- Username
- Chloejade97
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I actually also watched porn at a very young age. I was 9yrs old. I would actually watch it very often it felt normal to just watch it. I wasn’t disgusted by it. But if I’m being honest. I would also enjoy lesbian porn. But I never considered myself as lesbian or was attracted to girls. As soon as my hocd kicked in I stayed away from all porn. It made me anxious to watch it. Even though at some point watching it was a compulsion. You aren’t alone. I’m happy to hear you stopped watching it in a form for it to calm you down.
Hey omg it always feels so heartwarming to see other people like me. Yes ive been there. I dont know how it happened but i had the addiction to. I feel so sorry for the little me i wish with my whole heart i never stumbled upon it because it ruined em so much. God did it damage me. Your so lucky for finding you again. Ive been dealing sith HOCDfor a year now and damn it is a journey. I totally lost my attraction to men which makes this the worst because how do i know i like guys when i dont feel it. I miss liking boys soooo much. The warm feeling, the imagines, the butterflies. Sadly due to all the anxiety my attraction is nowhere to he found and it doestn wanna come back for some reason. It started when i was 16 and thought that bc i was thrned on by lesbian porn thst i was gay. Little did i know thst doesnt mean your gay all. I always wanted a husband, my biggest dream was a boyfriend but still i thiight i was gay. Then alter on a support group i found people like me who also went trough the same thing but they infromed me that its normal to be turned on by woman and it doesnt mean ur gay. I miss old me soooo much. I wish i could attach to myself again too. I became depressed due to this.
Yo have exctly reproduce my own story, I swear it is very very similar with the porn, the problems with my appearance... I just want to remember you are not alone here, Im a Spanish boy, a person from another part of the world suffering the exactly same thing, thank you for posting your story, Good luck you are so brave!??
Just stay calm breathe. Contact a therapist, I’m actually getting through it without one. All you need to do is remember it’s your disorder acting up. Not you, and just live in the moment. Talk to your friends or anyone who is there.
I agree with some of these points!!!! I also watched strnsge stuff like that as a child. Not porn per say but sexual scenes in movies, even lesbian stuff. Don’t know why. Now as an young adult I don’t even watch it, and growing up, as I started to get sexually active I was very scared of it for some reason
I have had a porn addiction but to straight porn (man and woman) and I have been suffering with HOCD and I have been checking gay porn to see if I get a reaction but it does nothing for me, yet I still keep questioning whether I’m straight, bi or gay. I suffer all the usual HOCD symptoms as well so you are not alone chin up and try to do some meditation techniques and mindfulness ?? you have my support ??
this is going to be very very TMI. but i feel like i need to let it out bc it is one of the biggest triggers of my Homosexual OCD. i’ve liked boys my whole life , even though i was very shy with it i always did. whether it be on tv, movies, my older brother’s friends, my guy friends, guys in school, etc. u get the point. always loved guys always will even though OCD likes to tell me otherwise. however, when i was little say age 7, one of my older friends by a year she was 8, introduced me to porn. yeah i know i was really really young. i had a clue on what “sex” was (not really but i knew it was something adults did and had something to do with kissing). so when she showed me we would masturbate to it together and that was that. i would do this every so often alone on my computer from age 7. insanely young to even know about that i know. and then when me and her would practice kissing together. and we would dry hump each other. but the thing is we would take turns pretending to be “the boy”. like i would “be the boy” so she could practice and then she would “be the boy” so then i could. i know it’s normal for young girls even guys to engage in same sex experimentation because of curiousity. but i feel like my HOCD always picks at this telling me i’m gay. she and i are still such close friends and i never thought about our younger years until i got HOCD. i don’t have any attraction towards her and never did when i was younger. i always would pretend she was a boy. sometimes she’d even ask me and i would just get so uncomfortable kissing her it was all weird to me and not right. at a young age i knew that. i still have never been sexually attracted to a woman or had a desire to be with one . idk why i’m writing this. to let it out i guess. if u made it this far thanks
Just thought I’d share my story so far with you all and maybe see if anyone’s had similar stuff :) I had been completely straight my whole life. I’m 18 now but had had multiple girlfriends who I was very much into. I was never into guys. I was very stressed for my exams and ended up going to see Bohemian Rhapsody with some friends to chill. After seeing heaps of gay-Esque things in the film the thought popped into my head “what if I’m gay or bi” and then that’s when it started. (This was 3 months ago) I then found myself unable to hang out with my guy friends because every time I saw them I would get anxious I was attracted to them. I moved past this but I’m still constantly having an internal reasoning battle with myself about wether or not I’m into men. I then noticed a huge lack in sex drive towards women as well which scared me because being into women was a huge part of me. I have never been aroused by or enjoyed thinking about men sexually or romantically though this is what the intrusive thoughts were. This leads me to my main point which is porn. I was a heavy porn user before the ocd and I was starting to find Normal straight porn not as good. I had been watching more kinky shit eg step sibling stuff etc. I have watched gay porn multiple times since the HOCD. **potential trigger/ graphic warning ahead** and had finished both times. It happened very quickly and I just felt terrible after. I tell myself that I finished because of just the pure taboo nature of it and it was what the ocd wanted me to do since whenever I’d tried to arouse myself to men in a non pornographic way nothing had ever worked. Also when I was watching I wasn’t particularly focused on like the men themselves like I would with women when I watched straight porn. It was all very traumatising and I have to keep stopping myself from checking again to see if my reaction changes :( I’ve been meditating a lot and I’m about to start ERP on here and with my psychologist (who diagnosed me with ocd) But yeah just was wondering if anyone had anything similar with the porn thing just so I can figure out if it’s denial or whatever :) I don’t think it’s a coincidence with timing either since this all happened during exams.
I was doing so well with my ocd. It went away for two months and I finally felt so on top of it. I felt like recovery was right there. Now it’s back worse than ever and I just feel numb and so upset. The thoughts about being gay are back and they are so intense. I’m staring at every woman I see and her body parts and that makes me feel worse but I can’t stop it. Porn comes up on my twitter and I’m disgusted by it but I feel this need to watch it. It’s like I have too but I really don’t want too. I found lesbian porn when I was 10 years old online and I developed an addiction to it. That right there started my hocd, and I felt like I was gay. I spent all my teenage years watching the porn, and doing you know what, I also spent all those years staring at other girls wanting to look like them so badly. I think maybe that’s why I started watching lesbian porn, in my own way I just wanted to feel like a real woman and be loved by someone. Now I know i was only 10 years old but i was bullied and I never truly felt like I was accepted by kids. They laughed at my appearance and made me so sick. I stopped the lesbian porn when I turned 20. I’m now 22 and I haven’t watched it! I get urges and they make me cry and have panic attacks because I don’t want this. I’m terrified of being gay. And don’t get me wrong I’m not homophobic in the slightest. My sister is bisexual, I have also supported everyone in the lgbt and campaigned as an ally in support for them. But I don’t want to be gay. I know in my heart I am straight. And I think what makes all of this worse is I have body dysmorphia so I feel ugly and disgusting which again ties into why I think I used to watch the porn. Because I wanted to be like those girls who where effortlessly pretty. So as I said I have body dysmorphia and I’m chronically ill. So all these factors make me think that I’m never going to find a boyfriend because I feel ugly and like I’m a burden. I really needed to get all of this out because I feel so disgusting at times with my mind. My mind makes me think that I want to have a pee fetish, and watch porn, and do things to women and I don’t want that? Is there anyone else with hocd goes through this? I also have words pop into my head, like “p*ssy and other words and they are so out of the blue. I just want to feel like me again. I want to feel beautiful and in control again. I just need some help. How do I beat this? I just wanna be me.
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