Scared (Real Event, False Memory, POCD)

So I am not sure if I’m officially diagnosed yet (therapist suspects I have OCD and has recently started ERP with me. I believe I have had multiple themes throughout the years, but when I started ERP my theme was entirely focused on a few real events that happened in my relationship. I spent over a year ruminating over these thoughts and memories daily, googling every possible wording of my thoughts and experiences, never being present ever because my mind was always on THIS THING. I didn’t think it could get worse, but it did. In the past few weeks, my theme has completely changed. I have been struggling with a hellish mix of of Real Event, possible “False Memory”, and POCD. I am fixating on events that have happened from my teen years to only a few months ago (I am 23 now). I really need to get this off of my chest (even if I maybe shouldn’t) and get some advice over whether talking about this with my therapist will get me put in jail or a mental hospital. *TW* These events include memories that I’m not entirely sure happened (masturbating to thoughts of an incredibly upsetting true crime case when I was a teen, masturbating to a horrifically disturbing shock movie a few years ago), as well as memories that I know happened where my intentions were not sexual but my actions were wrong nonetheless (looking into a horrific true crime case involving a child and going into google images (I didn’t see anything bad thank god), and looking at pictures online of an actress that are unfortunately easily available where she was posing nude for a magazine as a CHILD after reading about it on reddit). All of these things are ruining my life. I know I have no attraction to children whatsoever, but these events are telling me that I’m a monster. I am terrified to go into details about these things with my therapist because I’m afraid she will report me. I don’t think anything I did was illegal (unfortunately, those pictures of that actress are apparently legal and you can even purchase them on Amazon for some sick reason). But I’m not entirely sure. All of this has me really struggling with my will to live. I hate my morbid curiosity and the disgusting things it had led me to see. I don’t know why I haven’t thought about these things until now. But now that I have, I feel like my world, my character is forever changed. I’m terrified I will get in trouble for even posting this. Thanks for reading my rant.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

Hi. I'm really sorry to hear about these things giving you a lot of distress and worry. I have worries that are very close to yours. I also have problems with POCD. I just want you to know that you aren't alone, I don't think this makes you an awful person, and I don't think a therapist can report clients unless they are willing to harm someone or themselves. That's what I've been told. This can be really hard to deal with but that's why it's good that you are in this community for help! Please go to a therapist. Your goal is to get the help you need to make it through life without OCD. I know this sucks and these thoughts can make it seem like you shouldn't get help but you deserve it and you should!

garba

Date posted: 2y

@BigGip09 Thank you so much, you have no idea what your words mean to me! You have made me feel less alone. I’ve hardly ever spoken about these things to anyone else, let alone anyone who struggles with the same thing. My next therapy appointment is in a few days, and I think I will try to work up the courage to share more of these thoughts with her. Thank you again for your empathy and kindness :)

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2y

@Tfoloz You're welcome! Again, I'm sorry you're going through this but it takes a great amount of strength to go what we're going through. There is a happy ending on the other side when you do get therapy. Your therapist will give you compassion and guidance as you try to get through this. That's what they're here for! Focusing on the past isn't good for us. All we have is now! And be kind to yourself. It's very important that we do so when we don't have access to getting help just yet.

Worry24

Date posted: 2y

OCD will always make you feel like your world has changed when it makes you remember a memory from the past. It twists memories to their very core and terrifies you with them. It’s a sick disease of the mind. You should speak to your therapist, a trained OCD therapist will not see any of this as you being a harm to children. Your therapist may help you “un-distort” these cognitive distortions. As for the memories you find upsetting now, we change a lot from when we were teenagers to adults. Everything changes, our world views and views on morality and ethics change with us. Good people reflect on the past, but OCD sufferers become prisoners of the past. Everything becomes evidence of everything that you fear. Its a terrifying experience. You deserve to be helped.

garba

Date posted: 2y

@Worry24 Thank you very much for this. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and I’m quite scared for what will happen when I tell her these things. Do you perhaps have any tips on how to bring these things up? Should I ask her first if she would hypothetically report someone for these things, or should I just go right in and explain? Sorry for all of the questions, I’m just really new to this theme and I’m struggling with the fear of opening up. I’ve read people with POCD are always disgusted by these thoughts, but in those 2 “false” memories (hate calling them that because if they are real I want to take accountability), I may have masturbated to those things with little disgust. I haven’t felt peace in weeks. I feel like an actual monster, not someone with OCD.

Worry24

Date posted: 2y

@Tfoloz @Tfoloz Firstly, does your therapist have knowledge of your theme and are they specialised in treating POCD? I imagine they are if they are treating you with ERP for it. You could honestly read out this post as it already is to your therapist, if that’s hard then you could let your therapist read it for themselves, or you could write out everything you want to say and feel comfortable saying and read that out instead. It will take the burden off your shoulders in talking about it. Honestly, just remember that you deserve to be free of OCD and it’s a trap that OCD doesn’t let us talk about these worries and fears with others. You’d be so surprised how insignificant these things are outside of the OCD mind. As for everything you’ve mentioned, your OCD therapist will help you accept and move on from these things without reassuring you and keeping you stuck in the cycle. I understand your OCD makes your fearful of the what ifs? But you have to be strong in the face of it and get the help you deserve. Please come back and tell me how your meeting with your therapist went. Best wishes.

garba

Date posted: 2y

@Worry24 Wow thank you so much, I will. She doesn’t know specifically of the POCD theme yet, but we have been doing ERP for suspected Real Event/False Memory OCD. She recently started specializing in OCD so I’m not sure how knowledgeable she is about POCD so that can be a little scary, but she is very understanding and I trust her (even though my brain has been preparing for the worst for days). Thank you so much for responding to me. This is the first post I’ve made in a community like this and it’s so nice to talk to such kind, understanding people like yourself :)

Lulu~

Date posted: 17w

False memories + real events (TW: POCD)

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

POCD

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

Distressed 18+

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

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Scared (Real Event, False Memory, POCD)

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