What if I’m wrong?

It’s getting harder and harder to feel like it’s OCD these days. I keep wondering if maybe it’s not and if it isn’t, then what’s the point of living anymore? I’d rather die if I really was a pedophile like I don’t wanna live like that, there’s no point… and it’s so unfair, like why can’t I just be normal? Why can’t I go back to being unaware of anything like this? I feel like I mistakenly opened a door and now I’ll never be able to close it. Just today I saw a screenshot of a post on Twitter where someone asked if older people get attractive to you as you get older and how it was a concern for this person. And I saw so many people act like it was weird or like someone should be considered weird for even wondering about that. But I worry about that too! And they would say things like “oh well it’s not like you’re attracted to the same people you were as a teenager, right?” The problem is I’ve never really truly been attracted to anyone (as far as I can tell??? I don’t know)!! And I wish sometimes I was because it scares me… People would say “oh well the idea of dating even an 18 year old disgusts me” and I fear not having enough of that disgust. Or that I never had enough of that disgust. Maybe there’s been something wrong with me all along and I’ve just never really been able to tell until now. 😞 Not only do I worry about being attracted to children or even just someone too young for me (to the point of wanting to cry and wasting time thinking about it and not being able to find an answer), I worry I’m too shallow and a bad person for thinking that older people aren’t that attractive and fearing getting old. People say it’s ridiculous to fear aging but I kind of do and I don’t want to but it doesn’t work like that, so I just do. I guess I also have FOMO massively? Like what if I end up attracted to younger people because I never had a chance when I was younger, like I don’t want that! I don’t want to care about that - it shouldn’t matter so why do I keep thinking about it? What if I get too old to enjoy things - I haven’t even had a college experience (I’m in a “gap year” situation right now I guess and OCD isn’t helping) and I worry I’m gonna miss out and never get the chance… I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m never gonna get over this and my life is just gonna be miserable forever. What’s the point to any of it if I can’t enjoy life because I’m always going to be worried I’m a freak or afraid of getting older? I feel like I got messed up somewhere or that I did something to ruin myself. This sucks.

Cynthy

Date posted: 2y

I do not know if you have OCD but it is not abnormal to feel like if I something had not happened yet it never will. Life has ups and downs but there is much joy to be had as you age. I married late for awhile I thought I’d always be alone but at 71 I have a loving husband 4 living children and 6 living grandchildren. Don’t let current darkness stop you from reaching out for future joys

James1455

Date posted: 2y

I'm 28 and when I struggled with everything you described starting when I was around 18. Those fears are crippling, and they bog you down so hard that it seems impossible to get out and back to who you are. The only reason I ever had any hope and am alive where I am is Jesus, none of it was ever too hard for him. And he was never once scared by any of it, he was there to help me every moment even when I didn't think so. I'm married now to a wonderful woman and have a 5 month old daughter sitting right beside me while I'm typing this. He's blessed me more than I ever thought could happen when I was in the places you're at. Pray to him, get to know him and learn why you can and do love him. He'll be the best thing in your life I promise.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 20w

Life kinda just sucks right now 18+ only

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

My brain hates me (18+)

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Maybe it is OCD (please say anything)

I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.

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