I feel like an irredeemable human (POCD)

Honestly I can relate, but really, we all do stupid stuff as teens, not out of pervision or malice, just being unaware of our actions, if you feel bad about then it shows you know what you did was wrong

This is an obsessional thought. The word of God says that if we confess our sins to God, he is faithful and just to forgive our sins and cleanse of from all unrighteousness. That he forgets our sins and remembers them no more. Rest in the Lord and HIS mighty strength, not in your perfection. Every time this memory comes to your mind, you can label it "this is OCD" and say, thank you God, for your forgiveness. I trust inbYOUR faithfulness.", and let thoughts be thoughts. I hope this helps.

I literally know how you feel and you are not alone.

I can only really speculate, and I wonder if I was just turned on during either of the times like while writing and if that influenced what I did. In the server I was in which is now since gone, there was a rule of implied s*x, where nsfw roleplay was forbidden of course, but activity could be implied by way of like a black screen or saying something like “they went behind that wall” or something. I was around 18 at the time when either event I’m focusing on took place, and they both involved implications like that involving another character who’s owner was younger than me, probably around 14 or 15. I see ages below 16 as a huge red flag when it comes to this stuff, and even above that line it’s still risky and I wonder if I used them or potentially manipulated or even made them feel obligated to participate. I can’t remember the smallest details of my headspace or feelings at the time, I can only hope that I wasn’t influenced by wants of s*xual activity. It never went beyond implication though, but it doesn’t feel that much better.

I’m not much of a religious person, but I do feel the need to confess these sins not really to god, but to the world, to let society judge my character when everyone knows every questionable or bad thing I’ve done. I use this analogy a lot, it’s like shaking a big bottle of soda, the pressure is building up and wants to escape badly

Sometimes when I feel I’m getting even the slightest bit better, the memories not bothering me as much, stuff like this comes back to tell me how pointless it is. In short spans I do think about giving up, that I’ve done too much bad to be a good person. I just somehow get mixed up in these anxiety provoking situations with children, I don’t think I want to hurt a child, abuse, manipulate, etc, but all these memories and thoughts make me think otherwise sometime, that I deny what I am, a monster with no chance of living a life of happiness.

I view my future as a similar downfall to some internet influencers who turn into outcasts for doing inappropriate things with minors, something I believe I have done. Another one is when I was in a relationship with someone who was 17 and I was 19, what we did I am not proud of in the slightest and do regret. But for this latest one I've remembered, it feels far less forgivable. Should mention the things I'm focusing on now that happened in a public space with specific bans on explicit sexual behavior. I won't excuse it based on that, because the fact is, I was an adult then (18) I should've been apprehensive to even imply this kind of stuff even if it was in the rules that implications of s*x are fine if not detailed explicitly. I can't tell if I'm overreacting or overexaggerating, I feel like everything I've done relating to this mental condition is the worst thing a person can do.