Confused and worrying

I managed to calm down a bit but my head doesn’t want to forget about the thoughts because it felt like something bad was going to happen and that it was real (I was home alone with my mum and I had these horrible thoughts, they weren’t even intrusive I deliberately brought them on and i don’t know why) but it was a thought of smothering and then it was thoughts of dragging my mum and then it was about burying (I feel horrible even writing that) but I deliberately thought of them out of no where and it felt real that that was about to happens and I kept feeling like I wanted to think about the thoughts and kept imagining them even after getting hot and cold chills and heart beating fast I felt like I wanted to imagine it for some reason and now I’ve been worrying for a few days a lot and feeling really crappy and everytime I think if the thoughts I feel really crap and it feel real like it could have happened and now I’m worried and feeling like I don’t even know if that’s what I actually wanted to do? - I know that sounds crazy but had anyone else had ocd for a long time and now you don’t even know what you want or how you feel? At the start of ocd I knew I hated the thoughts and pushed them away. And now I don’t even know when I’m anxious because I’m use to the anxiety and I don’t even know if I actually want to do those horrible things or not and that’s really scary where as before I knew I didn’t want that 100 percent but after having this for so long it’s like. I’ve become confused and don’t know who I even am, irs scary and that day it felt like those thoughts were going to happen and now I’m thinking does that mean everytime I will be alone with someone this is the result and why did it feel so real like it was good. To happen and that I wanted to and was deliberately thinking the thoughts it’s really scary to think about but at the same time it’s like I’m confused and think I like it and want it but really those thoughts make me feel sick but feel so real and I can’t always tell they make me feel sick and disgusted 😞 I managed to calm down and ignore it and felt better but now I keep feeling like I need to think about it to check or because it’s a problem since what if it could have happened and in the future it could happen now? And I keep having this horrible feeling that it could have happened and just didn’t and that it could happen next time and that I don’t even know if I wanted it or not and I feel really Worried and am believing that I do and I’m so confused and don’t went this to be true 😞😞

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

I'm sorry. I hear you. If you want to talk about it, we could

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous Could you please tell me what you think about what I wrote

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I think I agree that OCD is confusing and worrying. I'm sorry you are going through this. :( I don't want to provide reassurance to checking behaviors, but am of course willing to talk about it. Do you think you could be obsessively checking to see if this is normal or not for OCD? Or just want to talk to someone who understands? One thing I will say even before you answer that is that OCD can be really confusing, something I'm sure you already know well

lu22

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymous I don’t know I feel really lost and terrible and no once cares and I feel horrible I don’t know what to do I don’t even belive myself anymore

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 I'm sorry you feel that way. :( I know those feelings. I feel lost and like no one really cares about me either. I think I care about you. :) Although I may not have any words that can make these thoughts stop, though. Talking about your main post, I have deliberately thought some thoughts before and questioned myself for it. Sometimes it feels like something bad could easily happen, like you could slip up and do something terrible, and I hate it when I feel like that. Sometimes OCD can confuse your image of yourself and who you are. And our feelings to our thoughts can change, and while it might not really mean anything significant, it can be super distressing. I don't think you need to ruminate and figure anything out. Ruminating won't fix anything, you won't figure anything out from it, it won't prevent anything.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 Also, are you able to see an OCD therapist?

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

@lu22 And I know it might seem like I wouldn't care, but before you think that I don't, decide for yourself this: do you care about me even though you don't know me? In the same way, I care about you. :) I hope that all makes sense. And of course I think that others closer to you in your life care about you, like I think others care about me even though I don't always feel like it. But they just might not fully understand how we are feeling. I do hope you have been doing well

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 24w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

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