Need an opinion on this? Confused

I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore I’m feeling like I’m faking my feeling of being upset and secretly want to laugh or smile and People on here say they’re scared to think of the thoughts but I’m deliberately imagining them to test myself but how can I think of such vile things on purpose and have no problem thinking of them, I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, I’ve got this horrible scenario in my head that I’ve been worrying about, about burying someone and I’m literally sat there deliberately imagining digging a hole and putting mud on someone’s face and the thought is about my mum and then I’m frowning and getting pain in my eyebrows and feel stressed but I don’t know I’ve been tearful all night and this morning but I don’t know what’s going on. I started worrying. About these things because my brother went away and I’m alone in the house with my mum and I’ve been worrying about it, I don’t know what to do I feel so bad and I’ve been researching about that killer Chris watts and it he had mental health because it’s from that documentary how my ocd started because I started physically shaking after watching it and it’s almost like I got trauma from it because he seemed normal and then done that and online it says he wasn’t a psycho and that’s why it’s a strange case because he was normal and suddenly done that and now I’m wondering why I’m thinking of these evil thoughts in so much detail am I just testing myself to see if I’m like that or am I insane?? I’m really worried and then my brother rang to say he’s back tomorrow and now I feel a bit better but why can’t I be alone with someone without thinking these things I’m scared and don’t know what to do. My life feels like I’m in that documentary and that that could actually happen and it feels real and I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m lying about being worried I don’t even know if I’m panicking anymore I have been tearing g up but I don’t know why I’m entertaining these thoughts if I hate them??? It should be that I can’t bear to think of them but I’m deliberately thinking of them?? Say if I’m split personality or something say if secretly it appeals to me and I’m crazy and I would actually do that ??? I feel terrible

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

What you are displaying is classic OCD. You are not a bad person, you are not psychotic, you are OCD, which is malware in our brains. Know why you're not a bad person and psychotic? Because you agonize over these thoughts and images. OCD wants to keep you on its rumination treadmill. Please know that thoughts are thoughts are thoughts. These harm thoughts are no more of a threat than a thought about baking cookies. They're just thoughts. What will be a huge help to you is ERP therapy through the counseling of a trained OCD therapist. The real OCD therapists use ERP, which is the gold standard for OCD therapy. I have a feeling you are in the UK. According to many British citizens on this community site, the NHS is a bit behind in modern OCD therapy. There is an alternative. NOCD has therapists who treat international patients. They even arrange their schedules to fit international time zones. You'll have to pay out of pocket, I suppose, but the rate of exchange favors the pound sterling over the US dollar. That may help. Why not contact NOCD and arrange a consultation. Couldn't hurt. I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there, it's horrible, but there is hope!

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Steven55! Thank you for this, also one time I deliberately Imagined a thought about smothering my mum and instead of getting anxious it felt like I knew how it felt to do that and it ‘felt good’ to suffocate someone and I have been obsessed with it ever since and been stop stressed out because now I’m believing that I like the feeling of smothering someone from imagining it and I’ve been in turmoil ever since and sometimes that feeling comes back but I’ve got into a habit of imagining the thoughts to test myself and I get anxiety and a strain feeling on my neck, shudders when I imagine it but because a few times it’s felt like I liked the feeling or it felt good to do that I’m believing it like actually believing it and i don’t want to be bad but it feels like now I like the feeling and even though I have a conscious I would still ‘act on it’ because now I ‘like the feeling’ but people on here have told me that sometimes your body can make up a sensation or fake feeling that isn’t real to keep you more obsessed with your worries but I’m worried now because how have I actually come to the conclusion that it feels like it would ‘feel good’ to do that when I don’t want to do that but now feel like it might happen because I ‘like it’ and worried that it feels like an urge or want to do it 😞😞😞 the fact that I’m so obsessed with it and can’t just say no I would never do that and move on doesn’t that mean maybe it’s true my ocd makes me feel like I’m desperate to do that and combined with it feels like ‘I like the feeling’ of smothering makes it feel more real and I keep imagining the thought trying to figure out why it felt like that a few times but it never helps

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I know exactly what you're going through because I've been there, and so have the rest of the harm OCD community. It's a classic OCD trick. If you were really that way you wouldn't be so upset over it. It's just another way for the disorder to keep you on its treadmill. I used to talk to my OCD therapist about the same exact thing. Didn't phase her in the slightest. Like a priest in the confessional, she's heard it all before. Are you in the UK or USA?

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

tayanominous

Date posted: 23w

Did I act on the thoughts?

I worry people might get the wrong idea when I share this but I must post it because I’m scared so basically this is gonna sound weird but I have always sorta been a violent kid but in a normal way if that makes sense like if someone tris over I would find the ridiculously funny but what kinda confuses me is when loved ones hurt themselves I laugh it’s not like I’m putting it on idk I just randomly laugh and i find funny please don’t think I’m a bad person because I’m really not and I’m scared abt this but that’s not the point of this story so I will get to the pint now so basically I was walking upstairs and I hit my head on the door and my mum laughed at me and I said “its not funny I hit my head” and she said something else that made me angry I can’t remember and then I started to charge at her like I was gonna hit her or something and it scared me cuz I wanted to push her or something ( not harmful just like as a back off kinda thing) which I know it’s horrible writing it out but then while I had that urge to push it her or something I also got a groinal so then OCD was like ”you were gonna s3xualy attack just then and you liked it” and now I’m to scared to go near her just in case it happens again cuz I’ve been in a spiral for days now, again please don’t tell me I’m a bad person cuz I already feel like that cuz writing it out it sounds worse then it is irl im sorry if this was triggering and please reply and tell me your thoughts on this.

lu22

Date posted: 23w

Need advice No therapy and really confused

Has anyone ever felt like they got to a point with ocd where they are numb to everything don’t get anxiety much and feel like they don’t know if they hate the thoughts and don’t know if you would or wouldn’t do those bad things? Or feel like they don’t know if it’s ego dystonic or against your morals because you are so convinced that you are bad? Is this possible? Everyone always says on this app that however bad the thought feels they know deep down they don’t want it but is it possible to be so confused or so into believing ocd that you actually feel like you don’t know? I complain about the thoughts/feelings I get from ocd to my family and they say you don’t want it but it’s convinced me so well I feel like I don’t even know? I don’t even know what I feel if I’m anxious or sad or what i don’t even know. I had this thing where it kept feeling sometimes like I would want to smile or as if I was ‘secretly happy’ about ocd thoughts and that bothered me and this time I was having these ‘stabbing’ intrusive thoughts and I got that same feeling I wanted to smile or was ‘happy’ and then I got this horrible urge feeling when my mum came in the room which felt like I ‘wanted to’ act on the thought and from deliberately imagining the stabbing thought to test my emotional reaction - it felt like ‘I knew how it physically felt to stab someone and liked the feeling/it felt good’ and that tied in with the ‘urge’ feeling felt really real like I actually wanted it and then I was sat there with my mum and I was telling her about it and I even told her I would try testing things by holding a pencil to see if it feels like I ‘want to do it’ as kind of an exposure tactic since I was thinking I was bad or would do it and I held it and obviously nothing happened and I even imaginined the thought while holding the pencil while she was next to me and it never felt like I wanted to do anything or ‘act’ on the thought, after I gave it to her and she put it away and then I we was talking and then I had another bad moment where it felt real (I can’t remember if it was the same day or not) but I was deliberately imagining that thought and then i don’t know but I think I got that weird thing where it feels like I wanted to smile or was secretly happy and I don’t know how if i gave into the compulsion and I think I did smile or maybe I didn’t I can’t remember but that ‘secret happy feeling’ suddenly became amplified and felt like the thought of stabbing someone lots of times suddenly felt like I was happy about it would really enjoy it or like it I can’t explain it but it suddenly felt like a real feeling that I enjoy it and I felt like in those films where the evil person is happy about doing something bad and it felt so extremely real it feels 99 percent like it was my own feeling from inside and I don’t feel the same I feel like there is something wrong with me and I will want to do evil things because now I’ve discovered that there is something ‘good feeling’ about doing that bad thing and I’ve ’realised’ why evil people get a thrill over it like I can’t explain that feeling but I wish I didn’t have it but it feels extremely real like my own feeling and now I’m thinking I definitely can’t be helped and everything is over because I will want to do it almost like the same way someone is ‘lustful’ I will want to do that evil thing because of that feeling of feeling happy over doing evil it’s really bad I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m suddenly evil and my ocd has never felt this bad before. But still I’m not crying I’m not anxious I’m just complaining about it to my mum and family members what do I do. It feels almost like because of that feeling where it felt like I was happy now I would choose to be evil or want to be because it felt happy feeling 🙁🙁 I don’t know what to do I don’t even know what that feeling was and then before I was about to sleep my head is like to me ‘you want to experience that feeling again’ and it feels almost like an urge that I want to experience that feeling or be evil and I don’t know because I feel calm I’ve been having ocd for almost 2-3 years so I feel numb nothing phases me, I had a few sessions of therapy online with NOCD but I stopped it and have never had therapy since now I wish I had been having it because maybe it wouldn’t have got this bad 🙁🙁

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