False memory

I've been really messed up about my memories lately. I can't trust that what I think is right or wrong. I don't know what happened, like, ever. I don't remember anything properly. But I'm really struggling with this one thing. Whenever I'm really focused on a topic, I'll sort of solve this one part of it and calm down, and then I'll suddenly become convinced—like, I'll have a flashback / "remember" something that convinces me—that I did it a different, worse way. It'll be so vivid. And then the next day, when I'm calmer, I'll think back and I won't remember it at all. Like, I'll know what it was, but it won't seem real anymore. Does this make sense? In short, sometimes when I'm focused on a topic my mind will crop up a memory that convinces me I did it, but when I'm less focused on it I'll look back and realize it probably wasn't real. But it'll be so, so, SO vivid, I can't really believe it didn't happen. For example, I'm convinced that I did something to hurt someone physically in the past, and then I'll eventually realize that I didn't do it—it being stab someone, sorry if that's triggering. Then my mind will calm down. But then, out of the blue, when I'm not even THINKING about this topic, I'll suddenly have this vivid flashback to me stabbing someone. It'll have a few details, like me seeing the person, maybe the color of their shirt, vageuly, but nothing else. Logically, it seems fake, just because of the lack of detail. But then when I think about it, it just FEELS real. And the few details that are there will stand out very vividly: just the red of their t-shirt, or the way my fingers closed around the knife. I'll be convinced it's real for a few days and then I'll look back and think, huh, that doesn't feel real, but I'll continue to wonder if maybe it was. Is this possible? Is my mind playing tricks on itself? Am I just denying the truth? Someone please answer—I'd love to know.

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

This is so similar to what I experience. Some images i think of seem so real and vivid, that it’s hard to ignore. Then I think they are real but rationally there’s a small part that knows nothing happened. But the feeling and images are so strong that I convince myself I did something bad, like hurting someone

TPD

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous Do they also pop up seemingly out of the blue? That’s what happens to me. Thanks so much either way—glad to hear I’m not alone.

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

@TPD Yea usually they are out of the blue. It’s like a feeling that I did something then I somehow come up with a story

Anonymous

Date posted: 3y

I relate so much to everything you described

TPD

Date posted: 3y

@Anonymous Yeah, it’s a pain. Sorry about that :(

AnikaV

Date posted: 16h

Omg, you’re describing exactly what I’ve been going through. I experienced the same thing, and in some ways I still do. There’s one event from my past that I never actually believed had happened. But my boyfriend kept asking me about my past, so I started thinking about it more and more. Then one night, while I was lying in bed, I suddenly saw it happen in my mind, as if it were a real memory. At the same time, my mind was saying things like, “This doesn’t make any sense. I’ve never had this memory before. So why do I feel so guilty?” After that, I started treating everything that seemed even slightly suspicious as possible “proof” that maybe I had actually done it. Some days I laugh at myself and think, “Why would I panic about this now when I never worried about it before?” But on other days I feel so incredibly guilty that I think I have to confess it to my boyfriend. Eventually, I did confess it to him, and it caused so much chaos in our relationship. He had to calm me down and help me understand that I had created all of this in my head because I was so afraid. I honestly understand you 110%. Every time I talked to my boyfriend about it, I felt relieved afterwards. I would think, “There’s nothing there. Nothing actually happened.” But as more time passes, my mind gets pulled back into the same loops, especially because there are still unanswered questions, and the doubts start all over again

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