- Date posted
- 2y
brain dump of weird things i do
hi uhhh i just got this app because as a teen for awhile now ive been thinking i have some form of OCD and i also found the website after searching up “how to stop picking your skin” lol. anddd i guess this is just a safe space where you can just dump some stuff so i have no idea how this started, but it mustve started in 5th grade and just got worse later on in the next few years. It started from jumping onto specific patterns on the carpet to really strict “rituals” that i must follow or else something bad will happen. during quarantine which was like in 6th grade, i developed this weird thing i do where i have to say “done” 3 or 5 times in my head whenever an intrusive thought or just something i dont like thinking about comes up. then it kinda slowly grew to be a habit everyday. then it just didnt feel like enough, so then i had to start saying done 5 times vocally, i couldnt do it inside my head or else it wouldnt be enough, its really strange and funny when saying this but it does get embarrassing when youre doing it in public. common phrase is “done x5 nothing bad ever happens to you or anyone ok ok its ok ok” and ive been saying that for a year now. sometimes people would hear me and i would have to try my best to excuse it theres also this thing thats also embarrassing to do in public like, sometimes one foot would feel right and i have to stomp the floor to get rid of that feeling, but then i feel like i stomped too hard so i have to cancel it out by stomping with the other foot instead IDK maybe its like a sensory issue? sometimes i even have to do a little hop so it can even eachother out lol. theres also this one phrase i have to say before i use the bathroom but i wont say what it is oh god i also have this weird fear of certain numbers, 2 is a big number i hate for some reason. like a lot of things associated with 2 i dunno why. just an unlucky number. it becomes a problem for a lot of things. i cant come up with an example on the spot but a common one is that sometimes ill mess up 2 times, so ill have to mess something up a 3rd time or else something bad will happen. i also hate the number 4 sometimes because 4 divided by 2 is 2 (2 even appeared 2 times in that sentence, thats a lot of 2). 6 is a nice number i guess but its still divisible by 2 a really bad one though thats been affecting me lately is the feeling that some sort of upper higher being is watching me and making things happening to me or something. im not religious, but for the last year and this year everytime im happy something bad happens right after, and when im sad either something good happens or nothing happens at all. maybe it really is just some giant coincidence but everytime i get excited, happy, hopeful and like any of the positive emotions, something ruins it. usually when i get excited or happy later on something makes me cry, have a panic attack, or just make me feel bad in general. its like i cant even be happy for a few days. another one is certain clothing. i have always wanted to wear dresses and skirts and just embrace being feminine in general, but the times where i did wear a skirt or dress or just rlly nice clothing in general, it always had something bad happen. Wore a nice skirt for the 2nd to last day of school? i got covid on that day and missed the last day of school, never got to say goodbye to my friends, cried for 3 hours straight and it took awhile to get over it. Wore a nice outfit for that family christmas party? I knew nobody there and i had to sit in the livingroom where nobody was there so i could have a panic attack in peace (my brother also went to his friends house and left me alone with my dying phone ty brother, i mean i got to pet the dogs after i calmed down so thats nice). And the time where i wore a skirt for the last day of school because “oh its just a coincidence nothing bad actually happens when i wear a skirt” i spent majority of the day alone and my phone got broken beforehand so all i could do was wait in line for food and shaved ice, eat, watch the other people have fun, and miserably attempt to fix my phone or play on the chromebook. this was also the time where i lost pretty much all my irl friends. (this was an outside party btw) ok yea maybe i wont ever wear dresses or skirts ever again. dont think this is a serious thing but im still salty about it lol im not actually diagnosed, i just feel like after researching symptoms of ocd this is what i resonate with most, if it isnt ocd then it just has to be something atleast, i couldnt fit in at all with other people so i know damn well i have something and im pretty mad i dont know what it is in summary hi i am random kid struggling with weird things that i could never mention to other people