Venting

At 18 years old, I feel like I have lived the life of someone in their 60s. The pain that I have felt is insane. I never thought that I would get to this point (no one does). I just look back at how I used to be and I just can’t believe where I am now. It makes me feel so sorry for myself and that is one of the worst feelings out there. That alongside guilt and despair. Despair. That’s something that I never knew could feel so bad because I never felt it on such an intense scale. These past few months I have felt despair on a level which has caused me to come to the conclusion that despair is one of the worst feeling out there. And if it’s mixed with guilt, it’s bad on an astronomical level. I am writing this on my bathroom floor after a panic attack. This is where I seem to end up these days when things escalate. And I can’t believe I am saying this, but a couple of nights ago things got so bad to the point where I considered taking my own life. I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for me, it’s just that the feeling is so intense that I feel like I need to tell someone this because I can’t carry it anymore. I didn’t physically try to, but the idea was there and it was so clear. It was so scary. All of that happened because of one of the worst intrusive thoughts of my entire OCD experience. It was so horrible. And thinking about it just now made me panic again, triggering my OCD. Yes, even the memory of these thoughts triggers my OCD and makes me overthink it. This thought has been triggering me for days. It just makes me feel like I did something so bad. And then every time the memory of it comes it all just feels like I am reliving it. I do know what I believe and what I want. I really do. It’s just that my brain keeps telling me that the thoughts have ruined that even thought that’s not my intention. I am not going to lie, it is getting so much harder to live every day. I want to live, don’t get me wrong, but I’m just saying that it’s hard to do so. Like I said even writing this has triggered so many thoughts, and the worst part is I always end up questioning these thoughts. I know what I mean and don’t mean, but ocd makes me feel like I did something bad and even if I don’t mean it I said it anyways and hence it defines me. I am proud of myself for writing this, but I can’t even describe the panic that I faced doing this. Like I get the memory of the thought obviously since I am thinking about it but then it makes me question whether I did mean it. I always shake off the thoughts tho, but sometimes even that doesn’t work. If there is anyone out there that can give me some advice or anything please do so. I feel so lonely and I can’t bear this anymore.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

I wish I had the right words to say, or could do something meaningful to ease your pain. All I can do is remind you that this, even if it takes awhile, will pass. The despair will fade and the sun will return to your life. The strength is within you. I feel much as you do. I can so clearly remember my life from before this all happened... I was a different person, it feels like. I was in control. I was happy, or at least content. And you know what? It goes to show what I am capable of. What I know how to do. Yes there is a looming mass of darkness and fear weighing us down, but we put one foot in front of the other. Every sunrise is a success. There are good things in this life too. It may not feel like it, or that attaining those things takes monumental effort, but the effort is a good thing too. It is a testament to your strength. Thoughts do not define us, nor do they necessarily reflect reality. Keep going. You can do it.

brokengirl

Date posted: 2y

@Ancient-1 Thank you for your kind words. I’ve just been fighting a battle against myself. I know what my intentions are and I know my heart. It’s just so painful and not going to lie, it’s been hard to ease the pain. I’ve been isolating myself from everyone because everything triggers my ocd. I overthink everything and it is so painful. Every morning when I wake up I try to fall back asleep because I know a day of pain is waiting for me. It’s not fair, but I cant do anything about it.

Ancient-1

Date posted: 2y

@brokengirl But there IS something you can do. Slowly, day by day you can chip away at this thing. You said it yourself you know your heart. Do your best to trust in that. You're fighting an enemy that gets stronger with every punch you throw. It knows all your best tactics... it's like shadowboxing. But just like in that, when you stop moving, so does the shadow. It's painful, I know, but sometimes you have to drop your gloves and say, "no, enough. I know what's right, I will not fight today." I get it. I really do. It hurts and all you want is to feel like normal again... but you will.

brokengirl

Date posted: 2y

@Ancient-1 I really hope I do again someday. Thank you for being kind.

brokengirl

Date posted: 2y

@Ancient-1 I need ur help plz look at my recent post. I’m panicking

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

jupiter

Date posted: 9w

I don’t know how to live anymore

(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.

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