I hate myself now.

i have been getting really gross intrusive thoughts. They have caused me to feel such intense guilt. It’s gone to the point I harmed myself and believe I deserve this harm. My parents had to hide all sharp objects from me so I don’t harm myself. I also have wanted to end my life due to the intensity and discomfort and disgust and repulsion these thoughts give me. I feel since I have these intrusive thoughts I do not deserve to live. I have been to a mental health emergency room and I felt better afterwards but it was temporary relief. I have been given medication for this (sleep since the intrusive thoughts and the fact that I have these intrusive thoughts keeps me awake unable to sleep, and pills for my OCD to potentially stop the intrusive thoughts and anxiety. But I was only given them last night so they will not work for a week or so). I don’t even feel comfortable saying the theme of them because I’m terrified of people thinking I am that and am so repulsed by the fact that still exists, I would never think anything like this out of my own will. If I heard anybody say the thoughts I have out loud , I would stay away from them, and be disgusted by them for saying it. I wouldn’t even vocalize these intrusive thoughts to a therapist because they would hate me which would be completely valid and understandable. I hate me too for thinking this. I don’t deserve to live. I live in constant guilt. I never got thought like this until these theme decided to ruin my fucking whole ass life. How do I remove these thoughts and guilt. I’m only a kid and I know I have a whole life ahead of me but I don’t deserve it for having these intrusive thoughts. I’ll get intrusive thoughts like wanting to harm somebody in a graphic way (WHICH I DO NOT WANT. I wouldn’t even get in a fight with somebody. I hate harming others.) these thoughts are 100% UNWANTED. They also developed at random. I was just scrolling on tiktok as one does then I got a super random intrusive thought. I fixated on it and obsessed over it and it caused worse and worse intrusive thoughts to come because of me fixating on it. I remember I had it once before (earleir I says I’ve never had thoughts like this untill the theme, the intrusive thought i had then was still bad and something I don’t think at all, but it was an extreme one) but I was able to acknowledge it was an intrusive thought and had nothing to do with me after freaking out for about a few hours. I don’t want to live with these thoughts. I don’t deserve the gift of life. I can’t stand up from guilt. I can’t eat on my own. I’ve tried everything. They’re constantly in my head. I DONT WANT THEM THERE. I DONT THINK LIKE THAT AT ALL. I am seeing a therapist on Thursday. They get so specific and disgusting. My compulsion is hitting myself in the head and screaming “no that’s gross ew”. As you can tell it harms me . But I think I deserve it. I can’t take any thing anyone says to me seriously because if they heard these intrusive thoughts all the pity would disappear.

Username: Erick KErick K

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve thought of stabbing people. Family, friends, perfect strangers. I love mowing my lawn, almost it could say it’s a hobby my mind seems to think it’s a good idea to imagine someone under my mower. I think of hitting people with vehicles. Really any way you can hurt someone I’ve thought of it. It’s living hell. Many people with OCD have similar thoughts. If you’re irredeemable then so are we. Thoughts are not actions. You’re not guilty of anything. It can and likely will get better.

Username: SosickofOCDSosickofOCD

Date posted: 1y ago

@Erick K It’s just they get so specific. About friends or just random people. The thing that also bothers me is how they’d feel if they found out about these intrusive thoughts.

Username: Erick KErick K

Date posted: 1y ago

@icantdoocd I have quite a few of those thoughts burned into my mind myself, and to tell the truth I fear how people will react to my thoughts as well. That doesn’t change the fact that we have done nothing wrong.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

You are so much more than your OCD. OCD is a bully and it lies and exaggerates every fear. Please know you are not alone in feeling like you don’t deserve to be here. But we do, we are good people suffering from a mental illness. You are loved. You are important. You are needed. Medicine can help, it just needs time to help you. I’m currently taking medicine and in the waiting game myself. It really sucks sometimes but I know it can help. Be honest with your therapist and tell them what you’ve just posted here. They are there to listen and help you. If they aren’t a good fit don’t give up, there are other therapists. Keep fighting, I’m praying for you.

Username: mbfaraoni25mbfaraoni25

Date posted: 1y ago

you absolutely do not deserve to die because of these thoughts! they are just thoughts and that’s all they are ever going to be,ocd will tell you otherwise but ocd is wrong every time. you will not do these things and you do not have to live your life engulfed in these thoughts. its hard but the first step to getting past it is just accepting that you’re having these thoughts. i know it’s hard but trying to push them down and continuously tell yourself they’re bad will only make it worse. allow the thought to be there and don’t engage in it no matter how hard. focus on something else that will take all of your attention. also expect the thought to come back because it most likely will.. but that doesn’t mean anything because it’s still just a thought. don’t shame yourself for having these thoughts because all of us do, whether it’s all the time or occasionally. you will make it through and you will be relieved from this. keep holding on and don’t let go🫶

Username: TnocdTnocd

Date posted: 8w ago

1. You need sleep. Lots of it. 10hrs day 2. You need medication. Gold standard is Anafranil, SNRIs are good too. Zoloft and Prozac at high doses are well tolerated. You also need a mood stabilizer. 3. U need EMDR and CBT after the medications and u are sleeping regularly 4. You need 3-4 well balanced meals a day 5. 30 min aerobic excessive where u sweat by 20 minutes in 6. Make no big decisions 7. Take at least 3 days off work or school to get ur sleep schedule in order 8. Stay off all social media 9. Meditate. 5-10 min 2 times a day. Even if mind doesn’t clear it is the training of the mind that creates the habit of meditating 10. Read books about meditation 11. Find a loving God you understand and meditate with that concept. Meditation is listening while prayer is talking. Big difference. 12. Get in nature 1 hr a day 13. Have safe sex or masturbate 4 times a week, because you need the endorphins. If ur lucky to have a relationship for sex be grateful 14. Be grateful. For all the blessings you have. List them on a small piece of paper and keep it in your pocket everyday. Read them when ur in the OCD loop. 15. OCD is a loop. No one can understand what it feels like except those with it. You lack serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine in a critical area of your brain. You were born that way. It is no different than diabetes or cancer in the sense that it is a disease. 16. OCD, gambling addiction, cocaine/meth addiction and alcohol addiction look the same on a PET scan of the brain. Avoid these other outlets 17. There is pride in OCD. U see things others don’t or won’t. Laugh at urself and let close friends know that you are suffering and talk out the crazy thoughts. 18. Tell people you love them for who they are and it will be returned to you 19. Journal. It lets u know where you are and banks some ways you managed OCD now for the future. 20. You need a team: doctor/psychiatrist, therapist, family support, friend support. Check in regularly 21. Get out of yourself. Volunteer. Give to others your time with no distractions or expectations anything will come to you. Check in on an older person who lives alone. They need you. You need them.

Username: bunniesncheesecakebunniesnchee...

Date posted: 1y ago

I am so, so sorry that you've been suffering so much. It's really hard to grasp positive things in the thick of so much garbage and terror. OCD a HORRIBLE doubting disease, and of course you do NOT deserve ANY of these awful intrusive thoughts! But despite it, the fact that your themes revolve around harming/violating other people is PROOF that you're like the LAST person to EVER actually do those things. OCD is an evil villain and attacks the very things that you treasure the most!!! I'm sure you're a super caring and loving person who wants to uplift and protect people. OCD attacks that virtue of yours and wants you to think you're the TOTAL OPPOSITE of what you are. So sorry if that wasn't very helpful, I don't mean to reassure you or anything! Those are just some facts I've learned about Intrusive thoughts over the years. YOU. ARE. SO. STRONG. A friend once told me that dealing with OCD is one of the hardest things you can do.

Username: jelpk

Date posted: 5y ago

LONG POST: Can someone help me by answering this? I’ve had intrusive thoughts before but I used to just push them away. In September, I had intrusive thought about life after death and it sent me into a spiral of fear and anxiety. I had trouble falling asleep and focusing during the day. I went to see a therapist a month later. It was a walk-in session and they told me to do CBT. Accept uncertainty and move on. This gave me even more anxiety. Eventually, with meditation, i was able to keep the thoughts at bay. Then in December, I began to have intrusive thoughts about my sister. They were sexually disturbing and I even wished that I could have intrusive thoughts about death again. I then it switched to sexual thoughts about my brother and he’s only a kid so I feel even more disgusted by myself. It’s been like this for three months now. I’ve tried meditating but it’s not doing much. I’m ashamed to tell my parents and I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid I’ll act on the thoughts all the time. Then I wonder if I actually want to have them. It’s so draining. I hate waking up each day to these thoughts. I wonder if I actually want to have them since I have had them for so long. I’m so frustrated with myself.

"Pure" OCD

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 4y ago

HARM OCD MY LONG STORY. I wanted to post my story just incase someone else can relate to my intrusive thoughts. I’m am 16 years old and I suffer with anxiety but lately I’ve had intrusive thoughts to do with harming myself and others on and off for about a year now but they are really bad at the moment. I remember I had my first set of intrusive thoughts when I was around 11. I was on Instagram ( I know you are not supposed to have it till you’re 13 but all my friends had it at 11 so I felt like I had to haha ) I remember I read a post about someone commiting suicide and I quickly googled to check what that meant as I didn’t know and as an 11 year old that freaked me out as I had never thought about suicide before and I thought to myself “that’s awful what if that happened to me and I wanted to kill myself” I remember this thought scared me and I thought that just by thinking that maybe I did want to and I remember I kept getting thoughts that said “I wanna kill myself” in my head and they scared me so much so I told my mum and she told me these thoughts were just triggered by a scary post and I quickly forgot about them. It first started around a year ago when I was on summer break from school and when I was at my friends house and we was watching a documentary on YouTube about a serial killer as my friends and I found them quite interesting. I remember suddenly as I was watching it I got a random thought “what if I became crazy and wanted to kill everyone”. I remember my heart skipped a bit and this thought terrified me as I had never thought about anything like this before and I thought “Oh my god no you’d never want to do that” and I quickly forgot about it as I was with my friends and I got distracted. The next day I continued that documentary at home by myself as we didn’t completely finish it and they thought returned “what If I wanted to become a serial killer” and again I was completely terrified. I was terrified that this thought meant something and I kept asking myself why do you keep thinking about that and I couldn’t get it out my head. I then kept thinking about this thought for about a week and I kept wondering why I was so obsessed and kept thinking about it. I remember thinking to myself “what if you are thinking about it so much because deep down you actually want to do it?” I remember this made me burst into tears because I’ve have always been such a caring and kind person and I’d never want to hurt anyone I can’t even hurt a spider if it’s in my house I have to remove it careful lol! After obsessing over these thoughts for about a week I returned back to school where I got completely distracted and didn’t have these thoughts for about 4 months! I then remember getting a scary thought again 4 months later when I was watching the news with my mum, dad & brother and on the news was the story about I think terrorist attack in London where someone had stabbed a couple of people and I remember watching it thinking “oh my god this is awful, I can’t believe things like this happen” etc. I then remember a random thought popped into my head and it was “what if that happened to me and I went crazy I went round and stabbed people” I remember this thought made me cry and I had to leave the room and my family and I went up to my room and I started crying and I thought to myself “why the hell would you think of that” and I kept telling myself “it’s just a thought you know you’d never do that” and the thought actually passed and I didn’t think of it again. I then didn’t have any harm intrusive thoughts until now. I hadn’t had bad obsessive thoughts for about 5 months since now. About a month ago I watched a video called “reacting to the scariest 999 calls” and I really wish I hadn’t but it didn’t even enter my head that this could trigger my intrusive thoughts. One of the calls in the YouTube video was a serial killer who after every kill rang the police to tell them he couldn’t help it but he just kept killing people. This again absolutely terrified me and I straight away thought to myself “what if that happens to me and I can’t help myself and I just want to kill people” I straight away turnt off the video and my heart was beating so fast. I remember I straight away burst out crying and I just kept thinking to myself “what if that happened to me” and “what if I become a serial killer” and “what if I want to do that deep down but I don’t want to admit it”. That last thought was the one that triggered my anxiety the most because I believed that if I’m thinking this it just mean something and maybe I actually want to do it even though these are genuine fears and things i fear happening so much. The next day I woke up and straight away these thoughts popped into my head again and stayed through out the whole day and the whole next week. As the weeks past and I kept worrying and obsessing over these thoughts the worse and worse they got and I literally could not get them out of my head. After a week of worrying about becoming a serial killer my thoughts then moved on to another set of worries. As we are in a global pandemic and we are in quarantine I am quarantining with my mum, dad and brother I remember I got a thought “what if I just went downstairs and grabbed a knife and just stabbed all my family isn’t there stories of teenagers doing that? What if that happens to me and I do that” This thought made me feel so sick and I literally could not stop crying and again I started to obsess over it. I then started to feel weird when I picked up knives because I was having these horrible intrusive thoughts about stabbing family members that literally disgusted me. I also had thoughts about “what If I just took a knife out with me without even thinking and I stabbed random people when I was out.” I literally couldn’t touch knives for a week straight and if I didn’t I felt extreme anxiety because I had fear I was going to act out these thoughts and I just felt so so so scared I can’t explain. The more I worried and obsessed the worse they got and quickly. I remember I’d just be watching a video on YouTube of a random girl and I’d think “omg she is so pretty” and then out of nowhere my brain would go “I wanna kill her” and then I’d think “NO YOU DONT WHAT THE HELL AND WHY THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING THAT THATS HORRIBLE AND DISGUSTING”. I could also just be talking to my mum and having a normal conversation and my brain would go “I wanna kill her” out of nowhere which made me feel physically sick as I’d never want to do that and I love my mum and these thoughts honestly just made me cry straight away. I also had a fear I would just randomly snap and hurt someone so I worry that I’d argue with my mum and just out of nowhere lose control and hurt her. I argued with my mum over something and I got angry and I thought “what if I got angry and I hurt her” which made me so upset and then straight away again after that thought I got another random out of now where “I wanna hurt her” thought which just I don’t even know to explain but those are the intrusive thoughts that scare me the most. I then turnt to my dad as he is always so understanding and he knows I’ve always struggled with really bad anxiety. I opened up about these thoughts and worries and fears I was experiencing and he laughed at me. He said these thoughts were simply irritational and did not at all fit with who I am and my character. He reminded me that they were just triggered by the scary video I watched and that just because it happened to someone in a YouTube video does not mean it’ll happen to me. He said I also don’t have it in me to kill or hurt someone as I am caring and kind and that not to let these scary thoughts get to me. Opening up about seeking reassurance actually made these thoughts a lot worse and more obsessive. I thought by opening up about these thoughts I’d feel better and reassurance from my dad would help but it only helped for about 3 hours then the thoughts came straight back and they started to come back worse. I was out with my mum and there was police near by and I remember thinking “what I’m an awful person for having these thoughts and I need to go and confess them to the police so they lock me up.” and when I was out I remember thinking “what if I have a knife on me and I don’t know” and “what If I brought a knife out with me and I didnt realise and I just stabbed someone” and “what if I brought a knife out because I secretly want to do it” and I remember I started crying so much in public and I thought I needed to confess my scary and horrible thoughts to the police because I couldn’t be trusted and I’m an evil person. I then remember coming home and I just thought to myself “why do you keep thinking of such horrible things” and “do I actually want to do these things?” I also remember thinking “I must want to do these things if I’m even thinking about it” and I then got a rush of thoughts like “I wanna kill someone then I’m horrible person if I’m thinking this” and these thoughts kept telling me “I wanna kill someone” I then decided I couldn’t take any more so I contacted my therapist and told her all the thoughts I was having. She reminded me these thoughts were normal and it was just my brain getting all of my fears out. She said the more I think these thoughts mean something and that deep down they have a meaning or deep down I want to do them the worse and scarier they will get. She said to remind myself I can not control the first thing that pops into my head and when I get these scary thoughts I should write them down on a piece of paper then throw it away and just think these don’t meaning anything. She also said “Your wild imagination is normal its what enables us humans to be creative but sometimes this can be scary.” This calmed me down and I felt reassured as it was coming from my therapist. After talking to my therapist I started to feel better and everytime I had a thought I would just laugh write it down and bin it and remind myself they are normal and everyone gets them. But intrusive thoughts are like bullies so they came back worse and this time I could see myself doing these horrible thoughts in my head but I still tried to stay strong and reminded myself of what my therapist had told me. I then started googling these thoughts and it led me to intrusive thoughts and harm OCD which I literally relate to everything I have read online but of course I don’t want to self diagnose but I’ve already been diagnosed with anxiety and ocd comes under that. Dealing with these scary intrusive thoughts are so so hard. I will tell myself “I don’t want to do these things they just intrusive thoughts and my anxiety will make me worry that mean something but they don’t” but then my Anxiety and OCD will tell me “ maybe deep down I do want to do these things and I’m awful person” and “I want to kill someone these thoughts must mean something” I read online and my therapist has told that everyone has these thoughts but most people just don’t think they mean anything but no matter how hard I try I can’t help but think these thoughts mean something even though I’ve been told by my therapist my dad and online therapists that they don’t. I am so worried that deep down I want to act out these thoughts and that’s why I’m thinking about them. I’m so so worried that I’m a psychopath and a disgusting person and that I need to be locked up. As soon as I wake up I worry and it only goes away for a certain amount of time and these thoughts and worries come straight back. Please tell me there’s people out there that deal with this stuff too!! I’m here for you

Harm OCD

Username: Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

POCD

Serious trigger warning here for POCD and suicide. I have these thoughts, urges, and feelings that are terrifying. I don’t act on them and I believe I would never act on them but it feels so real and horrible. I don’t know how this started and I want to believe I am a good person but I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible. And even just these thoughts scare me to my core and make me think, “oh what if I am a pedophile” even though I know I’m not, and I don’t know how to deal with them. When I can keep myself busy it gets easier to forget this stuff, but if I have downtime I can’t get it out of my head. I had a young girl, most likely middle school age, come into my work with her parents today and I was terrified of the idea that I could be attracted to her. I don’t believe I truly am but my thoughts get so aggressive that I don’t even know what to believe. I avoid a lot of things but sometimes you don’t have the option to avoid and it just gets things further stuck in my head and I end up fixating on awful things. I wake up with this stuff floating around my mind and I can’t get it to go away. I’ve even considered just ending it to all to make it easier on myself and to make sure that I never have the opportunity to act on these horrible thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever want to do these things and I know it may sound ridiculous, but the consequences of these actions I haven’t committed scare me as well such as people no longer trusting or loving me, prison, hurting someone else in any way, not being a good person, etc. I just can’t find anything that helps fix this. I have broken down many times due to this issue and I feel like it’ll never go away. I know killing my sled is not the answer and I know I will never act on any of this but the thoughts and feelings are so aggressive that I live in an almost constant state of fear of my own mind and body. I hate this. What did I do to deserve to suffer this way? Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal human thoughts and why of all forms of OCD did it’s have to be this one? I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me fix this before I lose hope.

POCD

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I hate myself now.

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