- Date posted
- 2y
- Date posted
- 2y
10 years into my relationship. The doubts started since day one. But didn’t know about Rocd until year 7. I commend you for getting married. That’s currently a trigger for me. We did go on to have two children. When I found out I was pregnant, I took it as a sign we should be together but also told myself, at least if we don’t end up together I will have him in my life forever. Probably not the way to look at it. But it is possible to have children. The move too is a huge accomplishment. One that I think spiraled my anxiety even further. We didn’t end up getting the house he wanted. I felt relief and began having nightmares and such. By my long story short. You’re not alone. This is the hardest, gut retrenching, guilt trip I’ve ever gone through. It feels end of the world worthy some days. Wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. That’s for sure.
- Date posted
- 2y
It really is gut wrenching! I’m so happy to hear you were able to have children through your OCD. It sometimes feels utterly impossible. Moving really is such a anxiety provoking change…no matter how many times I do it. If you and your partner consider marriage in the future, you might find splice in something simple and low key like a courthouse or elopement. We eloped and that took SO MUCH pressure off. Hang in there and thanks for sharing 💜
- Date posted
- 2y
Yup - I realized recently that I have relationship OCD. I’ve been afraid of getting married and having kids for this reason. You’re not alone. Keep pushing forward and facing your fears. Know your fears are the OCD talking. You got this 💪
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@Sunrise22 I’m feeling better today. Just have to work extra hard again because I’ve let how good I’ve been feeling make it seem like eh, I don’t have to do ERP. Mannnn
- Date posted
- 2y
Thank you! You got this too! We can do hard things!
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@Chairo Even when they feel impossibly hard. What goes up must come down.
- Date posted
- 2y
Same feelings here! All I want is to just love my fiancé and move on happily, but I question everything he says or does and if we are compatible or not. It’s terrible!
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@Anonymous Oh my god this is me to. I’m having a really really really bad back door spike this week and it’s scary and frustrating.
- Date posted
- 2y
@Dj-is-trying It sure is! At least we know that others think the same way and have the same troubles!
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@Anonymous I’m terrified right now but I’m also like, I can handle hard things but right now it feels like it did last summer and I’m so scared of getting stuckkkkk in that bad place again.
- Date posted
- 2y
It really is hard. I am there with you. The good days come but when we are in the bad days it’s so hard to remember them.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
@Chairo Couldn’t have said it better myself, you are spot on.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y
i had a pretty horrible day. i’m at the orientation for the college i’m going to be attending thousands of miles from my supports. it was so unbearable today i left programming early and returned to an empty dorm to hide from the anxiety. it’s strange how hearing ur experience makes me feel better even though you are struggling as well. thank you
- Date posted
- 2y
I’m sorry you had a bad day! College orientation is BIG try not to be too hard on yourself.
- Date posted
- 2y
@Chairo, I battle ROCD really bad. I'm in a long distance relationship for 1.5 years now. I am terrified of engagement/marriage. How was your engagement day and the wedding day? You aren't alone! You will be ok ❤️
- Date posted
- 2y
Hi! My engagement day was HIGH anxiety I had a panic attack two days before and was pretty high strung all day. I knew it was coming and I was freaking out and questioning but I felt like I wanted to push forward and that I could and I knew I had those feelings deep down. For the wedding- We eloped and it was soooo serene. It helped not to have to perform in front of a ton of people. We later had a big party and that was really great too.
- Date posted
- 2y
Have you tried medication?
- Date posted
- 2y
I have I was on meds for a few years and recently came off because I was feeling good. But lately with these big life changes I’m thinking about getting back on.
- Date posted
- 2y
Fight for a way out of the OCD anxiety*** not a way out of my relationship.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
Hi everyone, I’m reaching out for support. Right now I feel like OCD is “winning” in my life and I feel suffocated and alone. This is my story and I would love any support, guidance, or advice. Long post, but I appreciate anyone that reads it. I’m a 28 year old Muslim middle eastern woman. My family immigrated to Canada when I was a kid. I’ve never been very religious but I consider myself a believer. I also believe that religion is extremely personal and that my relationship with God is mine only. My faith hasn’t always been strong, it goes up and down. My family, although not super religious, has always valued tradition and my parents have always wanted me to marry someone Muslim and Arab. They are very adamant about that and very against mixing with other cultures and faiths. My father passed sway in my early twenties, and I’ve always struggled with doing things that he wouldn’t approve of and having him be disappointed or ashamed of me. I was very close to my dad - his death was really traumatic and I miss him everyday. I am in a relationship with a kind, caring man who loves me and takes care of me. We were friends first and I tried to not let things progress past friendship because I knew my family would never approve. But eventually we both confessed feelings and that led us to a relationship. He makes me happy and has healed many things in me that were wounded from past relationships. He’s Punjabi Sikh, so our cultures and faiths are different. He is not religious at all. When we first started talking about dating, he said to me that if he had to do an Islamic marriage to be with me that he would do it. If that’s what it took to be with me, he’d do it. That for me was the push I needed to go for it, and let myself get into a relationship with my friend and now lover. He even says that he’s open to our kids learning Islam. He just wants our kids to also learn about where he comes from, of course. I knew that my family wouldn’t approve, but having the Islamic marriage would be extremely important to maybe eventually have them accept my decision. My boyfriend has always been aware of my OCD and is always willing to do whatever it takes to support me. As we’ve navigated dating and being in a relationship we’ve had some challenges with my ROCD, and we’re actively working on it with exposure therapy. We’ve also had general relationship obstacles that we’re learning to work through, like communication and having different love languages. I tend to be anxiously attached and I get panic attacks when I think I’m losing people close to me. So even just the idea of a break up makes me feel sick. In all honesty, being in a relationship has been really hard on my mental health. My therapist says it’s like being in constant exposure- which can be exhausting (I always have the thought “being single is so much easier because there’s way less triggers” but I don’t want to believe that or let it dictate my life). My big struggles right now are guilt from hiding my relationship from my family, and dealing with constant ROCD intrusive thoughts like: “is he the one? You want someone from your own culture, your mom is right, this is never going to work and you’re going to be unhappy and divorced. You don’t want to mix cultures, you’re going to hate it, stop pretending to be open to it… your aunts and uncles are going to disapprove and cut you off, you’re going to be judged by everyone, your kids are going to be so confused about their identity, travelling back home is going to be so weird and not the same, so you should break up with him”. Often, this causes me to “test” the relationship or look for problems and create arguments. It’s a toxic cycle, and I’m so ashamed of it. I also often struggle with thoughts like “you’re lying to yourself, you want someone from your culture, you’re a bad person for leading him on, you’re a liar”…. “You did this to yourself by dating outside your culture”. Ultimately, I feel torn. How am I meant to know if I actually want to be in this relationship or if I want to do what my family approves of (and what would be easier)? How do I manage the thoughts that tell me opposing things? I have frequent panic attacks and when things are bad, they happen daily and are very debilitating. This is where I’m at right now, and this is the part that terrifies me. I don’t want to be stuck like this. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend. That thought terrifies me and I don’t think I can handle that. He means so much to me. I also don’t want to be suffocated by thoughts - if I have them every day first thing in the morning, does that mean I need to listen to them? I’m struggling so much and I feel so hopeless. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anybody, ever. I want to feel at ease, more than anything.
- Date posted
- 16w
TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!
- Date posted
- 5w
Life has been so tough for me lately. I’ve been stuck in an OCD spiral since last December. Most of my fears come from incidentally causing harm to my family or others. I feel like every action is a moral conflict, or that any time I make a bad decision, act out of frustration, or self indulge in anything, I’m debating about whether I’m an awful person who doesn’t care about my kids, my wife, or other people. I’m a stay at home parent currently, and all three of my kids are neurodivergent, with my youngest being on the spectrum. My youngest is nonverbal, so my OCD loves to manipulate that, making it hard to know if my son is happy, sad, upset, etc. Always feeling like I’m worried I’ll make too many mistakes as a parent. That any time I lose my cool, it means I’m just this awful person and parent. I’m burnt out from the stress currently, so I always feel on edge, which makes it harder to have the mental power to resist compulsions. I am in OCD therapy, which has helped. But every time I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction I get sucked back in. Every time I resist compulsions, I’m triggered almost immediately after. Because I’m a stay at home parent, and a lot of my triggers and themes involve harm to others, particularly my family, it’s just trigger after trigger after trigger. My wife is exhausted from my mental health, which just adds to the guilt I already feel. I hate that my mental health is affecting everyone, and it only reinforces the idea that I’m causing harm or suffering to those around me. I just need a break. I cannot keep living my life this way. This is the worst my OCD has been, and I feel so traumatized from all the days and hours I’ve spent feeling like I’m at my limit. Thanks for reading. Feel free to respond if you can relate. Just needed to vent.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond