I am 30 years old and married. I didn’t think I’d be able to get married with the level of OCD I was feeling. I pushed through. Unfortunately it’s not completely gone, and my relationship often gets the brunt of my uncertainty and doubts. Of course I tear myself apart too but I project so much on my partner. I vilify him and turn him into the problem. When I sit down and try to rationalize, there isn’t much there sometimes I just have this overwhelming anxiety that screams at me to get out, to end my relationship. These thoughts don’t make me want to move forward- they make me want to disappear. I’m fighting for a way out and a way forward. I’ve recently been thinking about how these anxieties are spiking with getting older and the passage of time. I recently had some deaths in my family and a cross country move and total uprooting. I wonder if I can do hard things. I want to be a mother but when I feel the way I feel I just can’t see a way forward. I try and focus on the moment and remember all of the love and wonderful things I have with my partner but the OCD tells me it’s all about to be upended. This is such a long post. Are there any people out there who feel similar and can relate? I once had a user comment on my post- she was older than me she had been married and had kids and also didn’t believe she could but she did. Just knowing we are all experiencing similar things does help. Love to anyone who read all this.

Anyone else over 30 and dealing with thoughts that feel debilitating? I know I’m not alone, but I’m curious who else is with me.

TW: SO-OCD. I have been a part of the NOCD community for around 4 years now. I am seeing more and more posts, but I am very rarely seeing people actually commenting, reposting and engaging back. I think I have always had obsessive thoughts, but never knew it was a thing until around 5 years ago. I believe my first theme was Harm OCD, when my little brother was first born in 2007. I used to scream at night as I was so worried he was going to be kidnapped, or he may d*e. I would avoid sleeping at friends house's, my dad's (as my parents had split) as I thought if I wasn't there to protect him then something bad would happen. My mum said she would wake up and I would be asleep net to his cot in the morning (I was only 10 at the time). Fast forward to 2017, where me and my high school boyfriend split up, I convinced myself I may be gay as I no longer wanted to have sex with him (almost found it a chore). I was 16/17. We split up and I lived my 'single' life. Spent my time dating males etc and then myself and my ex got back together in 2018. My intrusive thoughts took a turn for the worst in lockdown, when again may libido decreased significantly, and I didn't feel and ;urge' with my boyfriend sStill current partner). I remember one day, bursting into tears, had a panic attack and cried for hours with the most excruciating anxiety chest pains. I told him and my mum about my thoughts. They are both incredibly supportive and my mu actually told me that she had these thoughts too when she was round 19 and still does now (I also didn't know that COD can be inherited). After about 18 months of the worst mental health, significant weight loss, social thoughts and almost ending my relationship, I started to see light at the end of the tunnel. 2022, things started to get better. My partner and I were in the best place we could have EVER been! Sex life was AMAZING (quality of quantity I mean) and I honestly thought, this was the end. March 2024 I fell pregnant. Again, I had a great pregnancy, sec life was great, was so excited for our future. I have never been one to be bothered about marriage, but kept having this lovely vision of us getting married and our little girl walking down the aisle. Baby girls born in November 2024 and BAM, SO-OCD and ROCD have kicked in. I am now questioning my sexuality again, if I am in the right relationship, am I just 'settling'?, does he deserve me?, am I in denial?, what if we get married and then it turns out I am gay?, I don't want him to propose as I am scared etc. Just relentless every single day. I even question, if any of the conversations I have had with family and friends where they have related to me, were even real or if I made them up for my own comfort, so that I do't feel alone?! I am constantly reviewing past events, as I worry that I wanted to explore my sexuality in university, as I remember having an amazing friendship with a lesbian (who was, I am not afraid to admit, very 'handsome'), and we did flirt, as she did with everyone!! But we never took it any further, it never crossed my mind! I almost don't even get the 'anxiety/'sick' feeling anymore because I am SO used to the thoughts. I don't have an urge to act on my thoughts, but they are also no longer debilitating for me. I just feel exhausted with them. They are ALWAYS there. I have gone down the rabbit hole of avoiding meeting new women friends incase 'I find them attractive', if there is a same sex couple on a program I watch, I automatically avoid. I compare my relationship to others. I saw an insta reel yesterday of a women in her 30's that said 'when you're lay in bed with your husband, searching 'Am I Gay' questionnaires and you decide to divorce and follow your heart' and it was a page dedicated to her helping other mid life adults cope with coming out as gay! It really really really triggered me. I am just exhausted. If anybody else wants to share there story, comment below. It doesn't have to be the same sub types, but just an opportunity to vent!

Life has been so tough for me lately. I’ve been stuck in an OCD spiral since last December. Most of my fears come from incidentally causing harm to my family or others. I feel like every action is a moral conflict, or that any time I make a bad decision, act out of frustration, or self indulge in anything, I’m debating about whether I’m an awful person who doesn’t care about my kids, my wife, or other people. I’m a stay at home parent currently, and all three of my kids are neurodivergent, with my youngest being on the spectrum. My youngest is nonverbal, so my OCD loves to manipulate that, making it hard to know if my son is happy, sad, upset, etc. Always feeling like I’m worried I’ll make too many mistakes as a parent. That any time I lose my cool, it means I’m just this awful person and parent. I’m burnt out from the stress currently, so I always feel on edge, which makes it harder to have the mental power to resist compulsions. I am in OCD therapy, which has helped. But every time I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction I get sucked back in. Every time I resist compulsions, I’m triggered almost immediately after. Because I’m a stay at home parent, and a lot of my triggers and themes involve harm to others, particularly my family, it’s just trigger after trigger after trigger. My wife is exhausted from my mental health, which just adds to the guilt I already feel. I hate that my mental health is affecting everyone, and it only reinforces the idea that I’m causing harm or suffering to those around me. I just need a break. I cannot keep living my life this way. This is the worst my OCD has been, and I feel so traumatized from all the days and hours I’ve spent feeling like I’m at my limit. Thanks for reading. Feel free to respond if you can relate. Just needed to vent.