I am exhausted.

I don’t even know where to start. I am such a mess and I am such a loser. It’s not even funny. I love my fiancé. Why must I convince myself though? The compulsions and fear of seeing, hearing and knowing my ex haunts me. If you don’t know who I am, or my story, to sum it up… I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I was abused and discarded. Many things happened in between, and here I am. I entered a relationship with my fiancé, and we are long distance. It was risky seeming that I moved on from that relationship but I took that risk and have never been happier. Throughout my relationship I got small compulsions at first like “Long distance doesn’t work and you might as well go back to the abuse because that’s all you are used to.” I brushed them off, but they always kept coming back (ruminating) and I began to obsess on what these thoughts mean and questioning my morale. My fiancé proposed (kind of…long story lol) and we plan to wed in 2026. The thoughts get worse with time. Most of all, the thoughts I get relive my abuse. They taunt me and make it seem like I like it. I know I obviously have trauma. But, God…if this isn’t anxiety inducing and pain setting then I don’t know what is.I don’t want him romantically at all. The thoughts even try to deny that. I know it’s not true and I get anxiety. So much anxiety and PTSD from the past and I can’t seem to no matter what I do; let. it. go. I have done ERP and mediation and everything in the book you can think of. They don’t go away. I can’t do medicine. I was suicidal in the past for other topics relating to my mental health and I only really take advil for headaches because I have a compulsion that if I take more medicine I will overdose and die. Most of all, I see what I can potentially be doing to my fiancé. I’m even contemplating calling the wedding off and telling him we’re done. Here are my messages for reference. I am scared and helpless. Please.

https://res.cloudinary.com/nocdcloud/image/upload/v1689314401/image_post_vwgmxf.jpg

https://res.cloudinary.com/nocdcloud/image/upload/v1689314401/image_post_vw8wvn.jpg

junii

Date posted: 2y

This is all because of that abuse dear. Your self love is hurted, you were hurted deeply by Ex. Start loving your self,take care of your health and daily routine. More you love your self more you will love your fiance. Lastly i will say in this world there are some people who hurt and abuse others so much that the victim can't recover it for long time. I was also rejected and mentally tortured by my ex fiance. But with advice of my family i got new relationship as soon as possible what made me comfortable now and i am near to forget my ex. Dear you deserve a good life with your new partner. Keep believing him and yourself.

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@junii Thank you so much.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

Alright. I'm jealous of your relationship with him, to be honest. (I'm single, btw, so I can say that without offending anyone near to me.) From your texts, it seems like he really cares about you. It may be a good idea to tell him what you said here in your post. See if he has any thoughts about what you said. That being said, I can relate to the phrase "I feel like I would drag down my spouse." Not for the same reasons, and you have gone through worse things than I have for sure, but I can relate to that phrase

Isabella G.

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous lol, he does care. that what pains me the most. some days i don’t even wanna be with him due to the thoughts.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@Isabella G. I'm sorry. That does sound like it would be hard on you. My top recommendation is to try to take care of your obsessive thoughts

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