relationships and ocd

@B56 thank you so much. I try to do the same. I definitely used to rely on him way more than I do now. I have learned to become stronger and more self-sufficient when it comes to my OCD. It’s just weird because when we’re going through good times I start to feel like something is off or wrong and then I feel like I need to confess again. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I have to but out of habit, I end up doing so. I guess what I’m trying to ask is how do you refrain from relying on him when you feel bothered or uneasy? Because I can only reassure myself so much and sometimes it isn’t enough and even when it is , those thoughts still stay in my head or the thought that I went through it . and they just don’t allow me to be fully present and fully loving with him. A lot of the time I always feel like there’s something off between us when there really is nothing wrong and I feel like I dissociate a lot and numb my own anxiety so when it gets to the time of day when we’re gonna see each other, I almost feel like this eerie feeling that something is wrong or I did something wrong. idk it’s just exhausting bc i love him and i want to enjoy and intake our relationship fully but it’s almost impossible

@icg23 I resonate with this 100%, it was so hard to not seek reassurance from him but in therapy I’ve learned that when you seek reassurance or want to confess that is your ocd trying to keep you in the loop. It was so challenging for the past 2 years not to do it because oh boy did I confess every second I got about every detail of my life but now I notice the thought and let it be there without any judgment and do the opposite of what ocd wants me to do. So, whenever I feel like I need to confess I simply don’t and eventually the thought subsides. And I completely know how you feel when you have a good time with him and then something feels off because I’ve been through that exact situation where my ocd wants me to feel unhappy or guilty or do any compulsions. This is what helped me put things into perspective, do you want to feel this way forever, or do you want to have a loving relationship with your partner? Asking yourself that and then choosing not to engage in any compulsions (confessing or reassurance seeking) will ultimately break that cycle. You want to be in a loving relationship where both you and your partner are happy, so ask yourself if what you are doing is adding value to you and your partner or is it decreasing it? I sit with the feelings of discomfort and guilt and all the feelings of ocd, and I also write in my journal so I’m not so burdensome to partner but trust me I’ve been in the exact same situation, and sometimes I rely on him way too much for my happiness but you and I both got this and always striving towards your values is what will help :)

@icg23 Always remember: ocd isn’t you, and to choose your hard because everything is hard: not confessing, not seeking reassurance, or relying on him is HARD but so is staying in the constant cycle of OCD so id say choose your hard and ultimately over time ocd will loosen its grip over you!!

@B56 thank you so much. this makes me feel understood. i will try to keep these things in mind.

@B56 I really like how you brought up if I want to feel this way forever and to choose my hard. It really does put things in perspective. If you don’t mind me asking you one more thing, what do you do to not feel like you are hiding things from your partner or living a double life that they don’t know about? Because my boyfriend and I tell each other just about everything and we’re very open so to be keeping things to myself to not engage in compulsions makes me feel like I’m keeping secrets or he doesn’t know me fully and truly or like I’m not ok deep down but he doesn’t know that so he just thinks I’m really happy even though in the inside I’m really struggling. He knows I go through these things on a daily, but sometimes he just forgets because I seem fine or we’re going through a good times and trust me, i want him to be happy and to not constantly think about this . but what do you do to not feel that way?

@icg23 Can I ask if this is related to your relationship or something else that you want to confess?

@B56 it’s mainly related to my relationship, but at times it’s about others and their relationships but I only feel the need to confess towards my own relationship 

@icg23 Does it give you relief when you confess? When you confess are you telling him feelings or actions you’ve done or etc? Maybe something specific so I can understand a bit more if not no worries I understand privacy is important!

@B56 i usually tell him like what my thoughts are or like certain ways i reassure myself. and i try so hard to explain myself and that he knows it’s not on purpose or anything i actually want

@B56 it does bring me relief in the moment but then sometimes it turns into more bc he feels hurt or uncomfortable with what i say sometimes so at times i regret saying anything

@icg23 Well from the looks of it I don’t think it’s relevant to your relationship, and I personally don’t tell my partner every thought i have because I don’t think he needs to know every single detail of my thoughts. Thoughts are thoughts and doesn’t mean anything about you, so I think you confessing and seeking reassurance may be hurtful for him too so maybe think about him in these situations?

@B56 The only reason I feel like it’s relevant to my relationship is because of the nature of the thoughts. They’re very intrusive and disturbing at times. And if I don’t tell him I feel like a liar or a cheater or if I’m not ok in the inside and I’m just pretending to be really happy then I feel like I’ll never be truly happy with him. But you’re right I do try to think about him because I don’t want to hurt him more than this already has.

@icg23 Hm yeah it’s definitely hard because I’ve had intrusive thoughts where I thought I did something in my relationship and don’t remember which is called false memory ocd. I try to accept it, and just use response messages like “ok yeah maybe I did do this, maybe I didn’t I won’t know for certain” and I just sit with the guilt and I do not confess because I know my thoughts are simply just thoughts and that doesn’t mean I want them nor should I confess to my partner because I am not my thoughts at all. And it’s so normal to get weird thoughts or have attraction thoughts to others but that doesn’t mean it’s you, so I would say keep loving your partner and just take it day by day

@B56 I tried through NOCD but it doesn’t take my insurance, so I am thinking of changing it, so I can take treatment through here. I’ve gone to therapy, but it was mostly general talk, so it didn’t really help