It has been a year

Hey everyone, been doing ok this week but having a little bit of a rough moment rn. So I’m about a year and a half out of college and I still have yet to a real job job. I worked for eight months somewhere which was great but I decided it wasn’t permanent. Now I’ve been unemployed for about four months and OCD is really having a field day with it. Trying to deal with it and just keep applying everyday, but I always feel like my family and friends are looking down on me and/or just plain disappointed in me. Just wanted to kind of vent and get this out of my head before I go to bed. I hope everyone is having a great week!

17f Just like the title says. I came to realization that I lost a whole year of life. I remembered my real event in the end of january of 2024. Since then my life has been a living hell. Also kinda made a couple new smaller events through this year. And I know I deserve it cause my event was actually bad. Even people without ocd on reddit agree it was bad. It's still ocd, but I deserve it probably. For this whole year I haven't had a day when I wouldn't think of it. It became my default state to constantly have it on my mind. I walked around, pretended to have fun, talked to people. Most of the time I wasn't really there, I was thinking about my event. My event haunts me when I'm awake, when I'm asleep. I spend this whole year either freaking out, being depressed, thinking on methods to off myself, ruminating, seeking reassurance or trying to distract myself with books, TV shows, social media or daydreaming. Literally barely engaged with reality. So it's so hard to believe a whole year passed... I can barely remember anything that happened during this year. I can't believe this is my life. Probably doesn't really matter cause I don't plan on staying there that long. There is no way I'm going to experience piece with myself. So I will be out in a year or so, since my plan requires some time. Finally will end it all. It just feels very weird. A whole year passed. I was so deep down in my head I didn't even notice. It's scary.

I don’t know what I can do. I guess this is more of a depression thing than OCD but who knows. I have been battling this ongoing war within myself for years now and it’s been affecting my academic performance. situation of mine right now: I haven’t done a lot of work for my classes this month and I feel like I’m going to fail the semester again. I don’t know what it is but I can never seem to begin any work. I know I am capable but why can’t I get myself to start? why has this been going on for so long? I don’t understand. I have a history of good grades back in high school before I turned 17. I don’t even know how to describe it. it’s like I’ve been paralyzed and cannot do any work. but I can somehow do offside tasks like pinterest boards or random youtube videos. if I get rid of those, what do I do? I end up sleeping. because I’m tired. I have a low vitamin D deficiency & have been trying to get energy. I’m at a loss. I also bought unnecessary stuff on sunday when I went out with my family. I bought some things for the kids and I ended up buying myself a dress and a few accessories. now I have to work extra to gain that money back doing uber eats because I need it asap. it’s like I don’t want to work, for now. my coworkers who are around my age don’t work as much & I think to myself, “wow, they must be getting in the work done” meanwhile I’m working 3 days a week (which isn’t much) and attending school. I feel like if I change my schedule again, I’ll ruin it for the rest of my driver coworkers. I’m in a lead position at work so having to put on a mask is quite tiring. there’s so much I want to say that I don’t think it will fit in this post. I have booked a mental health session with a school counselor. all I want at the moment is to have my own place and be in a better mental state to take care of my cats. they mean a lot to me but this stupid ass undiagnosed mental issue is getting in the way. sorry for the long rant. I am tired.