I’m so worried and at a loss

Your ocd is meant to latch onto something to keep you in the cycle of worry and for me it’s this ‘feeling’ I get, it’s not really an emotion it’s like one time I imagined this thought about my mum the thought is about smothering with a pillow, I imagined it on purpose I hope I would get bad anxiety from it and know for sure I hated it but I don’t know why but it felt like I knew how it felt to smother and ‘felt good’ to do that when I imagined it - now idk if that’s the same ‘fake urge’ feeling but I’ve confused it now since these were thoughts I deliberately brought on not the usual unwanted intrusive thoughts so maybe I got a ‘fake urge’ but I’m mistaking it for me ‘liking the feeling’ of doing that since I deliberately imagined it but it’s really horrible and when I get that feeling it feels really real that it ‘feels good’ to do that and I’ve been paranoid about it ever since my life been in shambles. Now I’ve got that in my head that I like the feeling of doing that and would ‘give in’ because I like the feeling, I keep thinking that I would do that now that it feels like I ‘like the feeling of smothering’ and I cry so much over it but it feels to real and because I’m believing it I think we’ll why am I believing it it must be because it’s true and the fact I’m believing that that would actually happen does that mean I want to do that ?? I keep thinking this means I want to give in to it because now I like the feeling and it’s been worrying me a lot. It’s like I cry a lot and am worried and testing myself deliberately imagining the thoughts to see if that feeling is there but I still believe that it’s true and that’s another thing I’ve got in a habit of constantly Imagining those thoughts about smothering on people I care about ans my cats to ‘test’ myself and everytime I just shudder or get a strain feeling in my neck as I shudder and get a sort of anxiety shudder but I still don’t believe that that means I hate it and I keep imagining it to see if that feelings there and then I think maybe I just haven’t imagined it properly for that feeling to come back and then I’m worrying maybe I like the feeling of stopping someone from Breathing and I don’t know but sometimes I think it must just be my fight or flight and I know ocd can make you feel things that aren’t real but the fact it’s making me think I would enjoy the feeling of smothering someone with a pillow is disgusting and I feel really worried about that. It seems like as well that feeling when it does come about it’s always about something vulnerable like a baby or animal qnd then I get more paranoid thinking I like the feeling of doing that to something vulnerable. I’m really worried about my future I keep thinking I won’t be able to live a normal life because now I ‘like the feeling’ I ‘want to give into it’ can ocd make you think that you ‘want to do something’ that you don’t want to do because it feels like that and it’s scary because it’s backed up by that feeling of ‘feels good to do that’ like I can’t explain it but it feels like when I imagined pushing the pillow on someone’s face and then not being able to breathe ‘feels good’ and it’s terrorising me, I’ve always been a good person always wanted to help people and now I have this horrible feeling that’s keeping me in limbo because it feels extremely real and that feeling isn’t there all the time in fact it’s only happened a few times but I go looking for it because I’m worried it’s there so I deliberante imagine the thoughts to test myself. I feel so down and sad. And then a few days ago my sister went away and it was just me and my mum left in the house and it was night and my mum was sleeping and I started worrying because we were left alone and then I started deliberately bringing on these horrible scenarios or me smothering my mum and then in movies when yoy see them dragging a body and burying it and I imagined that about my mum and then I got myself in a panicked state and I starting getting hot and cold chills and heart beating faster and for some reason I kept feeling like I wanted to imagine it and I don’t know why and then I we thinking there must be something wrong with me and now even today it’s the same thing I kept feeling like I needed to imagine it and i don’t know if that’s because I’m worried or trying to test myself but the thoughts so vivid like I know how it feels to drag someone of a thoughts or putting mud on someone or digging a hole and my mum was in it and it’s so disgusting and I don’t know why I was imagining all that on purpose and I’ve had really bad anxiety, I haven’t had it this bad in a while I felt like I didn’t want to eat and feeling unwell like headaches and almost felt like I had a cold that’s how badly Stressed I was but it still feels all too real and I feel really uneasy and now my sisters back home and now I’m worrying why was being alone causing all this why was I imagining all that horrible things about my mum just from being alone I never had those kinds of thoughts like that before and now I’m thinking I can’t be alone with anyone and I feel better now the house isn’t empty but now I’m thinking The reason I’m not being evil is because I’m not alone and I’m worried how can I be getting such bad anxiety but at the same time feel like I want to or need to being on the thoughts am I trying to test myself? I’m such a mess and I don’t know what to do I wish I could be free from all this. A few days ago I went to meet with family and we had a nice time and everything was happy and fine and now it’s all gone down hill and I feel awful. And does anyone have moments where your mind makes it feel so real like it could actually happen and now because of those thoughts it’s felt like ‘that could have happened’ ‘imagine that happened’ and then I feel really anxious like and the im worrying ‘what if I just choose not to do it’ and I’m just worrying and feel like I’ve committed a crime when I haven’t because it felt so real like it could have happened and I’m just a worrying mess. Please god help me