My OCD Story ( LONG STORY )

When I was growing up in my early twenties and involved in drugs and a criminal lifestyle, I ended up in prison for something I didn't do. The first nights in jail made me reflect on my family and the mistakes I had made, feeling disappointed and ashamed. I found solace in a newspaper which I used for sexual gratification, and after three nights, I was transferred to a detention center where I spent a month. Feeling disappointed and overthinking, I started to regain sobriety and realize the gravity of my actions. Anxiety started to consume me, and I continued the sexual behavior as a coping mechanism. Everything felt new to me; I had never been away from my family for such a long time. I overthought and felt uncertain about my future. A few days into detention, around one week in, an intrusive thought about my mother entered my mind. It was a sexual thought/image, saying that I desired to have sex with my mother. I couldn't comprehend where this thought came from and became frightened, desperately wanting to get rid of it. I overthought and engaged in mental rituals, pretending as if the thought didn't exist, but it persisted and plagued my mind. This led to more intrusive thoughts. This is when HOCD (Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) began, and I started having homosexual thoughts and images. Incestuous thoughts emerged, and even pedophilic thoughts. I couldn't understand these thoughts because I had never had them before, but I tried to minimize and suppress them as if they didn't exist. However, they were constantly present, causing more insecurity and confusion. I started saying "I love my mother" and similar phrases to reassure myself that I hadn't become a terrible, evil person. I also believed that once I got out of prison, all of this would vanish. It was just the result of the prison environment and wouldn't carry over to the outside world. I was wrong because as soon as I was released from prison, the thoughts remained. This made me even more anxious and distressed. I genuinely believed that this was shameful and it affected me tremendously. I lived with shame and guilt. The thoughts multiplied and became more shameful and immoral. It began to revolve around pedophilic thoughts, homosexual thoughts, and incestuous thoughts, all of which I strongly opposed. I thought that I had become evil and burdened, and that I needed to live with this burden and endure it. My anxiety became increasingly extreme, leading to moments of isolation. I avoided certain social situations, and even when I was social, the feeling of shame was almost always there. I didn't even consider talking about this for two years. How would people understand these thoughts? What would people think of me? I began to think that I was a terrible person. How could I truly be a Muslim and have these thoughts? Where is my dignity and honor? What kind of man have I become? I cried and prayed to Allah, seeking refuge in Him. I started performing my prayers, believing that Allah was my only hope, as I had no one else to turn to. During these years, there were only a few days where I experienced immense and positive energy, usually in the evenings. I became super active and social and wanted to utilize it by interacting with girls, among other things. During this time, I met some girls, and on the days when I was extremely anxious, I ended up at Thai massage parlors where I sought sexual release. It provided temporary relief, as it confirmed that I wasn't homosexual. However, the thoughts and uncertainty returned immediately afterward, sometimes even during the act itself. I wanted to find a solution to this problem but didn't know where to turn. I tried to improve my daily life and live in a healthier and more favorable way, but it was challenging for me as anxiety took the better part of me. I took action and reflected on how I felt shame and anxiety. Deep down, I always knew that this wasn't me. This was something that had recently emerged, so how could it define me? There was a strength within me that fought against these thoughts every day, knowing that it would eventually pass, even though the feeling of hope wasn't always present when the thoughts and anxiety attacked. I began to understand that my last hope in this situation lay with my imams (religious leaders). I received a revelation from Allah, and I knew that I would soon travel to Iraq. I wasn't extremely excited since I would be traveling with these thoughts, but I had hope that I would return healed. After my pilgrimage, a few months later, I found an OCD program that I purchased. I listened to it, and the speaker explained all my symptoms, and I could relate to the entire program. It was such a relief to understand that this was a psychological illness and not something that defined who I truly am. Knowing that others suffer from this was the best feeling. Since then, I have decided to recover and become completely free from it. I have stuck to my daily exposure exercises, and recently, I have started meditating for about a week or two. Since my recovery journey began, I have been feeling much better, although some days can still be tough. However, I now know how to counter the thoughts and emotions. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know that I'm on the right path. This experience has influenced my life by driving me to seek more knowledge about my religion and faith. I'm trying to get closer to God through knowledge because I know that the closer I get to God, the healthier I become. I have been regularly exercising and haven't given up on it since I don't want to risk feeling even worse. Recently, during my recovery journey, I haven't been meeting girls because I don't feel the same need for it right now. I haven't been intimate with any girls, but I have been meeting them, although not as frequently. I still have some uncertainty about whether I still like girls and desire men. This has resulted in a reduced sense of attraction and desire for the opposite sex. Furthermore, during my exposure exercises, I have experienced erections several times, which has caused extreme anxiety and unease. I have become insecure and sought answers. I understood that it was part of HOCD, and it reassured me. However, I still experience uncertainties about it and whether my HOCD is trying to figure out its true meaning regularly. Nevertheless, I now know how to counter these thoughts through acceptance and ignoring them, letting them exist without giving them power. Now, 2 months into my rehab, I feel like I've come a long way from where I was, and I almost feel completely healed. By that, I don't mean that thoughts and feelings never arise anymore, but rather that I know how to control myself and how little power they have now. It's almost as if they don't exist at all. I want to conclude on a positive note by saying that if I could overcome this, so can you. I lived for 2 years without even understanding what it was, and yet here I am today, feeling a hundred times better. Keep fighting, soldiers!

Mher545

Date posted: 23w

Going through a difficult breakup with OCD

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

Miss.OCD

Date posted: 16w

Let's Chat?!

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

summerloveru...

Date posted: 10w

So...

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

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