im an awful sibling

for context,, theres a 10 yr age gap between me n my sister and an 18 yr age gap w me and my newb brother. the birth of my sister was the first trigger to my pocd. it was severe and sent me into terrible depression that i didnt know how to ever talk about bc of how disgusting i felt, and only got worse as time went on. i "coped" (my rituals) w avoidance, ruminating, research, etc. the past few years have been easier as ive been parentified n havent rlly had a choice, but its still there n ive never really been able to get thru rlly bad moments without either shuttting down or performing the rituals. i was doing better though recently. then boom. a new baby in the house. half of me avoids him because i dont want to develop a bond before leaving the state in like 3 months. i don't want to be parentified and i dont need that added separation anxiety. the other half is the pocd n harm ocd. everytime i see him, hear him, hold him, even think of him, the intrusive thoughts get so so so bad that i depersonalize and even after performing rituals, im in distress. ive been trying to mask by playful teasing, joking that the dog is my favorite brother, isolating, etc. but my parents keep trying to insist i spend more and more time with him. i feel like im going to snap. i dont feel safe with myself or him. i js wanna yell "i dont love him", partly bc its true, and not that i hate him, i js don't feel anything beyond neutrality towards him and distress around him (which i obv do not blame him for). ive had multiple meltdowns already because knowing all of this makes me feel like an absolutely terrible sibling, to him and my sister, and i dont know what to do other than finding excuses because i know if i outright tell them all of this, they will see me differently for the worst. but idk how long i can keep it to myself anymore. its too much and i dont feel like i have anyone to go to. i dont want reassurance for the kind of person or sibling i am or the pocd or harm ocd, i js want to know what the hell i should do because if my parents press me one more time im going to say smth i regret.

AzureSoma

Date posted: 2y

It's hard to find someone to talk too. I've only managed to tell one person, and they're my best friend. If there is someone you think you can talk to, maybe give it a try. It's not easy, not at all, and we never know how someone is going to react. Which is the terrifying part. But I don't think avoidance is the answer. For myself, I've tried that. Tried not being around kids, but sometimes it's not possible. When you find yourself in situations where you can't avoid, try focusing on something else. Easier said than done, but if you focus, say making your brother laugh, or just trying to have fun you might find it easier to be around him.

Mike1975

Date posted: 2y

If you have harm ocd/pocd, you'll distance yourself from the target of your obsessions. you'll feel nothing or try to feel nothing. feeling something exacerbates the obsessions. all I can tell you to do is avoid, avoid, avoid as best you can.

stranger

Date posted: 24w

It’s all going downhill

I’ve been struggling in life in general pretty much this whole year so far. But this week I started thinking about my POCD more and I always try to push through it and go about my day and not let my fears take over. Today my sister randomly told me she’s pregnant. She’s 25 and her boyfriend is 20 and they’ve only been together for a few months. I’m incredibly disappointed and angry with her because it comes off as being so selfish. She can’t take care of herself (neither can he) but they still decide to have a baby. I’m upset. But now I’m also incredibly scared. It’s putting me in a position of having to not only be around but help take care of a baby/kid. I’ve always thought about how one day I’m gonna have to deal with it, but I figured it was later in the future to when I feel more confident in handling my ocd. I also felt that if I were to have to be around a baby/kid all the time that I could mentally spiral and end up killing myself. I hate to make her pregnancy about me but I truly think that in the near future I could possibly get so bad that I come to that point of killing myself. I don’t know if I can handle this right now. I’m scared of how bad I could get. I barely survived the last time and I never had to constantly be around kids. But the times that I had to were the most dreadful times in my life. Of course I’ve gotten better but I still don’t want to be in these scary situations so often. And with her having a kid then I’ll have to be. I don’t think I’m strong enough to constantly push away my fears.

flowerpetals

Date posted: 19w

ongoing anxiety… need advice

there’s currently tension between the members of my family and it’s not only making me stressed, but it’s giving me really bad anxiety. the situation that’s happening is the byproduct of feelings being held in for years on end finally coming out. the situation doesn’t really have to do with me directly but more indirectly. it’s more so between my brother and my mom. and i’m really close with both. i also am home when i’m not at college. anyways, the issue is my harm ocd is latching onto it. lately, if i don’t like someone’s personality or they do something wrong, my harm ocd will latch onto that. this situation it happens to be my mom. but it’s also been my mom for a little bit now because she has faults that she refuses to acknowledge. my ocd is making me believe i hate my mom and so on. and i don’t hate my mom, but there are times where i really dislike her and how she handles situations, like this one. but i hate being at college more than i would hate to go home and i always love being home. it’s just this situation is making my harm ocd not great, making me not want to go home. furthermore, my contamination ocd gets triggered because of my harm ocd as i get nauseous so then i spiral. anyways, i apologize for rambling but i just need either some words of advice or support if anyone wouldn’t mind :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Need help, PLEASE +18

I got diagnosed with OCD (variant POCD) about 3/4 yeats ago. Lately I've been really confused and makes me uncomfortable this ideas that I've had dreams in my sleep where I have romantic/sexual interactions with my older sibling— I know it's disgusting, and I don't know what to do. Recently I got a boyfriend after years of being without a partner, and he makes me so happy along my friends, but sometimes at random points of the day I have this episodes with minors or my sibling, and the ones with him start to go heavier when I'm at home or alone. The first thing that comes to mind for me to do is always how much I don't wanna live, harm myself or what is my purpose at this point (22fem) having this problems. I feel weirded out when I pass them over, and suddendly think about not giving them the atention because how important they are in a negativa way. I'm just anxious writing this, I need help. Is someone living the same? How do you work on it? I will always be like this from now? — thanks in avance and sorry for mistakes, english isn't my first language

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im an awful sibling

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