Miserable because it felt so real

So the other day I was left home alone for a few days with my mum which hasn’t happened before but my sister went away for a few days and it was the worst I suddenly started having these horrible thoughts and it felt like for some reason I wanted to think of them and it was really horrible and it felt like I was actually about to act on it and my ocd gives me weird feelings/sensations that make me feel like I would like the feeling of doing that horrible thing or it would ‘feel good’ to do that horrible thing and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since now I’ve been miserable for days because now I’m thinking it almost happened and I keep thinking now the only reason it’s not happened is because I’m not alone with someone and I got this scary thing that felt like I wasn’t anxious over the tnohjts and would ‘do it anyways for no reason’ and it’s really scary and feels like I didn’t want or not want to do it and that it could happen. I’m unable to be happy now because it keeps coming back to my mind and even yesterday my head gave me that same feeling of ‘imagine you done it anyways right now’ and that accompanied with that feeling that feels like ‘I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing and I know how it feels to do that’ makes it worse and feel like I’m just ‘choosing’ not to do it 😞 now I’m literally believing that I’m capable and would do that and it’s horrible i don’t know what to do

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

The thohjts im mainly worried about is about ‘smothering’ and I get this feeling that makes it feel like when I think of it I know how it feels to do that and it ‘feels good’ to do that 😞😞 and then the thoughts I was worrying about when my sister went away was that and I had these horrible thoughts about burying my mum and dragging her and idk if it was out of fear or because I was testing myself but it felt like I wanted to imagine it or keep thinking of it and it’s worrying me

Username: Anonymous AAnonymous A

Date posted: 1y ago

It’s just your OCD trying to pull you back in. Whether you are anxious or not about a certain theme you will still experience unwanted and unpleasant intrusive thoughts. Sometimes when I’m doing really well, a theme I haven’t dealt with in a little while will come up in the form of intrusive thoughts with an “urge”. When I don’t feel anxious because I realize it’s just my OCD flaring up it usually follows up with “oh no, I didn’t feel anxious which must mean I want to do that and this is my secret desire deep down”. This thought can be very distressing but it’s important to realize that it is a Hail Mary attempt by your OCD to drag you back into the anxiety loop. Keep in mind that no matter the thought, you decide your actions. You got this. Keep giving it your best. I’ll be praying for you.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous A My head is constantly trying to twist things as well like in this you wrote ‘you decide your actions’ and I’m comes the doubt that I would still do it or act on it, since I feel like I don’t trust myself. It must have been because I was aware I was home alone that these thoughts came but the problem is that I was thinking them on purpose and rethinking them and with that feeling that feels like I ‘like the feeling’ it makes me feel like I would actually do that and it would be because I WANT to. Over all I obviously know I don’t want any of this but I’m worried because of this feel one day in the moment it will come up and I will end up doing it because I ‘want’ to and it’s very unsettling and I don’t trust myself anymore, all I know is whenever I get into these phases where I start worrying I get into really bad states or anger where I’m screaming the place down and crying and throwing tantrums because of it, but it still feels real and like it could happen 😞

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous A Thank you for your response it means a lot, I feel very alone. I’m not a bad person, I’ve always had a desire to help people, even when someone is driving if I see a animal trying to cross the road or even people I worry as soon as I see them or even today It was night time and I was walking and I was worried about stepping on snails but despite these things this feeling of liking how it feels to ‘smother’ is really worrying and makes me feel like I actually enjoy the feeling and will end up doing it, I feel very conflicted

Username: Anonymous AAnonymous A

Date posted: 1y ago

I am the same exact way in both instances. They say OCD usually occurs in the nicest most nonviolent people. Keep that in mind. Don’t let it the crazy disturbing thoughts and feelings define you. You decide what you act on. The fact that you are so upset about this should tell you that you don’t want to do these things. Additionally, you don’t want to reassure yourself, but keep in mind that your thoughts and feelings don’t make you a bad person. Your OCD is trying to trick you I promise. When you get out of your anxious state you will realize it too.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@Anonymous A Thank you, I feel so alone, no one understands and I don’t know what my life has become. I wish I never had this problem, feels like a curse

Username: kmacsimuskmacsimus

Date posted: 1y ago

My friend, I am dealing with something so similar. It’s all focused on my loved ones too and it’s making me think I really want to act on it. I’m sorry for both of us.

Username: lu22lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

@kmacsimus It’s so heartbreaking the constant doubt and worry, it such a sad situation

Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Please give me advice harm ocd

I wish I hadn’t have deliberately imagined the the thoughts to test myself. It feels like I’ve confused myself and now there’s no answers. I think while testing myself with these thoughts to see how I would react, I was hoping I would have a strong negative reaction to them with bad anxiety, which did happen but somehow I’ve confused myself into thinking the anxiety made the thought feel like an urge and my body went into fight or flight mode and now I’m thinking that reaction was me liking the feeling of doing that horrible thing in my thought. Now every time I have an intrusive thought and I get anxiety, I no longer feel like it’s anxiety and instead think it’s me desperate to do that because I l understood what it feels like and now I want to do that. Before i deliberately imagined the thoughts and got myself in this mess I would just brush all thoughts off as intrusive and felt okay but now I’ve got myself in this tangled mess of no answers, and it’s more scary than ever because I’m mistaking my own feelings. I feel so sick to the core that I’ve started believing that I like the feeling of doing that and this has all happened because of experimenting with the thoughts in my mind. I’m worried what if I’ve understood something I shouldn’t have and now I want to carry those evil things out but I’m not bad at the same time or the main thing that worries me. When it feels like an urge it feels like that’s about to happen and I keep thinking what if I’m desperate to do that and I’m the future I give in and it’s horrible, how did my life become like this.out of all the intrusive thoughts I’ve ever had this is the worst thing, I was saying it out loud to my dad for the first time yesterday ‘I imagined doing that to test myself and now It feels like I like the feeling of doing that’ and it just sounded so strange like what am I even saying what am I voicing out, what the hell is going on, how did my life get like this, I definitely must be confusing my feelings, I mean is that a thing? Can you have false feelings or can you confuse your feelings and feel like you like imagining something. I know that I don’t want to do that I hate it it’s disgusting but my anxiety and feelings are making me feel like I like imaging doing that and when I get an urge with an intrusive thought it feels like I would like the feeling of doing that, how can I like the feeling of doing something I have never done and that I am crying everyday about and is making me feel so terrible, I’m so confused, I mean people on here say ‘ocd tries to convince me I like the thoughts’ but idk if mine is ocd or me, because it feels like my feelings are making me convinced or that, what if it’s true? I feel so terrible. This problem all started because of this horrible documentary I watched but the man who done the evil things was living a normal life he was married and had kids and suddenly killed them and then I started worrying because why was he living a normal life then did that. I use to think the normal things I do mean that I’m not bad but now I’m thinking what if living a normal life you can still be bad 😞😞😞😞

Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Really need advice I’m worried please harm ocd

I keep getting a shock feeling and shivers and feel intense over the thoughts but I’m still not convinced that I don’t like the thoughts and keep deliberately imagining the thoughts to see my reaction. I’ve been doing this since one time when I imagined the thought it felt like ‘I like the feeling of imagining doing that action’ like it felt as if when I imagining doing that horrible thing that I liked the feeling of squashing someone’s face with a pillow (the thoughts are about smothering) now I’m worried I like the feeling of suffocating someone and it’s just awful I don’t believe myself anymore I’ve been having so many crying episodes but I’m not convinced and keep bringing on the thoughts and now I’m genuinely believing that its possible I ‘like the feeling of doing that’ and I feel like I’m in hell, I don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible and I’m worried I get a good feeling from imagining doing that or that I would like the feeling of doing that and it’s driving me insane I’m so worried. Recently I keep getting a jittery feeling and anxious every time I have the thought but My head is convincing me that I’m some how ‘deliberately’ making myself anxious and I’m not actually anxious and I secretly like the thoughts and want to do that but for some reason I’m ‘pretending to be worried or anxious’ please can someone help I’ve been worrying for days I really don’t want to like the feeling of doing something horrible but I’m worried it’s true 😞😞 please help say if I’m getting some sick good feeling from imagining that and it’s really scary but I don’t know it it’s my fight or flight and I’m confused or whether because I’m imagining the thought in so much detail combined with the intense anxiety makes it feel like an ‘urge’ and then it’s somehow translated into ‘feels like I like the feeling’ I’m really worried I don’t know what to do please help

Username: lu22

Date posted: 1y ago

Really suffering a lot

Please reply, I know this can be seen as seeking reassurance but I think in some cases people need it and I am really suffering and am not in therapy or have ever been 😞 Is it possible with harm ocd that you can get use to the thought to the point you don’t get anxiety but the ‘urges’ can still be there? Or it feels like you ‘want’ to act on it or ‘like it’ or my head has literally convinced me that I like the feeling of doing that horrible thing and I get no anxiety when thinking about the thoughts (thoughts about smothering) and it’s stressing me out because I get no anxiety but it feels like I would suddenly lash out and do that and it’s because I ‘know how it feels to do that and enjoy/like the feeling of doing that/stopping someone from breathing with a pillow) I feel very upset and don’t know what to do, I’m carrying on with things but I’m constantly carrying this with me and I’m not stressing out over it every second of the day but I feel like I just don’t know what to do it feels so real and like it would actually happen and it’s ‘not the right circumstance for it to happen’ and Im just a mess and don’t know how I can live my life this way, believing this? It feels like it would happen or is inevitable and it would be because I like the feeling of smothering and it’s so horrible and I don’t know what to do I don’t even feel any bad feelings of anxiety or anything anymore but the other fake urges/feelings are there and it’s weird and I’m worried and don’t know how to deal with this

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Miserable because it felt so real

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community