- Date posted
- 2y
My OCD journey.
Hey guys! Buckle up, here's several years of mental chaos in a nutshell.. I think my story began as a child- I was always the "clean and neat" one. I grew up with 3 brothers, one of which is my twin brother. They never seemed to be as bothered about messes and clutter. I would spend hours rearranging, organizing my room and other areas of the house.. my mother I'm sure appreciated that at times- as a mom to 4 myself now, a cleaning child is indeed a gift at times lol.. but let's fast forward, even numbers- needing to have things "just so" and then realizing I didn't like my own appearance.. I started counting calories, measuring my food, and restricting my diet- this later turned into using laxatives and continuing to restrict food intake off and on for years. I then realized I had an eating disorder but hid it well. I never put two and two together that body dysmorphia, eating disorders and OCD can all go hand in hand. I got ahold of my eating disorder and was fortunate to never be hospitalized- it was more of an "every now and then" sort of thing for me. Fast forward to my early-mid 20s. Out of nowhere it seems, I started having flashbacks randomly of events wondering if I was recalling events correctly. Did I harm people? My patients, my family? Things continued spiraling, and so did i. I was having panic attacks and thinking to myself, this is it. I'm scared of my own self now, I didn't want to die but I also didn't want to continue living like this. This has continued for years- intrusive thoughts of harming myself, others, to wondering oh my gosh, did I touch someone the wrong way? Have I contaminated my children's food? My hands were RAW split open with cracks for 3 years straight because hand washing was my main compulsion, and praying. I still pray- I'm a Christian, my faith has been the one thing keeping me going. I finally thought I was getting better for a while things had quieted, but those thoughts and false beliefs would play like movies in my head every single day.. I'm a nurse, I work with the public of all ages every day. Lately, (circa the past 2-3 years) I find myself having intrusive thoughts at work, the one place I wouldn't have them before. I've gotten good at not having physical compulsions- they're mostly mental now. But I'm struggling. I lost my twin brother to suicide November 1, 2022 and my mental health took even more of a nosedive. My mind would play over and over the images of him lifeless knowing how he had done it and knowing how my mother found him. Horrifying- and what began to scare me shortly after is, if he, the strongest bravest, funniest, loudest and honest man I'd ever known, could succumb to the battle, then what if I do? I've desperately been looking for help- specifically for someone who specializes in treating OCD. I live in a small town, and let's be honest- the wait lists everywhere across the country I'm sure are as insane as they are here.. but, we don't even have anyone who specializes in this. I guess I'm worried to see someone who may not have as much experience/familiarity with ocd and the subclasses of the disorder because what if they can't help me? Nevertheless, the fear of even admitting the thoughts I have to anyone. I haven't even opened up to my husband about all of the intrusive thoughts I have because they seem taboo and because they make me cringe and question my own self at times, where do I turn? Anyway, if you've made it this far, I am so wholeheartedly grateful to be here and hopefully connect with people who can relate/let me maybe bend an ear from time to time for support. God bless you all 🙏❤️