy communication and trust are vital in navigating these feelings and desires within a relationship. Open discussions and mutual understanding can help both of you navigate any insecurities or concerns that may arise. Overall, it's important to embrace the fact that attraction to others is a normal part of being human. As long as there is openness, honesty, and respect in your relationship, you can find ways to embrace and enjoy these feelings without feeling guilty or bad about them.

Hello there! First and foremost, I want you to know that the patterns you described, such as seeking reassurance and feeling guilty about pressuring your partner, are actually quite common. It's interesting because my wife used to do something similar to me on occasion. She would ask me questions, even when she already knew the answer she wanted to hear. If I gave the "right" answer, things were fine (although sometimes one question led to another, and before we knew it, we were caught in a fight). It's fantastic that you're self-aware enough to recognize this as an area for personal growth. Here's the good news: your partner can also play a role in how you both communicate, ensuring that seeking reassurance doesn't leave you feeling hurt. Together, you can come up with a keyword or phrase that acts as a gentle reminder when you start seeking reassurance. This allows both of you to be mentally prepared for the potentially uncomfortable conversation, and it feels like you're navigating a minefield together, rather than against each other. Maybe something like "Minefield" could work—though I must admit, that sounds quite explosive! Haha! On a lighter note, perhaps a less destructive keyword like "Eggshell" could do the trick. The important thing is to find a term that resonates with you both and serves as a helpful cue. By establishing this communication strategy, you're creating a supportive environment where you can openly address your concerns without unnecessary tension. Remember, it's a journey you're embarking on together, and finding ways to navigate challenges with love, understanding, and a touch of humor can make all the difference. So, keep those lines of communication open, find your keyword, and enjoy the adventure of growth and deeper connection in your relationship!

@HenryMP27 Thank you so much. This has been so helpful for me as I’m on my way to getting better. I am so glad you posted this thread!

@HenryMP27 Hopeless in terms of not being able to overcome. Not being able to not feel anxious in regards to your partner

@HenryMP27 I sometimes feel like i can’t recognize my partner but sometimes i can. Can i overcome this

@HenryMP27 Im more afraid of feeling like i cant recognize my partner feeling numb and just anxious in general. Ik in my heart i dont want to lose this but its so hard.