I hate myself now.

I’ve thought of stabbing people. Family, friends, perfect strangers. I love mowing my lawn, almost it could say it’s a hobby my mind seems to think it’s a good idea to imagine someone under my mower. I think of hitting people with vehicles. Really any way you can hurt someone I’ve thought of it. It’s living hell. Many people with OCD have similar thoughts. If you’re irredeemable then so are we. Thoughts are not actions. You’re not guilty of anything. It can and likely will get better.

You are so much more than your OCD. OCD is a bully and it lies and exaggerates every fear. Please know you are not alone in feeling like you don’t deserve to be here. But we do, we are good people suffering from a mental illness. You are loved. You are important. You are needed. Medicine can help, it just needs time to help you. I’m currently taking medicine and in the waiting game myself. It really sucks sometimes but I know it can help. Be honest with your therapist and tell them what you’ve just posted here. They are there to listen and help you. If they aren’t a good fit don’t give up, there are other therapists. Keep fighting, I’m praying for you.

you absolutely do not deserve to die because of these thoughts! they are just thoughts and that’s all they are ever going to be,ocd will tell you otherwise but ocd is wrong every time. you will not do these things and you do not have to live your life engulfed in these thoughts. its hard but the first step to getting past it is just accepting that you’re having these thoughts. i know it’s hard but trying to push them down and  continuously tell yourself they’re bad will only make it worse. allow the thought to be there and don’t engage in it no matter how hard. focus on something else that will take all of your attention. also expect the thought to come back because it most likely will.. but that doesn’t mean anything because it’s still just a thought. don’t shame yourself for having these thoughts because all of us do, whether it’s all the time or occasionally. you will make it through and you will be relieved from this. keep holding on and don’t let go🫶

1. You need sleep. Lots of it. 10hrs day 2. You need medication. Gold standard is Anafranil, SNRIs are good too. Zoloft and Prozac at high doses are well tolerated. You also need a mood stabilizer. 3. U need EMDR and CBT after the medications and u are sleeping regularly 4. You need 3-4 well balanced meals a day 5. 30 min aerobic excessive where u sweat by 20 minutes in 6. Make no big decisions 7. Take at least 3 days off work or school to get ur sleep schedule in order 8. Stay off all social media 9. Meditate. 5-10 min 2 times a day. Even if mind doesn’t clear it is the training of the mind that creates the habit of meditating 10. Read books about meditation 11. Find a loving God you understand and meditate with that concept. Meditation is listening while prayer is talking. Big difference. 12. Get in nature 1 hr a day 13. Have safe sex or masturbate 4 times a week, because you need the endorphins. If ur lucky to have a relationship for sex be grateful 14. Be grateful. For all the blessings you have. List them on a small piece of paper and keep it in your pocket everyday. Read them when ur in the OCD loop. 15. OCD is a loop. No one can understand what it feels like except those with it. You lack serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine in a critical area of your brain. You were born that way. It is no different than diabetes or cancer in the sense that it is a disease. 16. OCD, gambling addiction, cocaine/meth addiction and alcohol addiction look the same on a PET scan of the brain. Avoid these other outlets 17. There is pride in OCD. U see things others don’t or won’t. Laugh at urself and let close friends know that you are suffering and talk out the crazy thoughts. 18. Tell people you love them for who they are and it will be returned to you 19. Journal. It lets u know where you are and banks some ways you managed OCD now for the future. 20. You need a team: doctor/psychiatrist, therapist, family support, friend support. Check in regularly 21. Get out of yourself. Volunteer. Give to others your time with no distractions or expectations anything will come to you. Check in on an older person who lives alone. They need you. You need them.

I am so, so sorry that you've been suffering so much. It's really hard to grasp positive things in the thick of so much garbage and terror. OCD a HORRIBLE doubting disease, and of course you do NOT deserve ANY of these awful intrusive thoughts! But despite it, the fact that your themes revolve around harming/violating other people is PROOF that you're like the LAST person to EVER actually do those things. OCD is an evil villain and attacks the very things that you treasure the most!!! I'm sure you're a super caring and loving person who wants to uplift and protect people. OCD attacks that virtue of yours and wants you to think you're the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what you are. So sorry if that wasn't very helpful, I don't mean to reassure you or anything! Those are just some facts I've learned about Intrusive thoughts over the years. YOU. ARE. SO. STRONG. A friend once told me that dealing with OCD is one of the hardest things you can do.