- Date posted
- 2y
Does this mean I hate the thoughts?
I just deliberately imagined this really horrible thought about my mum to test myself and I never got anxiety but it felt like my body suddenly tensed and I imagined it again and I get this thing where my whole body tensed up and my arms go all tense and I start almost squirming moving my arms all weird and now my back hurts from tensing but I never got anxiety just my whole body is really tense in that moment and then it hurts, does that mean I don’t like the thoughts? Because I never got anxiety but I got really tense and now my heads saying maybe I’m tensing on purpose to pretend I ‘hate’ the thoughts or that I’m bringing the tense on on purpose and I don’t hate it. Basically I’ve been having this thing where (this is the second time this is happening) where it feels like I ‘like the feeling’ of imagining doing that horrible thought or this time it was it felt like I ‘wanted’ to imagine these horrible thoughts of burying and dragging my mum and it felt like k wanted to imagine it for some reason and then I got hot and cold chills and heart was beating fast but for days I’ve been worrying about it screaming and crying to everyone around me but still convinced I now like it and I keep trying to imagine weird and disgusting things like how I would feel if my mum was in the ground and I was in the house and it’s so disgusting but I don’t know why I’m thinking weird crap like that. What level of messed up is that??? And what feeling??? What feeling is there associated to that? Like what the hell is going on. This is gonna sound really weird but it’s almost as if I have to imagine what it would feel like for me to be buried when my heads trying to imagine that about my mum and how would I feel about that??? And trying to convince me I want and like that and I feel really confused and worried. This all happened because I was left alone in the house with my mum (my sister went away for a few days) and I don’t know if it was out of worry but I deliberately started thinking of these disgusting thoughts I’ve never really thought of before about dragging and burying my mum and they were on purpose and for some reason felt like I wanted to imagine them and then I was getting hot and cold chills and rang my sister in the middle of the night worrying, And because it felt like I wanted to think of the thoughts then I was thinking oh I must like it and now I keep trying to imagine the thohhtns to test myself and also feeling crap because it felt like that was about to happen and now I’ve been feeling bad and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always had a creative imagination, my English teachers were always praising me for my creative writing and now my head thinks of these sick disgusting things in so much detail and I don’t even think it’s possible for anyone to think of anything so weird as trying to imagine how it would feel for ‘my mum to be in the ground while I’m in the house’ makes me feel so terrible like what the hell is that and I was trying to imagine it like what the hell and I’ve been going through this for so long and I’ve become a bit numb to the thoughts like I don’t get really anxious like I use to and I can sit there imagining all sorts to test myself and not feel much and now it’s become a problem because I’m not getting anxious and instead it felt like ‘I wanted to’ think of the thoughts then I start imagining messed up things in detail and for days I have been suffering crying and shouting and feeling so hopeless and like everything is doomed there’s nothing I can do and I’ve never felt so helpless than these last few days like I just want help and I don’t know it feels like I’m actually believing this and everything is over and it’s inevitable. I stopped drinking Diet Coke and any drinks with caffeine tea,coffee,fizzy drinks/soda and I was better and I started recently And also eating a lot of fast food McDonald’s and kfc j don’t know if that’s why my problems suddenly Got so bad because I was coping a lot better before and all of a sudden I started eating this food everyday and drink caffeinated drinks and then this happens, it can’t just be a coincidence right? 😞😞😞😞