- Date posted
- 2y
Just wonder what is truly wrong with me
My therapist has made comments abt thinking I have OCD but I’ve never been officially diagnosed with it but it seems fitting based on what I’ve read. I also fall into the category of seeming to have bipolar disorder or bpd, adhd, and so on. It is so hard to manage my issues if I don’t know what is really going on & the professionals don’t either. One day I am bipolar then suddenly they don’t think that. It’s just a never ending battle. Life is. Things go well for a day then suddenly the next week is hell. I feel like I seem dramatic and I fear talking about my feelings or emotions because I have this fear of seeming annoying or dramatic. I have this fear that I am not making any sense & I just don’t know how to help myself. I am overall struggling right now. My financial situation is a joke as long with my home situation. My home situation “could be solved” with my own place but who the hell can afford that? My “love life” that’s a whole other thing. I started hooking up with my best friend & it’s been abt a year now & we’ve had the conversation of how we shouldn’t be hooking up bc we don’t want to hurt each other. After the first conversation we made it a month before breaking it. Then this past time it was a week later when we were as showing all these other signals. Is it that we don’t want to ruin the friendship or that we are emotionally unavailable? we we lived together for a year & didn’t stick to that boundary and still cannot stick to it now that he’s moved out we had that conversation again just for him to come over & us continue doing what we “shouldn’t”… it’s so hard when your childhood trauma consumes you completely, preventing you from happiness. “Everything takes time” I get that but I want to be happy now, you never know how much time you have… The thought of someone loving me is just so unreal to me since I’ve been hurt so much in the past. I understand we say we shouldn’t risk our friendship but we’ve been doing it for a year straight & when we are apart things seem off for both of us. It almost seems like we are lost without each other, I know me for sure. Maybe that’s what happens when you spend a year living with someone. I just wish he knew how special he is and worthy. It’s not fair that his family broke him growing up or that my family broke me, we still deserve happiness.