adolescent's vent. i need support?

I just want to vent and talk about my experiences because its hard to cope every day feeling like this. its so painful especially because i am 17 and my obsessions center on time and aging and the feeling of loss. i really hope someone older than me with experience with ocd can read this and comment or something but it is insanely long so i get it Truly I think i began to struggle with these things at 10 years old because thats when i first began to feel old and that became a constant worry of mine. 14 is another age when it peaked and now once again. at age 16 i kind of overworked myself and blanked out for the year and would even hit myself until bruising to cope with the stress and thats why turning 17 ten weeks ago really triggered it to get so much worse again. Since last year I barely recall I feel sickened. Ive been in therapy for five weeks and two days now and it hasnt really improved. I havent been officially diagnosed but she tells me I have strong symptoms of ocd. Its really debilitating i can barely get through school days and even while im at home it hurts so bad. even writing this the thought that this post will one day, one minute sink into a part of my past makes me feel really really horrible. I think before i used to cope with these feelings by food restriction, fasting, and purging. Part of the reason i blamed for feeling so old is because i was big so I really wanted to be small and not fat and ashamed but that led me to a spiral of like having a full blown eating disorder. i really regret that because my years 12-14 were largely a blur as thats when my eating disorder was the worst and so much time was devoted towards it. and now that im actually older and dealing with these feelings of being just before adulthood i feel like i lost so much time. and that really just exacerbates the obsession. No matter what i do i cant even distract myself. my compulsions (usually its counting down days or counting days/weeks from a certain day/event and giving myself how much time i have left) they dont give me any relief anymore, not even momentarily. they used to but since these days that i recall and count from i was having these same feelings and distress it just brings the feelings back and gives me an even bigger sense of loss. I cant enjoy anything anymore and one day i broke down in the morning and i was praying(im not even really religiouss) for god to either kill me or wake me up. that was still this month but only the very beginning. idk everything just feels like it isnt real and it just scares me so much. i keep crying during class and i even feel such horrible loss from even just a few hours ago. My one friend from school relates in some ways, he also feels like its a struggle to understand that things are real and are actually going forward especially because of the covid year, but idk he has adhd and that might play a role in it for him. Idk i just wish i got help earlier. like when i was 14 it was really bad and it was related to age and other stuff but in a different way than now. Any way it just is so hard to live and if things continue how they are ill be an adult before i realise it. im trying so hard to get better but its so difficult. Like other than being the only thing i think of its also impacting how i view others and i feel nasty. Like ill see people in their twenties and i find them so disgustingly old even though rationally theyre young but if i convince myself theyre old sometimes ill feel younger. I also feel so guilty because i feel like the faster i take in life the faster i make other people experience life and i feel like im throwing away other peoples youth. I also get occasionally delusional over time. like in july, i jokingly prayed to "tell on god" about one of my classmates, because shes christian and practicing but in class she drew demon sigils with me as a joke. but i thought oh this is a really short prayer and i prayed to god about another thing, asking him to take down the internet once im ready (which would be when i was 20 in my head) and then the next day i saw a video about how space showers might shut down the internet in the future and i got so anxious that it was all my fault and i almost started telling people that it would happen in 2026. I feel so insane and like im living in a limbo, that everything is fake and time hasnt passed a second in the past 5 years, but it has and it continues too and i cant stop thinking about it no matter how much i try to accept it or use these techniques im given. Even if i dont get actually diagnosed with OCD at my appointments, it wont change the distress and hopelessness i feel and im so scared. The more time that passes to more i feel like i lose something. I barely look different from how i did a year or even three years ago, besides my hair length, but i tell myself i can feel myself aging by the second and i even feel like i look horribly older than i really do. honestly im sorry this is so long, i just wanted to vent it all out. this certainly isnt even everything though, but its hard to even acknowledge some of it. i want relief but as it stands with these feelings i dont know if i want to experience the future where i might find the relief. Anyways its already a little bit nice to type here because on crisis lines or with my school counselor, they dont really acknowledge OCD and that may be what i am struggling with. they also just give me like worksheets of anxiety help and stuff which idk they hardly ever help.

Ifiknewthen

Date posted: 2y

Did you ever have any trauma? And hows your relationship with your parents?

pronut

Date posted: 2y

@jhbishop80@gmail.com i dont really know if i have any trauma, the closest may be when i was 11 on twitter which i shouldnt have been on there, some guy like in his later teens was talking to me kind of inappropriately and that really made me feel bad. and then when i was 10-11 my parents had a big fight and my mom left us for a while and wouldnt answer my brother and I. they had fought a lot before that too. Currently though i have a good relationship with my parents. they want me to feel better, but they don't understand my feelings so sometimes they stress me worse.

Ifiknewthen

Date posted: 2y

@pronut - Im 43 and have had severe ocd since far back as i can remember like 1st grade. Nobody knew shit about ocd back then. And quite frankly, only ocd specialized therapists truly understand it. You have to really really really follow erp therapy in accordance with your therapists. Dont expect erp therapy to make you feel better after a feel weeks. Its a long process. When i first went to an ocd therapist i didnt have a clue what the dude was talking about. BUT, he what he was telling me to do was correct. I was 37 when i first sat down with an ocd trained therapist. If i could go back to 17 knowing what i know now about my ocd id be on top of the world. You need to tell your parents to get you with the best ocd therapist they can afford.

pronut

Date posted: 2y

@jhbishop80@gmail.com okay thank yo for the advice.

Ifiknewthen

Date posted: 2y

@pronut - If others are like me, i would say most ocd sufferers have a primary obsession and compulsion. Thats what you need to figure out and completely stop the compulsion. Ocd sufferers who have never entered therapy usually dont know what their obsessions and compulsions are until they are told, like me.

Gmoki

Date posted: 23w

I need advice :( vent post/does anyone relate?

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

moon0270

Date posted: 22w

Kinda embarrassed but want to share

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 11w

Just venting....

Hi. I'm just sort of feeling kind of shitty and in moments like these I tend to swing to one extreme or the other, like methodicially and intensely trying to pull apart every piece of what I am feeling and why, determine what is a "real" problem and what is just a bad mood, and take action to "fix" myself, the problem, or ensure that future me will fix it by setting reminders, planning, or just generally freaking out lol. That can all be a bit compulsive, but I don't want to do my other thing, which is just aggressively ignore or try to deny my feelings because they are "not real" or I just need to "let them go". But I'm feeling a little frozen in my fears so I am hoping de-tangling it a bit in words here will be a good middle ground. I'm about to be a senior in college, and I live in the city where my school is. I haven't seen my family for a bit and I am currently spending a weekend with them at the beach. Today was just kind of rough and has made the past, present, and future collide in my head, fanning fears of both external problems and the fear of fear itself, the fear of OCD spirals. I want to more specically describe the problems I have been having since starting college, but I guess for getting through today that isn't really the point. I guess just....I've been trying to create a life for myself and become someone who is strong enough to live it. I have ADHD and OCD and sometimes it just feels like half my energy goes to functioning through that, and the other half goes to resisting the OCD-urge to spiral about the future, to fear I'll let my life fall apart or won't be able to fix the normal, big and small problems life brings. Today has just felt.....hard. I ate something that made me really sick last night, and I didn't take my normal dose of Adderall today or yesterday which can just make me sort of sleepy. On both phsyical counts, I think I'm fine and don't really feel bad anymore, it just sort of triggered some overthinking. I feel scared that feeling kind of tired has/will effect my ability to enjoy what is supposed to be a relaxing time, or that I won't' have as much energy as I should to do things with my family and will disspoint them. I'm scared that the journey back to the city tomorrow will be chaotic and awful, and that when I return I will continue to make mistakes that put me in negative cycles. Strangely, I'm kind of aware that all of these concerns are either possibly not going to happen, or are just things I definetely cannot do anything about right now. I'm just sort of...frustrated that I can't easily shove away worries I know to be "illogical" and deeply afraid of spiraling deeper. All of these different things overlapping right now just sort of make me feel like I've failed. Failed to.....I don't know, resist compulsions and get over them faster, accomplish things in life and school faster/more, be less socially anxious. Failed to get on the right track, to make any kind of progress. Strangely, a lot of the discomfort I'm feeling in this moment indirectly sort of comes from things I am doing "right", to break cycles. I didn't bring my meds because I want to work on the discomfort I feel with spending time without the goal of productivity, I don't have an exact plan for everything I need to do and I have not psyched myself up to tackled my most urgent goals when I get home because I've also been working on finding ways of doing uncomfortable things that don't involve motivating myself through terror when I can't do anything about it. I'm letting myself take time to cry about all these feelings and write this out here because I don't want to deny myself what I need to get better because I feel like I shouldn't need it. I'm hoping, in a way, even the shitty day I've had today is a sign of progress, my OCD desperately seeking a host in fear of fear because I am beating other compulsions. I think there's also something to be said for the unserious but still powerful issue of just fucking being on vacation with your extended family. Like....its hard to take a moment to cry it out or calm yourself down when you're sharing a bedroom with your mom and sister. I'm feeling glad I'm going home tomorrow, scared of how I might feel when I do, and I guess....fearful of what it means that I wasn't "able" to enjoy myself for the whole time I was here. But those feelings do feel much more distant, after writing this. The time will pass and I will go home regardless. When I get home, maybe I will make "better" choices or be "stronger", maybe I will dig a deep hole for myself. Either way, that's not my burden right now or today. I've tried that method and it didn't get me what I want.

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