Am i a terrible person ?

My pocd has been so so awful this year i absolutely hate it. it gives me so many intrusive thoughts that plays into real events / false memories. An incident happened today and i cannot stop panicking. I was laying on the sofa as my head was sort of hurting and i was sleeping. My younger cousin came to get the remote from me and before she did i moved my head away from her and then closed my eyes and waited for her to move bc close contact makes me anxious. But here’s the thing. i’m freaking out because what if i moved my head back so it brushes past her private area? did it brush past her? were my intentions bad?? 😭 and the thing that makes this feel more real is the fact before she came over to pick the remote up, she called my name to change the channel but i didn’t reply and i think i knew she’d come over to get it. i think maybe that’s why i opened my eyes to move the control but by that time she had already come over. am i a bad person? literally an hour before this i was holding my breath when she was next to me because i didn’t want to breathe too much as it may make the sofa move underneath me which she was sitting on too. i feel like the worst person ever & i deserve to die 😭💔

Username: Wolfram Wolfram

Date posted: 1y ago

I think you tried avoiding the situation at first and didn't plan that far ahead and now overthinking the outcome. You didn't do anything. You're a good person, you don't want to do anything either. So no wants, needs or actions that indicate your bad. I get you fear what it would look like because the thought repulsed you that much but this doesn't seem like you actually did anything wrong right?

Username: dreamerxodreamerxo

Date posted: 1y ago

@Invalid thank you for the reply! it feels awful because the what ifs are so difficult to get past and they feel so incredibly real. i am pretty sure i moved my head to avoid her. i keep thinking about the situation and the more i do it the more confused / uncertain i get. i feel like the worst person

Username: TerryLee2217TerryLee2217

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Remember if you were a pedophile you wouldn't be in fear of being a bad person. Pedophiles like to prey on children, those of us who have had or have Pedophilia OCD are afraid of pedophilia. What you're experiencing is that fear, you're blaming yourself and are panicking because you don't want to be a bad person. So that's the blessing, knowing you care so much about children you don't want to hurt them in anyway. You're getting exposure by being with your little cousin which is great! Keep going! Try not to fight those thoughts that makes it worse, accept them, know that they don't define you, and keep doing what you love, I know it is hard but it's so worth it to keep going. Please live. ❤️

Username: lily_07lily_07

Date posted: 1y ago

I’ve had very similar experiences and it’s terrifying like I thought I was the only one who this happened to but I’m so happy I’m not alone

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 4y ago

WARNING: POCD I need to know your thoughts... I'm panicking and feeling horrible This is probably one of the first events that made me wonder if I was a "p". (I'm female, 20s) Two years ago, in the summer, I went to a friend's house and I met her younger sister (8, at the time). She was very sweet and adorable and I liked her so much! She showed me her toys and she was always around me... I feared I was feeling some sort of attraction to her... And now that I am recalling the event, I'm getting so afraid that this attraction was, in fact, real. I'm on the verge of tears right now ... Because it was so strong... Believe me, this felt like attraction. I'm thinking about her as I'm writing this and I'm remembering the warm feeling I experienced (like I was developing a crush) - I just want to cry because I don't want to be a "p". I spent the whole day in panic and wondering If I was "p" and if I was attracted to her. I tried to dismiss the thoughts and enjoy the day. I've always wanted a little sister and one day (at that time), I wanted to have a daughter someday. I've played with her and talked with her. Later that day, we went to the pool and I played with her again and even gave her piggyback rides (which now, I know it was a mistake - because I am getting flawed (false) memories that I touched her butt but I'm almost sure that I only touched her legs when giving the piggyback rides but I'm afraid that I touched her butt on purpose too to be deviant! I feel like I would be capable of doing such a awful thing). I remember enjoying her company and wanting to be more time with her... But now I'm so scared that I had bad intentions, because "p" people want to be around children. I feel like there was more than "having a child/sister for a day" because of my strong feelings for this girl. I regreted this whole dayAnd when I went back to her house, I avoided the child at all costs. What do I do?? I feel so hopeless... I am crying like crazy, not knowing what to do. I feel like a "p". I am so scared that I was attracted to her and now I have this new false memory that scares me... Please help me... I'm in despair..This particular story weights on me. I'm reviewing it over and over (taking the false memory off) and I don't think I did anything wrong BUT I cant help but to feel uncertain about it... Even if I didnt do anything wrong, I still feel bad for not avoiding it. I felt like a "p" the whole day... I had these intrusive thoughts the whole day... Yet, I wanted to be near the child and play with her?? I was trying to dismiss my thoughts - I tried to fight them! but I can't help to feel that what I did was predatory! Or wrong! I have been crying so much about this subject... I have high morals... And everytime an adult plays with a child is usually a "p" or a predator... I am so afraid that my "desire" to be with this child was an indicator that I'm a p or a bad person in general. Please... I want to know your opinions (I also have another question. I also felt "dirty" all day. Are all of these symptoms normal in ocd? Do people with ocd can like being with children? Are even these questions making sense?) I can't help to reinforce this! I felt terrible afterwards - I regret it so much... I felt dirty during that event, after that event and even today! This was my first time (or one of the first times) dealing with with pocd... I thought it was my brain trying to get me... So I tried to fight it! But... I feel like shit for not avoiding her... I'm so afraid I actually felt attraction for her because it was so strong the affection I experienced for her... I feel like a p... I'm so done...

Username: riiii

Date posted: 3y ago

Hello everyone this is my first time writing on here and I’m really scared to even say something because I have never had proper help with ocd or been diagnosed but I’ve been dealing with severe ocd since 2017 now. I just want to get better but it feels like there is no way out at times. My most common are sexual thoughts or pocd or ocd related to my family, sexual or harm. Yesterday my niece was at my house and I adore her to bits but over the past year I’ve become very distant with her and I don’t like hugging her or touching her or just being close to her. It makes my heart break because she is everything to me and I have to push her away when she comes to hug me. Yesterday I tried to get over it and play with her again so I hugged her and sat by her side with my head on her shoulder but a sudden urge came into my mind and it was so disgusting. I kept thinking I would touch her inappropriately or without her consent and that thoughts just took over my mind. This will sound so stupid but my thumb or fist was on her back and I had a thought that it was wrong to touch her so I pulled away but the thoughts came rushing back and I let my fist be placed in that same position again. I feel so disgusted I know it’s nothing and this sounds completely insane but I feel like I’ve done something disgusting and touched her in a inappropriate way and I havent been able to get over it because it feels like I let the thoughts win and they made me do it? What if it isn’t ocd? I’m feeling like I just can’t get through the night please tell me if real event ocd happens to you guys and how to deal with it? Is this ocd or am I just this disgusting person who did something to her? I keep replaying the moment in my head but all of it is fuzzy and I can rationalize it. I just feel disgusting.

Username: dreamerxo

Date posted: 46w ago

FALSE MEMORY

hi i hope everyone is well!! i’m a bit upset atm. so i have had pocd for a while now and one of my biggest fears is happening rn. my younger cousin has to sleep with me as her parents are away and she said she wants to stay with me as she feels less homesick with me which is so adorable and it shows she feels safe with me. but im so scared of false memory ocd playing up and the what ifs. like i’m petrified to go into my room rn nc the thoughts are “everyone is asleep what if you do something” “what if you do something and don’t remember” or “what if you do something when you’re half asleep or asleep”. it’s almost 2am here and ive locked myself in the bathroom. im actually really nervous. she hasn’t slept in the same room as me since 2022. 😭😔 like my body feels like it needs to be tensed up and that i cannot relax. any advice will be appreciated

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