Relationship OCD

Yup! I have. I was ruminating day after day about my boyfriend cheating on me and now I no longer think about it. Pretty cool!

( TW ) Im just copying this because i posted it just now LOL… kind of a long read but the end is pretty straightforward <3 I often find myself in situations during relationships that should be exciting passionate and loving. However, I tend to (im not sure the proper term) “disassociate” or “zone out”. During that period of time I think things like “why is everyone the same” “why am i alive” “i just want to end it all” “whats stopping me from ending it all” “i cant wait for him to leave so i can attempt”…and so forth… Today, I was once again in this situation. Me and my boyfriend were making out while listening to music. Usually we go farther but he said he only wanted to make-out so in a way it made the ordeal more special. In the middle of this I felt as though i was watching myself and/or in the wrong place. I knew where I was and what I was doing, but I just wasn’t connected. Then my boyfriend and I stopped. He looked different, like a bit sad. After asking him what was wrong and slightly nudging it out of him, he looked at me, his eyes beginning to water. He then explained to me he just loves me so much. I held him in my arms. This is where I took use of what I learned. I kept telling myself “you love him you love him so much” “hes not like anybody else hes genuine” and I kept telling myself “this isnt you, YOU love him! its your OCD talking”. Now, this may sound kind of fucked up but it helped me. In this situation I just needed to FEEL. I said “what if he died? if he was taken from your life?” and I was almost punched back into reality after talking to myself more about it. It was like I was placed back into reality. So thank you to the stranger who told me that “its NOT YOU its your OCD!” :) I’ve been trying to find the root of why I can’t seem to let people in…or maybe the better term is commit? Or more like, rely on them. I havent quite found it but everyday im getting closer, and everyday I come to terms with my issues, and everyday I get better.❤️‍🩹 it feels soooooooo amazing when you try to change and see improvement

I haven't overcome, but I'm in the process of trying to get to the root of my OCD, instead of just managing it. It's really hard, but I've been making progress. I do have hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.