- Date posted
- 2y
Met up with an Ex
Hi NOCD community, I hope your brains are feeling as safe and stable as they can be today <3 I’m seeking some validation, or where validation isn’t due, clarity. I met up with an ex last week not to rekindle any sort of relationship with her, but to talk over some things she did that really hurt me that I never got to express. Being distanced from the situation, I forgot that her behaviors could still pose a potential threat to me now. At one point she hit me in the face with a bag full of stuff I was carrying for her, joking, “do you ever just..” followed by the movement. It hurt my face and I just looked at her plainly and said “no, I never just do that.” She said “ah, okay, it happens to me all of the time.” Only she is what happened, the behavior did not happen to her. It was not accidental and she was not gentle. Normally, I would brush this off as a careless mistake but it is things like this that were the exact reason I wanted to meet up with her again. During our relationship, I would convey to her that physical things she did would hurt me and she would become very upset with me, making me feel like I was accusing her of something simply because I was expressing that I was uncomfortable. I felt unsafe to let her know when things she did caused me pain and so I let this happen to me for a while, being young and inexperienced. That night, whatever I came into it hoping to say I only said half of. Looking in her eyes, I still felt afraid of the reactions I remembered receiving after communicating to her in the past. It felt like a step backwards, and now I feel less strong than I did before. I’ve been isolating and my ocd has become so much worse, as my mind is trying to find one thousand ways to avoid that this hurt and this night was difficult. What’s harder is I feel like I can’t talk about it with most of the people close to me, because they pleaded me not to see her. I didn’t listen out of hopes that she’d be different now, that somehow I’d receive closure. I was wrong. Please, any advice or suggestions on how to heal from these experiences? It feels good just to know I am being listened to. Thank you for this space to share our feelings openly and freely.