relatable?

Do you perhaps experience things like being so frustrated and numb because of how much your ocd drains you ? Then you are naturally caught up in a compulsion where you’re “physically testing” yourself to lets say something you watched years ago that is usually against your orientation?? If you know what I mean ? Even though you know you are (your own sexuality) and are in a very loving relationship and you really love your partner but does anyone experience this ?? And then they’re faced with more thoughts about how they’ve betrayed their partner and how their partner will leave and if you also struggle with scrupulosity ocd you feel like you’ve committed a huge sin and betrayed your faith ? Again I get all of this goes against values and that the human body may still react to things we naturally may be against but anyone still falls for the testing and then has this awful reaction afterwards? And does that really mean I betrayed my partner ?? Thank you so much for your time and I would really love your insights as this is something that popped up with me out of the blue …

Ive been with my partner for 2 years. I haven’t had sex with my partner in a pretty long time. I feel like it’s been so long now that the idea of having sex is really causing me anxiety. I also don’t want to kiss or makeout as much. When he brings up sex or making out more or anything intimate it gives me anxiety. I feel like I truly don’t want to do those things, and that scares me. When we started dating I don’t think that this gave me anxiety, I think I was excited about it. But now it’s something that I find I’m almost avoiding. I want to be excited to kiss him and be with him but I’m just not, and I’m worried that that means the relationship is over. I know that the honeymoon phase isn’t forever but is this really what a relationship is supposed to feel like? This has gone on for so long now that I’m almost scared enough to admit to him how I feel rocd wise. I wanted to add that I’ve been on antidepressants nearly my entire life and i definitely have low libido anyway, so not being intimate doesn’t really bother me. Sometimes I can’t figure out if that’s the case or if it’s just because I don’t find my partner attractive anymore. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to force myself to be intimate but I think he’ll catch on that something’s wrong if I keep telling him no. If anyone has any advice, or relates at all, id really appreciate it, thank you.

So my bf and I did the do tonight (it’s been a while I couldn’t keep my hands off him) but for some reason when we went to actually have sex I was not super wet like I used to be/it hurt when there was penetration. But I wanted it so bad. Like I know I do. I think maybe I’m in my head worrying it’ll hurt so it ends up hurting lol. Idk how to let my body relax it’s been kinda wonky since OCD started and also I’m on birth control (nexplanon, since last October, idk if that changes much tbh.) How do I let myself relax?? We use lube usually but didn’t today cuz it was a quickie Also how do I know if I’m actually enjoying sex with my partner and not just tolerating it? I feel like I’m thinking that instead of actually being there having sex with him. It’s kinda the crux of my ROCD and soocd “if you don’t enjoy it/don’t feel butterflies, you’re gay and don’t love him” sums it up. But it feels great, I feel good. I feel loved and save and turned on when I’m with him and afterwards (when he’s not rushing to leave like today lol) we stay and cuddle and I just feel.. good. Not cuz I did smthn for him but cuz it felt good for me cuz I am with someone who genuinely loves me and cares if I enjoy things yknow? I do love doing things for him but he also makes sure I get my fun too lol. I want to touch him. I want to initiate. Very clearly. Not gay. I’m worried my lack of butterflies during sex means smthn idk why. Help🥲✌️