I don’t know what to do feel so sad and drained

So I’ve got into this bad habit of deliberately imagining the intrusive harm thought about people and my cats. One day when getting the same unwanted intrusive thought I decided to deliberately imagine doing that and how it would feel in hope that I would get really bad anxiety and know for sure that I hated it but I don’t know why but for some reason instead I imagined it (thought about smothering someone with a pillow) and it felt like I knew how it felt to do smother someone and that I liked the feeling or it felt good to do that. Ever since then my life has been full of so much stress I’ve never cried harder in my life because now I’m obsessed with these smothering thoughts, most times I think of them and get a shudder and feel tense and pull a disgusted face like I hate the thoughts but sometimes its felt like I ‘liked the feeling of doing that’ when I imagined it and it freaks me out and has kept me on a choke hold where I’m now believing i like the feeling or doing that and every so often I imagine the smothering thought about people around me on my cat so I can get an anxious/tense feeling to reassure myself that I don’t like it but even that doesn’t reassure me because I’m still believing that before it felt like it would ‘feel good to do that’ I feel so miserable I’ve never had bad intentions for anyone and now I’m worried the fact that I’m so unsure and belive that ‘it feels like I like the feeling of suffocating’ does that mean it’s true why do I not believe myself say if its because I secretly do ?? Im really really worried. I’ve always had an instinct to help people but now I’m worried I’ve discovered it ‘feels good to stop someone breathing’ from imagining it and now I would still do that or maybe on impulse or in the moment and its worrying me a lot how can I continue my life like this, I’m so stressed out no one understands it feels so real and I keep being uncertain and deliberately Imagining smothering my mum or my cat to ‘test if it feels like I like the feeling’ but that feeling never comes, but because it has a few times before now I feel like its true and real and I don’t know if maybe its just adrenaline or anxiety and I’m mistaking it for liking the feeling i don’t know anymore, but maybe its possible since sometimes I read a article of something bad or sad happened to someone and it feels like I’m about to laugh or smile when I don’t like what I’ve read and I think that means it’s anxiety or intense feeling and I’m getting false feelings or something. Im such a fearful person I’m literally scared of my own shadow and now I’m believing all this horrible things about myself and it feels so real I feel so sad and drained I don’t know what to do 😞😞 and then I think the fact I can sit there imagining these smothering thoughts about my mum or cats does that mean I’m bad?? I’ve got into a habit of imagining jt often to see if I will get anxious or feel like I hate the thoughts, then I keep thinking that eventually it would happen or it’s inevitable Since now it feels like i ‘like the feeling’ I’m so worried it’s true or I would do that. I jar everything I just want my old life back I’m so miserable

sscc

Date posted: 2y

Your not alone. OCD is isolating, confusing, stressful, and more I get it just trust your a great person and your doing grwat

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@sscc Thank you for your kind words I feel so sad, why do I have to suffer like this 😞😞

sscc

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I know it’s hard and it’s like a constant why me but working thru it helps going to therapy the proper meds stuff like that has helped me I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else but you are not alone.

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@sscc The only reason I can think I’m getting this feeling or ‘liking the feeling’ is because I know before when I first was going through this I was being bombarded with unwanted intrusive thoughts that felt like an ‘urge’ but now I’m deliberately imagining them perhaps it’s the same urge feeling but because I’m choosing to have the thoughts it’s translated into ‘liking the feeling’ or I’ve just confused the urge feeling with that because I’m not choosing to imagine the thoughts where as before I knew it was a fake urge because the thoughts were unwanted? Idk if that makes sense but it feels so real and for some reason I get that feeling of ‘it feels good to do that’ when I see something vulnerable idk if it’s a trigger for those thoughts, like when I see an old or young person or cat I don’t even think of the thoughts but it’s an instant feeling upon looking at them that ‘it feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ smothering thought and idk if that’s adrenaline or fight or flight but it’s o horrible but feels real and now I’m thinking I’ve got this sick desire and when it actually feels like you ‘like the feeling of doing that’ from imagining it’s so scary but feels real and like I’m a liar and I secretly like it 😞😞

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@sscc I feel like now it feels like I actually like it or I’m believing that and eventually it will happens and I’m worried but it feels so real 😞😞

D:)

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

i understand where you’re coming from- ive experienced something similar and it can be very distressing, especially hocd. things can be very hard but you got this. take some deep breaths i believe in you 🤎

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

No therapy, harm ocd need advice Asap please

I keep getting these horrible feelings come back that make me feel down or like my life isn’t the same. It feels almost like someone is holding you over the edge of a cliff and sometimes they pull you back and you feel safe and the next minute they dangle you back over and you feel like there is a big problem again. I feel like I can’t forget how it felt it made me feel like I’m actually evil and I wanted it and enjoyed it and I can’t be normal now. I feel like I don’t even know what I want. I try to forget and be normal but when I do it feels like how do I know I don’t actually want to be evil because it felt like that? And now it feels like what if that’s my true nature and I’m denying it and that makes me feel like well if I’m debating about whether I am or not maybe I actually do want it? I try to live normally but I can’t because I have ‘this’ problem. The thoughts were about stabbing and it felt like it was actually about to happen and I got this weird feeling that felt like I was suddenly really happy about it and discovered why evil people enjoy doing evil things and now I can’t get over that feeling emotion?? Because now I’m thinking how can I forget it felt like that?? And that feeling must still be there I’m jsut not looking for it like maybe if I sat there imagining those thoughts again maybe that feeling would come back ?? I don’t know what to do or who I am I don’t even know if I’m sad or if I’m worried or if I’m good or if I wanted that bad thing but that feeling has really affected me like I don’t know if I want to he evil or not and now I’m worried maybe I was impressed by that feeling what if I want that feeling again because it feels good what if because I felt like I was happy or enjoyed it now I want that again I’m so confused ?? What if evil people enjoy it and I’ve realised why they enjoy it and now I want that feeling again? I don’t know what to do

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I don’t know what to do feel so sad and drained

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