- Date posted
- 2y
Is there hope for me?
I've experienced what I believe is hocd from early ages but started having symptoms like false attraction,, groinals etc until I hit the age of 16. Same. Story as always but I bit different,, I've been interested in women sexually and romantically since a very young age like 6 years maybe I already had crushes on my teachers at school at girls, etc. At 9 I was already aroused sexually by the feminine body and not once by men no crushes on them neither I had curiosity to see them naked. When I turned 15 I had access to the Internet and started interacting with porn, one day I watched a video where the actress looked like my mother and became afraid of it started to have intrusive sexual thoughts about my mother which led me to a state of deep depression and anxiety. One day I prayed to god asking to get my attraction to women away so that I could stop feeling so depressed about those intrusive sexual thoughts about my mother, some days after my attraction diminished to the point of being almost non existant. Kids at school used to call me gay way much I didn't know why if I was a kid I didn't look feminine but it seems they just did it because they wanted to hurt me, from then I was always obsessed about thinking if I was gay I used to ruminate about it not that much like now but it was there,, also back then I had contamination ocd I had to wash my hands until they bled couldn't touch stuff because I was afraid I could get germs, then I had health ocd I thought I had cancer and after that I was playing with a needle I found on the floor and I cut myself my accident with it and became obsessed with hiv and this was on and off for many years. So once I lost my attraction and while I was also obsessed with being gay because people used to call me that way I started to experience groinals around men and what I believe could be false attraction I even felt like I had crushes on men. Struggled some years like this until one day I realized somehow that this couldn't be me because it didn't feel genuine,, those attractions,, arousals and crushes somehow I was able to discern and realize it wasn't real " there was no information about hocd back then so had to get out of it by myself" when I became certain about my orientation my attraction came back somewhat not entirely but I still used to do compulsions even through this theme didn't keep me in an anxious and depressed state by this I mean that I could live a normal life until my 35 birthday. I believe I developed rocd I had a beautiful relationship with a woman which I love so much but she used to be agressive and we had discussions all the time, she was possessive and I then started to consider breaking up we did a few times and then got back. So one day I started talking to an ex gf we didn't flirt I didn't cheat on I gf but I used to wonder how would it be to return with my ex, back then we broke up because we couldn't be together not because we didn't quite get along and we ended in good terms so I had so much stress with my current relation that I used to fantasize imagining being with someone who could actually give me some peace. At the same time I didn't leave my gf because I was sure I loved her but then my head started to make me feel guilty because I didn't tell her I was talking to my ex and also those thoughts made me feel ole I was a cheater. From then all this guilt made me feel like the worst man on earth and lost what was left of my attraction to women and I started to have groinals,attractions and stuff for men but stronger, they still feel artificial but now it seems like it's the only thing I can feel and I feel so alone and like my case is so much different from everyone else. I also believe that if naturally I was attracted to women since my childhood but lost it from trauma I could somehow get it back but also I'm almost convinced there's no one out there that can make this happen. I also have had confession ocd and if I don't confess everything I feel guilty.