Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

Struggling today - need advice. cheating ocd

Literally a decade ago, I was in a bad situation where my friend had passed out and left me with the guy she was seeing. He was being really flirty with me and I did like the attention but he knew I had a boyfriend. I made that very clear. He had touched me inappropriately by trying to massage me and I stopped that when I became uncomfortable. Later on in the evening, he tried to kiss me and I pulled away from it because I knew there was no way I was going to let that happen. I vividly remember saying “I can’t”. I was extremely emotional that night because I was confused on why I liked the attention. I’ve had so many fears around what I said - did I say I wanted to but couldn’t? Did I flirt back? I had ZERO intentions of letting anything happen but I admittedly liked the attention he was giving me. I feel so guilty for liking that attention and feeling desired. My then boyfriend, now husband knows about this but I haven’t shared that I am scared of what I may have said - if I had said “I wanted to” out of stupidity or not. It was 10 years ago and alcohol was involved so I can’t remember it clearly. This wasn’t ever a concern or a thought until recently. We hashed this out a year ago now and I don’t want to bring it up again. Is this something I need to tell my husband? Like I said, we have talked about this and moved on and he said as long as we didn’t kiss or anything, that’s all that matters - which we definitely did not. I just can’t shake this feeling that I said something terrible like that or that I wanted to kiss him back (I did find him attractive, but I never would’ve risked my relationship by doing something stupid). I have cheated on a past boyfriend and knew I never wanted to feel that way again and I knew I had a future with my husband. Any advice would be great because this really sucks. I’m also newly pregnant and I think my hormones are making all of this flare up again because this hasn’t bothered me for months.

snailmilk99

Date posted: 2y

I completely understand. I know it may seem weird to bring it up again, but I think you should. your husband loves you and wants to be there for you I'm sure, so I have no doubt he'd be willing to discuss it if it's something that's been bothering you. even if it is just pregnancy hormones, your feelings are valid and deserve to be discussed. :)

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

i’m going to share a situation with you that was similar to what you experienced and that i also felt a lot of shame about (but never really obsessed over). when i was 18, i was out with a group of friends. within that group was one of my closest friends and a boy she liked who was always very touchy feely. well, during that outing, he was very touchy feely with me. he flirted with me and touched and even tried tickling me in front of her, probably aware that she liked him. and the thing is? i liked it too. i didn’t find him attractive, but it’s always nice to feel desired. it wasn’t until the next day that i realized how hurtful his behavior was to my friend and that i was also being hurtful by not telling him to back off (the way you did!) i apologized to her for that (and still do) and we’re still close friends to this day. but my point is, humans like attention. people like to feel as though they’re attractive, and it has no bearing on our feelings for the actual person. as for my advice, sit with the feeling. outside of the ocd torturing you right now, you know you didn’t actually do anything wrong. you told him to back off. and really, this guy sounds like a creep for continuing to pursue you. i really hope you do better soon and congrats on the baby!! my niece was just born and she’s heaven on earth!

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@ocdgirl123 also! don’t confess to your husband. that’s a compulsion and is going to make you worse in the end.

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@ocdgirl123 if you do ever speak to him about it, it has to be outside of the compulsive need to “confess.” as in, “this is an ocd thing that’s bothering me. it’s irrational and stupid. i know i did nothing wrong, but it’s torturing me anyway because i’m so terrified at the thought of hurting you.” but really, this situation is best discussed with an ocd therapist

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@ocdgirl123 Thank you so much for sharing that with me 🥹 that helps a lot. My husband had the same perception, that this guy was actually a predator and put me in a really crappy situation. That when he realized he wasn’t going to get sex with my friend, that he was going to try with me. I’m so fearful about what I had said, but the bottom line is that I never had intentions to let anything happen. I know confessing is a compulsion - because as soon as I do, I’ll just find another thing to latch onto. Thank you for that reminder.

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@ocdgirl123 And thank you for the congratulations on pregnancy! We are very very excited 🥹

ocdgirl123

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymität that’s all that matters. my ocd likes to torture me with thoughts that i’m a terrible person who has secret malicious intentions when i know that’s not true even when it still feels so true. and don’t feel shame for the urge to confess either! i’ve done that with people before searching for relief and i’ve only ever regretted it. this is such a horrible and cruel disorder. and your husband sounds so understanding. even if ocd doesn’t let you know your heart, he does.

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@ocdgirl123 Yes!!! OCD is so cruel 😭 I completely understand that feeling because I constantly feel like I’m hiding something from him and he doesn’t know the real me. It’s heartbreaking. But you’re right - he does know my heart and he is so kind and so understanding and sweet. I hope OCD becomes a little more kind to you, too 🫶🏼

LivingInMyHead

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I’m going through something very similar as well… OCD can be SO convincing and make you go down a spiral and can twist so many stories up in your head. It’s an awful feeling. I’m so sorry you are also experiencing this.

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@LivingInMyHead I’m so sorry that you are as well!!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

LivingInMyHead

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymität This is a good blog written by Kimberly Quinlan! https://kimberleyquinlan-lmft.com/false-memory-ocd/

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@LivingInMyHead Thank you for sharing that! Although the whole time I was reading it like “but am I just using that as an excuse for my shitty behavior?” 😂 this illness sucks lol.

LivingInMyHead

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I know same 🤣 OCD is so twisted… 😩 are you seeing a therapist? I just started seeing one at NOCD

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@LivingInMyHead No :/ NOCD doesn’t accept my insurance and I’m having such a hard time finding someone who specializes in OCD in my area.

LivingInMyHead

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

@Anonymität im so sorry.. mental health resources can be so hard to access 😔 it really sucks. I went through the same thing a couple years ago. Luckily now there’s a lot of online resources out there that can help. Jenna Overbaugh has a ton of helpful resources- blog, podcast, masterclass. I listen to her podcast all the time. She has great content on her Instagram too. https://jennaoverbaughlpc.com Also, Shala Nicely. I’m reading one of her books right now! https://www.shalanicely.com

Anonymität

Date posted: 2y

@LivingInMyHead You’re so sweet, thank you! I’ve actually purchased 2 of Jenna’s classes AND I also listen to her podcast! She is extremely helpful!!! I’ll check out the other person! Thank you!! Today feels a little lighter. I realized that those what if details don’t matter. Even if they were true, they still don’t REALLY matter because it was 10 years ago - nothing ended up happening which is the bottom line. I just need to continue to accept that and “feel ok” about it.

LivingInMyHead

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

Of course!! Yes I love Jenna’s podcast- so good! Happy to hear you are feeling better today- you got this!! 💪🏼

User17annon

Date posted: 16w

Please help 😞

I have false memory real event ocd, I’ve been married 13 years and I used to constantly bring up past mistakes from when we were dating and it RUINED our marriage, but I got medication and therapy and things got better untill a few weeks ago where everything crumbled. I have a memory that is 13 years ago of me being intimate with my husband (than boyfriend) while being intimate I have a memory of sending a text to a male who obviously liked me but I didi not while my husband was under the covers . And I keep thinking over and over how disgusting and inappropriate it was to do that especially doing it in the middle of being intimate 😞. I have confessed this to my husband last year and he didint believe me saying it’s probably a made up memory and would are not a slut and wouldn’t do that. Now i have guilt all over again for weeks and it’s taking such a toll on me it’s all I think about and try to remember every detail I’ve thought about it so much I don’t even know if it’s 100 percent true. But I can vividly see it when I close my eyes. How do I get over this guilt without confessing? Confessing would absolutely destroy my husband.

crybaby

Date posted: 16w

Advice please!!

I will be straight forward and honest. I have cheated in the past. My last relationship was long term, and I had begged and begged for him to change and in the end he never did. I don’t know why I cheated. And I’m not going to make excuses for myself for why I did. I messed up. The cheating was online, it was never in person. But now, I’m in a new relationship. And he’s everything I have ever wanted in a boyfriend, husband, and best friend. I want this man to be with me the rest of our lives, and I want to see him help raise our future children. But I can’t help but feel such immense guilt, because although I have never cheated on him, his ex had cheated on him. And I truly don’t understand how or why she would…but that’s not my place to comment on. Such a big part of me wants to tell him, and tell him that that’s not me anymore, and I know that we will communicate healthily and openly, unlike my last relationship, which he never wanted to. Not only this, my brain just won’t. stop. thinking…about how I had cheated. I regret doing what I had done, I don’t WANT to cheat anymore, or ever again. Especially with the love of my life I have now. But I’m scared of what do I do if I have a compulsion, or anything revolving around cheating. I want to tell him about it, but I know I shouldn’t, and can’t really tell him as it’s complicated, and I know I would only make things worse. I feel like such a terrible person, and girlfriend, for what I have done and what I’m worried about ‘if I do’, even though I don’t want to. I want to be better, I want to grow. Any advice please would be amazing.

.Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

ROCD/False Memory

I suffer with a constant worry of what if I’ve cheated. You name it I’ve thought I’ve done it. I’m quite flirty at nature and also insecure. Sometimes hand in hand I don’t think they balance each other out as the constant need for attention to validate myself can backfire. Although I have the best partner ever and she makes me feel nothing less than beautiful I still crave validation from others. That being said someone I used to work with left over half a year ago and when they worked at my current place of work we were very close. Text everyday, phone calls you name it. However looking back I was extra flirty as I wanted him to fancy me. I wanted the power to turn him down to make myself feel better. Awful I know. Now all I can think about is what if I’ve done something. What if I kissed him. What if I’ve slept with him etc. I’ve kept our whole conversations from the minute I got his personal number. I constantly search key words to see if my intrusive thoughts are real. I can except the uncertainty my therapist tells me about as if I have done the worst and cheated I would loose my partner and our 10 year relationship. I love her so much she is my life but I can’t stop thinking what if I’ve cheated. Does anyone else suffer with the same theme? If so how do you cope?

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Struggling today - need advice. cheating ocd

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