numbness

Hii, this is my first time posting on here. I’ve been dealing with OCD since I was at least 14, and I didn’t get diagnosed til a few weeks ago, I’m 25 now. I’ve had all types of obsessions. My first big was of getting tapeworms, I became a vegetarian yo avoid em(I’m still one but I don’t fear tapeworms anymore). I thought I had schizophrenia shortly after that, that’s one that comes back here and there. I feared the end of the world, I had a big religious obsession, that lead me to being agnostic And right now I’m dealing with what I think is somatic or existential ocd. This started in early 2021, one night I was in bed watching a movie and I became very aware of myself. I looked up derealization, cause what I thought it was, and I spent the next couple months checking myself and my surroundings to see if that’s what I was experiencing. It was a very miserable time for me, but luckily it ended, I don’t remember exactly when. I was fine for most of last year, but then a toward the end of year I went driving at night with my mom and sister. I saw a tweet online about how some ppl disassociate while driving and I got scared that would happen to me. It was dark and there were lots of cars and lights, I couldn’t shake the thought. Now I’m here, still not to able to. The few times I’m able to I feel fine. But as I realize I haven’t been thinking about it it comes back. I got on lexapro shortly after cause I figured it might help but I can’t tell if it is. My anxiety is reduced but yeah. I’m so scared I won’t feel like I did before. Like I know I’m not losing my mind but it’s hard not to feel like I am sometimes. I hope someone can relate to this.

I’ve been feeling extremely depressed because of my existential OCD. Even when i think of recovery and therapy, i feel like “what point is there in going back to how it was, or finding joy in things” there are moments when I do get happy and in those moments a thought pops up like “what even is anything” “what is existence” or “is death even real” and i’m also getting intrusive thoughts regarding my own consciousness which also gets very weird. All of this is accompanied by dissociation and apocalyptic feelings. It’s been 2 months since my ocd relapse. I have gotten better but when i acknowledge my progress, once again i feel like there’s no point. these thoughts/ feelings don’t feel like OCD but as if i’ve discovered some truth of life and now nothing will be the same. I haven’t started ERP yet, my therapist and i are currently more focused on ACT, acceptance and commitment (which is often given along side ERP) I will start ERP soon but i think all i’ll be focusing on is how dumb it is, and i know it’s not but it feels like i’m convinced it isn’t gonna work. I know this is classic OCD but it feels like this. I also deal with hyperawareness ocd (thinking about thinking taking place) and it makes me feel like there’s somebody in my head when, it’s quite literally my own inner voice that i’m sort of producing (?) I feel like it wouldn’t let me focus during erp and it all just feels so hopeless. I’m a minor and my parents are against medication and they talk about it like it’s the worst thing in the world which has heightened my fear of meds. I’m so sad and done with all this

i was “diagnosed” with OCD less than a year ago. the reason i use quotation marks is because my psychiatrist isn’t very thorough, although i’ve only ever had one psychiatrist so maybe this is the norm. essentially, i went in to tell him i’d been struggling with intrusive thoughts, and he just said “that sounds like OCD” and wrote me a prescription for medication to treat it. when i went in to talk to him about it, i’d already had the suspicion i’d been dealing with OCD after learning about it in my college psych 101 class. ever since i was 8 years old, i’ve had awful intrusive thoughts regarding my faith, and i’d combat them through repeating prayers or little sayings over and over again in my head. i’ve been doing this for over ten years now. i have other intrusive thoughts and related compulsions (if i really have OCD) , too, but that’s the bulk of it. here’s the reason i’m writing this, though: the medications i’ve been taking haven’t helped much, so i think i need therapy, but therapy makes me nervous. i’ve been taking anti anxiety medication for roughly 5 years, so when i told my psychiatrist i was dealing with intrusive thoughts, he was really surprised because the medication i was on is used to treat OCD all the time. he’s tried a couple different changes to my medication, but none have worked, which leads me to believe i might need therapy to bridge the gap. therapy terrifies me, though, because i have this sinking feeling that if i seek out therapy, my therapist will discover i’ve been lying about my symptoms without me even knowing that i’ve been lying, if that makes any sense. i’m sorry this is so long. i guess i’m looking for some encouragement.