- Date posted
- 2y
so close to giving up (long story pls read)
struggling so bad when pocd and wanna give up because i feel like a pedo here’s my story: this summer i began babysitting for a one year old boy who i love and adore. during this summer i had perfectionism ocd and rocd. i never would’ve thought that pocd would’ve been added to the list. but it started off one day i was changing the baby and i got these terrible intrusive thoughts of doing something sexual to him. this freaked me out and the more i wanted to get the thoughts out of my head the more they came. i was terrified. then i stared thing about the baby while me and my bf did sexual things. they were all intrusive thoughts but i hated them. soon i felt like if i touched the baby in any way that i was doing something inappropriate. like if i was changing him and had to wipe him that oh what if i hit his private part and went down a spiral of thinking it was inappropriate. a while ago i had a false memory that the baby had triggered my groinal response. i was at the the house i babysit for and i straddled their couch and of course it triggered my groinal response because this event was a while ago when i remembered i convinced myself it was the baby sitting on my lap that would have caused this sensation. this sent me down a spiral of freaking out. i thought you could only get a groinal response from contact at the time. so not wanting to use the baby i used stuffed animals to place on my lap and on my private part to see if it “felt good” i told myself i’m not going to use the baby to check for my groinal response. then i was playing with the baby on my lap and i had the thought of “what i’m using the baby to check for my groinal response” but here’s the issue. i don’t remember when i thought this thought. if i thought of it before i put him on my lap or while i was playing with him on my lap. i’ve replayed this event so many times. since i only thought groinal responses can be triggered from contact down there i was worried i purposely put him on my private part to see if it felt good. what actually happened was i put him on my lap and was playing with him. i don’t even think i put him on my private part of my intention was even to check i just think it was a thought that came to mind while playing with him. ever since that i’ve replayed this event many many times. i can’t even remember what happened at this point. i’ve convinced myself i’m a pedo. i told myself i sexually assaulted him. the thing i’m so worried is if i put him on my private part to test if it felt good that it would be assault. and since i can’t remember if i did or not i’ve convinced myself i sexually assaulted him. i think things like how would my parents feel raising a rapist. it’s been hell and back and i’m suffering so much i wanna give up. i babysat him and put him on my lap again and was playing with him like i did last time. but this time i purposely put him on there to test if anything i was doing would touch my private part. like as in i recreated what i thought i did last time just to make sure none of the ways i was playing with him would’ve touched my private parts. which gave my temporary relief. i know people have told me that i didn’t do anything wrong or that i probably never put him on my lap and my intention wasn’t to put him on my private parts. but i can’t believe anyone or anything because im just convinced im a rapist and it sucks so badly. i’ve tried to ignore these things and not let it get to me but it’s so hard. anything helps.