- Date posted
- 2y
Round 2. Pun intended.
Okay, brain. I need you to consider all the evidence before you jump to "house is contaminated now!!11!1" Here's the boeuf du jour: Went to the bathroom, a BM. When I know that's going to happen and I can do it, I remove clothes except undies, and redress after washing hands... then wash again. I've heard a few non-anxious people do this too. Quite sure I did it this time as well (doubt is about pants here). Cleaning up, got some... stuff on my thumb. It happens, and will again, it's out of one's control sometimes. I do recall cleaning it off with TP (worried at the time I'd somehow smeared it on my chest/belly) and then a baby wipe, because I remember thinking "ok you wiped off your dirty thumb with this then wiped your cheek, good job. Dp it again." Or something to that effect. So I finish up, wash my hands, redress after checking if there was any "stuff" on my belly/chest/thighs. And I do remember this because I spotted an odd reddish mark on my knee. I go back downstairs to resume my snooze on my couch and I remember remarking that I felt good! Then brain goes, "what if you smeared "stuff" on your waistband?" I try to reason with it, saying what I've said above, but by this time anxiety has kicked in and so has doubt. It's still there a bit now. So then it escalates to "couch/blanket/plushie are contaminated and so are you, if you sit on the couch and put away dishes/laundry/cook your "stuff" will be on everything and it'll get on your mother too." I kept laying there, trying to get back to sleep. My shirt was longer and covered up my waistband, but I attempted to classify that as "irrelevant". Got up for the washroom again, checked my (white!) undies... nothing. Ran my fingers around the waistband of my PJ pants... nothing that I could detect. Examined the gray couch with a flashlight... nothing. (Doubt is here again... piss off would ya?) I mean I realize that on all levels, fecal bacteria/matter is everywhere. On everything. It's just... the guilt of "being dirty"/"ignoring" a problem is my issue. Even though there's likely nothing wrong. Had a shower (for other reasons) and brain did the "did we leak pee?" thing again, but I'm telling myself firmly that this is now just a Thing brain is going to do (and has after every shower since the first time I thought this and I know I should look forward to it happening again... pesky jerk) so I am moving on. Wearing shorts and a T shirt so I'm not "covering up the pee/ germs" because they're probably not there. I will never truly know and I have to be OK with that. I hate that this anxiety junk has made such a mundane, banal part of life feel like a crime, like something to dread because it turns into a "fiasco" each time. Nobody else worries about this. I guess I have to resist the urge to lysol stuff (again!) and try not to envision my mother getting horribly ill because of me. Thanks for reading my little vent, and I hope, if you're experiencing similar, that you break out of it soon.