dealing with a really unusual theme right now

trigger warning bc just in case somebody else has the same theme i don't wanna bother them. I'm having a theme I've never heard of before. I'm neurodivergent other than the OCD so I've had special interests all my life. i switch around which one is the most prominent, but right now I'm very focused on a long term one I've had since from about ten years ago. I've been struggling with pretty severe depression, and the worst symptom for me is having a lack of motivation and such a loss of interest that I don't enjoy a lot of my interests anymore. i know that deep down i still do, and i want to engage in them, but my brain just doesn't have the happy chemicals for it. it sucks. so what my OCD has latched onto, is the idea that this loss of interest is permanent. my current special interest is a deeply cherished one of mine and i always fall back on it when times are tough. but it's got me horrified that i will lose it forever to the depression and never get it back. I didn't even realize it was happening until it got so bad I spent 24/7 ruminating unable to eat or sleep and had to be taken to the hospital because i kept having panic attacks back to back so severe they had to do an EKG on me when i was first brought to the ER. they tried everything to calm me down but it wouldn't quit without serious medication. it helped for a bit while they had me on a months supply of the really strong stuff, but it's getting bad again. i spend so much time comparing my level of interest from now to the past to make sure I'm not losing any, and constantly monitor my feelings so i know if they're changing or not. I'm not new to the game, I know compulsions make it worse, so I've been trying my hardest to not engage in them. but when it's so easy it's subconscious, and it's thoughts in your head... a few happen here and there despite my best efforts. and it feels like it WILL happen if you don't do them, or it's already happening and you're warding it off, or... you get the picture. anyway. this has been a total nightmare. i think the core fear here is I'll lose everything i have to my depression, I'll never get back what it took from me, and I'll never feel happy again. my depression has never been successfully treated due to being bipolar, so I'm only just now starting mood stabilizers... but it's taking so long to work I'm losing hope. I've felt too dumb to share this with anyone in my life, or even a doctor. there's no OCD specialists near me so i just tell them my OCD is flaring and I'm too scared to tell them what the theme is. the last time I told a regular therapist about one of my weird themes (over 10 years ago) she mocked me and said "nobody thinks like that." so it's hard to be that vulnerable again thanks for reading, if you did. i feel so alone in this.

Miran16

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I've definitely felt a lot of the things you're describing, where you have such a deep interest in something and it gets you through a lot, and you're worried about losing that love or interest. I hope this doesn't sound dismissive because that's genuinely not my intention, but you've gotten through this for 10 years! That's a long time! That means you know that these things come with their ebbs and flows, and as bad as the lowest of lows get, you've survived them, which means things have improved in slight moments. So for me, when I'm in a downward spiral, I know that it won't last forever because I've gotten through so many before, and I just focus on keeping myself alive until I get to the other side. Because eventually I do feel like myself again and can actually see the good things in life and have the proper insight to make important decisions. So it's okay to not feel like yourself right now, but just keep doing what you're doing and find those things you can hold onto to get through the tough times. And yeah, maybe a day may come where you're not coping and you need serious, serious help. The day that happened to me is what eventually got me to my OCD diagnosis, and I'm so much better off for it. I kind of had to lose everything in order to find my way back to myself. So maybe embracing this despair and fear is exactly what you need to get through this, because you're dealing with a whole lot right now and your reaction is completely normal and sane. I'd be concerned if you didn't feel any of this. Also about therapist ocd stuff, I'm in my mid 20s too, and it took me YEARS to gain the courage to tell a therapist, my current one who I got through NOCD, about the specific obsessive thoughts related to my interests. A lot of them have to do with tv and fandoms and stuff, which for me is super embarassing to talk about with people who don't get it because they say "it's not real" and of course I KNOW it's not real, so it makes me even more ashamed when I have obsessive thoughts around fictional events or characters. But I was finally able to tell my current therapist about at least some of those thoughts (not even close to all of them), and she was very understanding and didn't make me feel weird that I thought if something happened in a tv show that it would happen to me. Because OCD isn't about a specific thing, it's about the pattern of thoughts, and they'll latch onto anything you care about. Since you're on NOCD, do you have a therapist here that you can try to talk to? Or is that not an option?

zombye

Date posted: 2y

oh wow, you've made my day with such a thoughtful response! i wasn't sure anyone would take the time to read this, much less leave a comment. thank you so much! no, no, you don't sound dismissive at all, in fact i feel really seen and validated in what I'm feeling, for maybe the first time in my life. i feel just the same when my symptoms get bad. it's really, really hard for me to keep that insight, especially when I'm in the middle of the darkness, but i hold onto that hope and it gets me through. thank you for reminding me that there's light again, it almost made me forget. haha, that's exactly how i got diagnosed too! I'm happy to say it's never gotten that bad for me again, not since i started doing ERP on myself. I've been doing it for years and it's completely changed my life. I'm able to function in the face of my fears like never before, so even tho I'm at rock bottom right now... that hole is way less deep than it was before, you know? I'm really sorry you deal with the same things as me but... it's so, so comforting to know I'm not alone in this. and that there's therapists out there that may understand. it'll take a long time for me to trust again, but i think I can start risking it again! after all, i do things that scare me every day. unfortunately, NOCD has no therapists that have both a license to treat in my state and that accept my insurance. so I'm a little out of luck there. but I have lots of great coping skills

Lolo220

Date posted: 1y

@zombye Do you take any medication? How are you feeling now?

zombye

Date posted: 1y

@Lolo220 just mood stabilizers and some fast acting anti anxiety meds. I'm much better now, not exactly in remission but not suffering at all.

Lolo220

Date posted: 1y

@Lolo220 Great to hear! Mood stabilizer for bi polar?

zombye

Date posted: 1y

@Lolo220 yep! exactly for that. i guess it's helped the OCD as well

Lolo220

Date posted: 1y

@zombye I'm so glad it's helped!

Miran16

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I'm so happy that my comment could make your day! Your post was at the top of the app when I opened it to check my appointments, so I happened to read it and saw a lot of myself in your message. Felt like I had to respond. Sorry to hear that they don't offer these services in your state yet. As usual, the american healthcare system suuuucks, but there are still good people in it trying their best. I've had a few great therapists and several not great ones, so it just takes time and patience to find the right one(s). Thats awesome that you're able to use ERP on yourself! I agree that it's changed my life since starting it earlier this year, so I'm glad you have that essential resource to go back to. You do seem like a strong, perservering person so I have faith that you'll be able to find the help you need when you're ready. But we'll be here to support you in the meantime :) Take care! ❤️

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond