ROCD

Adults only please. Boyfriend has been getting on my nerves this week and has not been considerate at all when it comes to my triggers. He calls my ocd "anxiety" with air quotes. He is angry and mean one second and anxious and crying for me the next. I told my therapist today about some of my issues and we talked about some ways to cope if anything happened over the weekend. Earlier today I was messaging someone on Facebook, who initially messaged me with OCD questions/concerns. I was talking to them for a while, and deeply empathizing with this person I met today. Earlier, bf said a few passive aggressive things, but I did not react, per my agreement with my therapist today. Eventually bf goes into our bedroom and is by himself for a while. I got up to use the bathroom, and I assume he heard me as he called my name. I went into the bedroom and he said in a weird tone "can we have a quickie?" I said no. He asked why and I said I didn't have to give a reason why, per therapist's recommendations. He followed me out to the living room and sat down next to me and started talking about how he is "starting to realize what [he] really wants in a relationship..." and starts saying break-upy things. I tried not to let him affect my anxiety. I told him I was uncomfortable and told him I wanted to be alone. He said he wouldn't leave so I went into the bedroom, closed the door and texted my therapist. He came into the bedroom (we agreed 3 days ago that after i become upset, I will come to him when i am ready to talk) and sat super close to me on the bed. I tilt my phone away from him, because I'm texting my therapist about him, and he starts asking what app I'm on and getting nosey. I told him I was texting my therapist and I was getting all anxious because I was expecting confrontation or accusations about who I was talking to, since I sensed jealousy earlier when talking to OCD facebook person. I started crying and asking him to go away and he wouldnt. I came back out to the living room and put headphones on and ignored him as he proceeded to tap me and stare at me and yell over the headphones. Eventually, he turned off the internet (I assume, because the internet "magically" shut off last time we argued) so I connected to my phone's hot spot. Then, he put his hand out asking for his controller back (I was holding ps5 controller). I didn't hand it to him, per my therapist's recommendations. He went over to the playstation and turned it off. At this point my hydroxyzine is kicking in and I'm calming down. He left the apartment for a few minutes and a minute or two after he got back, I calmly explained to him that it is not a good time to have this kind of conversation, because I am upset and I expressed that at the beginning of this conversation. I was able to calmly communicate a few things before I shut down. He started saying that my behavior was "creepy" and made faces at me as if he were judging me. I was clearly on the verge of a panic attack and he did not help. I did say some impulsive things, but my therapist and I agreed earlier today that if I ask someone to leave me alone, and they persist until I'm at that point, then it is not my fault for being pushed past that point. So I don't want to write this as if I'm completely innocent, because I know I am not. I tried to write this as objectively as possible. Is this abusive behavior on his part?

angelsnax

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I commend you wholeheartedly for being able to set boundaries with him. I’m sorry to hear he didn’t respect them, but omg, setting boundaries is taking care of yourself. Something I am unable to do and it’s exhausting. You did an awesome job of handling it, you found your voice 💕

NODA

Date posted: 2y

Feelings of anxiety and fear when a person who is supposed to support you, understand you, accept you for who you are and love you behaves in a way that causes anxiety and especially fear in you, are alarming signals that it is high time for you to react firmly in one of the two ways. 1. Get out of this relationship as fast as you can. Be careful. Be prepared. You never know how he might react. Having someone to support you by your side could help. He might not get aggressive in a physical way, but he might try to make fun of you, insult you even more and degrade you. Or he might beg you to stay or come back. The last one is a giant NO NO once you've decided to break up with him. 2. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, although I really don't think he deserves it (but you know him better than I): You have ocd. But he clearly has other issues. He needs help. He needs to work on himself, he needs to better himself as a human being. Since I can't imagine him to admit that he does anything wrong, I doubt he will be willing to seek therapy for himself. But if he wants to stay with you, although he himself says he thinks he doesn't, you two need to get into couples therapy and he needs to talk to your ocd therapist or any therapist who specializes in ocd, so he would finally understand what having ocd really means. Until he calls you names and pokes faces at you and doesn't respect your space when you need it, he is your enemy and ocd's best friend. He needs a good kick in his butt. I congratulate you for talking to your therapist, seeking support and guidance from them and letting them know what is happening. You never know when this might be of valuable help. It is great you are standing up for yourself and setting boundaries, but that doesn't help much if he just walks all over you. If it is possible to have a normal conversation with him, where each person talks and listens, give him a chance to see if he loves you or not. Well... it is quite obvious in any case. What I mean to say is, if he is willing to accept your suggestions to go to a therapy/ies than ok. He might have potential. If he makes fun of you, refuses, insults you or does any negative thing that he likes using to put you down, than.... Well... You deserve better. Good luck.

Pubbywomwom

Date posted: 2y

IMO. Yes. Emotional. You asked to be left alone. He should respect that

FIMILI

Date posted: 2y

It seems like he doesn't respect you and especially not your experience with OCD and anxiety. He's treatly you badly by not listening to you or respecting your boundaries. Has the relationship always been like this? This seems very painful and unhealthy.

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Yeah based on this, he’s not respecting you and not listening to you. Can you get some physical space from him for a bit or do you live together?

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Honeyshark This sounds abusive because it sounds like he’s trying to control you, won’t take no for an answer, keeps getting in your space and is acting like your feelings don’t matter. What do you think tho? It’s tough when loved ones treat us like this.

ohseedee8

Date posted: 2y

@Honeyshark we live together. it's a hard situation

Honeyshark

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@ohseedee8 Got ya, that’s super hard. What do you wanna do?

vvuong

Date posted: 24w

ROCD or my values to break up?

I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)

djohnswon

Date posted: 18w

Relationship Troubles

Longer post, but please, I need some guidance. I thought that my thoughts relating to relationship OCD were taking over. But, my bf started treating me differently. I tried to have a conversation and communicate this worry. He then texted me that he had actually been feeling distant for a month and has been meaning to tell me. But “we’re fine now.” I spiraled. Later in the week, he went quiet after a disagreement. After he promised we were okay and he was okay, I found later he was texting a mutual friend (female) that I was crying again. She said that it was fucking insane and other hurtful things about me. He said he lost his trust with me because I looked through his phone and saw that message even though during the whole relationship we had a mutual understanding that we had nothing to hide from each other and he always assured me that I could look through his phone at anytime. It’s ok for boundaries to change in a relationship, but it wasn’t communicated and I was harshly reprimanded. During the texting chain with the mutual friend he also said that “she just has no idea.” When I addressed this, he then said that for the past month, he actually felt he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but still loved me. I’m ruined. I had the same thoughts in January and knew I loved him. I found out it was ROCD (through this app) and told him the day after the realization because it was eating at me. So him saying I wouldn’t understand and telling other seems unjustified. I would’ve been the most understanding. Any help would be appreciated greatly.

Seyt5847!1012

Date posted: 15w

I think my ocd lead to me being emotionally abused

Hi I’ve never posted before but I need to talk with other people that have this too because it’s hard to explain to other people without ocd. I was in a relationship for awhile and we started dating before either of us knew I had ocd. Anyway I have a really bad episode of it that led me to go get on medication and got into therapy. My ocd can have some really taboo themes and thoughts which I have learned is just what comes with the illness. The problem though is when I was really struggling one of my compulsions was confessing and reassurance seeking specifically to the guy I was dating because I trusted him. We both knew at this point that I had ocd and it affected many parts of our relationship particularly our intimacy which he made me feel bad about. He started calling me crazy, just joking, but still. Eventually I start feeling better and we start being intimate again and the day after he breaks up with me. About a month later after I hear he went on a date with another girl (we live together) he tells me he couldn’t be intimate with me because of my intrusive thoughts. We still live together with 2 other roommates so I still see him everyday. We try to be cordial with each other. I still have my moments though I’m still dealing with my ocd and a breakup seemingly caused by it and I cry a lot. Some months go by and he’s dating this other girl and I end up making out with one of my other roommates. I have no idea if my ex knew but the next day when it was only me in the house he starts screaming “THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS” and starts slamming shit. I tell my roommate about this and he and I are both kind of scared of him. He started acting really cold to us after. Then the night before my graduation my two roommates moved out so it’s just me and my ex in the house. In the middle of the night he comes downstairs and in front of my door calls me a horrible name relating to my intrusive thoughts. I open the door and say fuck you and he says you took my fucking friends. I said I didn’t take shit from you and he says yeah and goes upstairs and screams BINGO for some reason. He did it in the middle of the night when we were alone and I had no one to talk to or go to. He blames me because a lot of our friends sided with me in the breakup because they knew what I was going through. He had told me that I could never speak if my intrusive thoughts to anyone including my therapist (I did don’t worry) but he had made me feel so ashamed more than I was already. Also the next day he left a mess for me to clean up since I was the last one to move out. I’m coming to terms with the fact that on top of this awful experience with ocd that I may have been emotionally abused as well.

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