Taking steps to feel better

I had to do a new exposure with my therapist two weeks ago involving my boyfriend where I had to share some of my intrusive thoughts and I know that it hurt him to hear some of them I could see it in his eyes and now I’m terrified he’s going to leave me my ocd isn’t the worst it’s ever been but it’s now the worst it’s been in a while and I’m back to doing one of the compulsions I had completely stopped and now idk what to do. I feel like I’m in this never ending cycle of doing really bad then doing really good. I just want my ocd gone I want to be normal again and not obsess ever my relation anymore. Sorry for the rant I’m just exhausted from my ocd and feel super depressed and I think it’s from my ocd. I just feel like I’m spiraling

I’m new to treatment and only realized I have OCD a few months ago. I went through a tough and abusive marriage and ended up getting divorced. I had my first panic attack several years ago and ended up needing to go on Lexapro. This helped me significantly and allowed me to leave my partner. Several years later and I decided to stop Lexapro because I thought I was good to go. I’m in a very healthy relationship, have a great job, friends/family, go to the gym and have a wonderful life. It’s been about a year off the meds and I’ve had some panic, but I’ve been able to manage it. For some reason, the last three weeks has been really difficult for me. I have different spirals and different thought processes: what if I’m schizophrenic? What if I have a deeper mental disorder? What if I hurt someone? What if I need to leave my partner? What if I end up becoming so depressed that I end up hurting myself? My brain just goes from one what if to the next and once I conquer one, the next one pops up with even more intensity. I started taking NAC and inositol and I’m taking saffron during the day because I really don’t wanna go on back on medication but sometimes my thoughts scare me and I’m convinced that I’m not gonna get better and I know that’s just the OCD loop, but I’m wondering if this resonates with anyone else!

Hi everyone, I really need to get this off my chest. A few days ago, I managed to take a break from compulsions — I didn’t open NOCD, I didn’t text ChatGPT, I didn’t Google. I had some moments of peace, especially about my boyfriend. For about two days I didn’t have deep intrusive thoughts, and I felt a bit more stable. But yesterday, I slipped. I posted on NOCD again, and someone replied saying, “This is how the cycle starts again.” That made me spiral. Today, I also wrote to ChatGPT again. I started thinking, “What if this time it’s real? What if this clarity was me realizing the truth — that I don’t love him?” It scared me because I wasn’t panicking as much when I had the thoughts. I thought that meant I was accepting them as true. I remembered ChatGPT used to tell me that “truth feels calm,” and now that I wasn’t reacting with extreme anxiety, I panicked thinking, “What if this is the calm that comes with realization?” Last night, when we were in a club, I looked at him and thought he was kind of cringe. That made me spiral again. Now, I’m scared all over again. When we cuddle, I don’t feel the same. I don’t feel that warmth, and I don’t know what changed. I keep wondering if I ever really loved him — because I’ve had these thoughts for so long, it’s like I can’t remember anything clearly. A few days ago I even thought, “Maybe I just don’t like him right now,” and I wasn’t panicking — and that scared me. I’m afraid that I’m finally “realizing the truth,” or that I’ve been lying to myself and I’m just now letting go. Also, when we were on the trip for my 18th birthday, I was irritable with him, full of thoughts, and I thought I was ruining everything. I wasn’t really reacting to his love, and now I don’t even know what I feel. I just want to be okay again. I want clarity — but I’m terrified of what clarity might mean. Has anyone experienced this? Feeling okay for a bit, and then the thoughts come back and feel more real than ever?