It’s getting worse again.

Anytime I see my triggers it’s an automatic body reaction that makes me feel like I like what I’m looking at before I even start thinking of the whole picture. Just the first reaction my body is telling me I’m turned on. I don’t even look at the people I usually like the same anymore. My brain and body have just gone into terror mode. It’s telling me im attracted to kids, how I hate my dog and don’t love her, and that everybody hates me. These all go against how I feel but now I don’t even think that’s true anymore. Ocd has taken my identity again, within the span of 3 weeks I have only had 3 good days to myself where I wasn’t feeling any of this and now im feeling it all at once again. Im so tired of not feeling like I don’t know who I am. Im tired of the constant questioning. Im tired of my first reactions not feeling like it’s a big problem to me. Im tired of my brain and body lying to me. Im just tired. Im not strong enough. Im going to a psychiatrist soon and getting in medication in hopes I can find a way to not feel all of this as intensely so I can actually focus on doing erp. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be a pedophile. I don’t want to hate my dog. I don’t want to hate my life. But I am getting to a point where if the universe could do me one favor, I would want it for me to seize existing and for my family to forget about me. They would all be better off and that would mean I can stop overthinking and worrying or even having a conscious. All of this overthinking could’ve gone to something useful but instead I’m in constant battle of not wanting to be a pedophile and I keep losing. I’m not positive enough for this. I just want my suffering to end. I won’t commit suicide but I won’t say no if someone offers to shoot me.

iloveanimals123

Date posted: 2y

Ur not a pedophile. Ur not a bad person. Ur not a bad dog owner. And u most certainly belong here. OCD is so draining, I get it. I’m so proud of u for speaking out and getting help, ur truly an inspiration to us all, including me. Just remind ur self that those intrusive thoughts or desires aren’t real, they r ur OCD. Ur thoughts don’t define u as a person. U cant control these intrusive thoughts and it SUCKS, I know!! But, u need to reassure ur self that ur not a bad person. These thoughts r not real. Ur so brave. I can tell from what u wrote that ur such a good person. U don’t want to get rid of ur self, u want to get rid of ur intrusive thoughts. I get it. Ur feelings are sooooo valid. I’m glad ur getting help. It will all work out. Ur not weird. U belong here.

Rachel2727

Date posted: 2y

I got to a point in my ocd where I thought I was attracted to children and then I learned about false attraction. Even though you’re brain is like “I like this” you don’t actually like it. Because if you did you would go out and do it without a second glance. But I know you want because you’re concerned about it. I understand about the constant questioning. I have the thought that I’m a narcissist and I’m like checking things about myself, I can’t feel my emotions and I’m trying to figure out if I lack empathy. It sucks but you’re not alone.

Rachel2727

Date posted: 2y

@Rachel2727 Won’t not want *

somebodyelse

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Rachel2727 That’s the thing. It just feels so real I don’t even know what my true emotions are anymore. Usually I know what’s real because I react really quickly to it. Even though my fast reactions to pocd happened recently they feel like they are a part of me now. I don’t even think anything bad I’m just like oh look there’s a child and I’m feeling an automatic groinal response with a fluttering heart making me think I am falling for the kid. I barely even look at kids and i get the response. It’s so aggravating and frustrating. Then I keep hearing how people can’t force love it just happens, how if you obsess over someone you have a crush on them. And then my brain goes “you obsess about kids all the time maybe you love them” and this will happen in 30 seconds or less. My brain just draws itself to conclusions I’m so tired.

Rachel2727

Date posted: 2y

@somebodyelse I totally understand about the whole thing that it feels real. Like with my thoughts saying I’m a narcissist, it feels real. But I promise you it’s not. Even when I had the thoughts about the kids, it felt real. I don’t really have much advice on how to get over it because I still haven’t gotten over mine. My brain just found something else to obsess on that wasn’t about kids but I know probably it’ll go back to kids. I mean like today I was having thoughts about kids but it didn’t last long because I’m too concerned on being a narcissist but I promise it’s not you, it’s your ocd.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Rachel2727 How do you stop the false attraction?

Rachel2727

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Honestly I’m not sure. My ocd just kinda switched themes and it somewhat stopped

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

laladracu

Date posted: 16w

OCD is through the roof

i am convinced im a psycho killer. everytime im around my mom or sister i get these intense thoughts of stabbing or hurting them. when they’re not around its not as intense but its still there. its literally on my mind 24/7. im so tense 24/7. were currently looking for a puppy for the family and when me and my sister were playing with them today the thought was still there. nothing distracts me from it. video games and EVERYTHING else doesn’t work. im starting to feel like i WANT to do these things. i was never like this until i had a marijuana induced panic attack in january. i feel like something happened to my brain and its not just ocd anymore. i dont even know if im faking it. i have suffered from relationship ocd, pedophile ocd, and health ocd. i got over those relatively quickly. this new theme came out of nowhere after a panic attack on a plane coming home from a horror convention in february. i dont see a way out of this one. its been months. i try to let them sit and i get a panic attack. all i do everyday is cry. i feel like my life is over. i talk to a therapist and i have tried two medications that didnf work work. i dont know how to live like this. im afraid im gonna lose my relationship and im afraid im gonna lose my whole life ahead of me. im just 22. i just want the old me back.

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It’s getting worse again.

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