- Date posted
- 2y
Intrusive thoughts
I am having a rough patch with my ocd, well, that's to say that it's been better.. I have never gotten treatment for the ocd, because unfortunately in comparison to my other MH diagnosis (PTSD, Panic Disorder and Bulemia) It doesn't take precedent and my former psych doctor wanted to treat the ocd as more of "symptom" of my other disorders (yeah ok doc bc obsessively cleaning my feet while reciting a mantra about my boyfriend continuing to love me in the shower everytime I get in is not ocd, your right.) I have since stayed away from treatment, because hearing that the thing that probably causes me the most distress is on the back of the platter is something I couldn't deal with. I am struggling. Like I'm really really struggling. My Boyfriend is going on trip for three weeks, I am also going on a 5 day vacation with my mom. I keep having a thought pattern that I'll have something bad happen or he will have something bad happen during this trip. Hence why I'm making my first post on nocd. I don't know what to do. It's so discouraging because I just wanna be happy for him and excited for my vacation and continue to pray for us but I'm just crying and freaking out about these intrusive thought patterns. I wish I had a way to deal with these thoughts. I wish I had a way to deal with the compulsions. I haven't ever had treatment for ocd and I just wanna get better. I have 4 diagnosis and this is the one that brings me the most stress. I have so many compulsions that I do daily, that are something I have to do everytime I do a mundane task like leaving the bathroom or putting a show on my TV or walking into my home. It even effects the way I pray which really aucks because God is one of the few sources of peace I have in this whole array of MH diagnosis and I can't even talk to him without this ocd thing impacting it. Like I'll be afraid if I don't pray the same way say the same things the same amount of times that something bad will happen. The uncomfortablilty of thinking something awful will happen if I don't is too much. I have intrusive thoughts that if I don't comply with my compulsions someone will get hurt, or that evil things (like demons or ghosts or spirits) will try to get me or come for me. I have intrusive thoughts that because I tried to previously fight these compulsions that bad things have already happened (like I'll blame my previous misfortunes that I do know have nothing to do with it on my failure to complete a compulsions.) I am even having compulsions about the way I'm typing this post. I am so so exhausted. I just needed to vent in a safe space. I want to get help, and I will. I just want to figure out where to go. I want in person therapy I know that. So, that's for reading this yall. I'm praying for you. I really am.