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What do I do in the meantime? It's torturous. I can't focus on anything but my sensations

@Anonymous So I used to have harm ocd where I would have homicidal thoughts that I didn’t want and I would take my arms and hold them down with my body because it was so much for me. I also had my dad and he knew everything I was going through. so anytime I had those thoughts he would reassure me. This was way back before I knew I had ocd. It really is hard and if you don’t have that support that I had I’m always here. If you want my number or anything I gotchu. I’ve been there and it’s been a long time since I have so sometimes it’s hard to remember it but I do know how bad it was. I know that it’s less likely for people with ocd to actually commit any harm. I feel like we’re so in our heads about it that we don’t actually act on the thoughts

@Rachel2727 Could I tell you what intrusive thought I'm experienced along with the sensations?

@Anonymous Yes, trust me I’ve had a lot of messed up thoughts

@Rachel2727 So, this is probably SUPER unique to me, but around two months ago. I had an intrusive thought while speaking to an online friend of mine that I wanted to unfriend them and it sent a sensation or urge to my index finger and it freaked me the hell out because it made me feel like I wanted to act on that thought even though it was the last thing I wanted. I've been struggling with these thoughts and sensation for over two months now and it's crippled me, I hate it so much, I don't want to lose them because of my OCD

@Rachel2727 Is this too taboo? I'm sorry

@Anonymous i’ve had this happen to me too!! it’s soo overwhelming and i end up just curling into a ball on the floor. u are not alone in this and i’m always here if u need someone to talk to :) also sorry for randomly popping into the convo lol

@tiffanylol Please don't apologize, you've given me so much comfort, but how did you cope through this?

@Anonymous It’s not too taboo at all. Like I said I had sensations of homicide even though I didn’t wanna act on it. It’s not something you wanna do at all. It’s ocd convincing you and it can do that. It had convinced me that I’m a pedo even though I’m not. It had convinced me that I’m a narcissist even though I’ve had a couple people even my therapist say I’m not

@Rachel2727 Oh thank you, thank you, I thought I was going insane! How do you recommend that I handle these thoughts? The sensations feel like they're killing me

@Anonymous So I’m going off a whim because I still haven’t handle my issues but my thing is remember that ocd is the opposite of you. You don’t wanna unfriend your friend but your ocd will make you think otherwise.

@Rachel2727 I guess what makes it worse is that I end up using a lot of avoidance from my usual routine as to keep me "safe" from potentionally acting on that thought, so I lay in bed all day which leads me to either ruminating or trying desperately to distract myself from the sensation or thoughts

@Anonymous I do the same with avoidance but I know it makes it worse. It’s really hard and I’m sorry you’re going through it

@Rachel2727 It really is, anytime I try getting back to my routine, my brain SCREAMS at me. It's awful, it feels like it's about to explode

@Anonymous I’m here if you need to talk

@Rachel2727 Does it ever get easier or go away? The sensations? I think I've been doing exposure with my finger like holding it over my phone even though it's incredibly uncomfortable for me due to the sensations and it tends to work

@Anonymous It does get easier. I don’t really have sensations much

@Rachel2727 How?

@Anonymous I honestly don’t know. I just kept holding my hands in between my legs and I also had my dad. Then one day I didn’t feel it anymore

@Rachel2727 So, you just went on with your day as normal?

@Anonymous No there was a lot of crying and breakdowns. Music also helped!

@Rachel2727 Same

@tiffanylol Hello again! I'd still like to know how you coped through these similar thoughts and what thoughts you were experiencing if you don't mind!

@Anonymous i did! in the moment i just stepped away from what i was doing and sat down until the thoughts settled down. i didn’t cope very well the first time because i didn’t understand what was happening. i’m still not sure what causes it, but i think it has to do with an overwhelming amount of intrusive thoughts that could cause overstimulation or something. whatever it is though, it isn’t u! ocd has many tricks up its sleeve

@tiffanylol Hello! I was wondering if you'd be able to chat!

@tiffanylol Did you also get the finger sensation and what were some compulsions you had if you don't mind me asking

@Anonymous sorry for my late response lol. so the thoughts kept telling me that i was going to say a slur right in that moment. they kept saying slurs and horrible things, and i felt a tingly sensation on my tongue and physically couldn’t speak even if someone spoke to me. of course i ended up not saying anything and it was all just the ocd, but it’s very important in the moment to attempt to ignore the thoughts and take a breather

@Anonymous sure i can chat!

@Anonymous i didn’t get the finger one personally but i get what u mean with it, i think the sensation really depends on the ocd and intrusive thoughts

@tiffanylol Wow! I didn't even know that your tongue could have a tingly sensation! It's honestly been awful for me these past two months, back when I first started to relapse, I attempted to get my life back together and it was slowly and surely working until one of my online friends triggered me by venting and making the thoughts 100% worse, because of the stress of the situation, after that, I fell back into the depths of relapse and have been making slow or no progress at all. It's exhausting

@tiffanylol I've gotten it before with a previous intrusive thought! I managed it, but I guess since this intrusive thought is more focused on something I care deeply for, I can't seeming manage it as well

@tiffanylol I've desperately wanted to return to my routine of drawing, playing with my friends, but I've crippled myself to my bed out of fear that if I do anything. It'll confirm the thoughts or that I'll eventually act on it, it's torturous

@Anonymous i’m really sorry :( i’ve experienced the same thing and it makes recovery after relapse so much harder. u got this though! slow and steady

@Anonymous i 100% get what you mean. those intrusive thoughts are really sticky and make the ocd so much more believable

@Anonymous okay, here’s what i think you should do. i think you should take it slow, maybe doodle on a piece of paper. this will probably trigger the ocd. don’t engage with it, don’t even dwell on it in your mind. it’s SO hard, i understand. but it will work if you stick to it. the gross, horrible feeling only lasts so long. it lasts longer if you feed into it. maybe do this a once or twice for the next few days, and then start playing a few games with your friends for an hour or so. go at ur own pace! maybe just shake your head when the ocd flares up and say “not today ocd” or just ignore it completely. being inside your mind can make it seem a lot worse. for example, being inside a room makes the room look different (larger, more detailed,) compared to being outside the room. it’s about the pov, and coming from an outsiders pov, this is all ocd manipulation. you doing the things you love will NOT confirm the thoughts nor will you act on anything. i know it’s so hard to believe but please trust me ❤️

@tiffanylol Thank you so much, I currently lack the ability of therapy, and this information has given me so much more hope than any other comment I've seen. I guess what's been difficult for me has been that I quite can't literally get out of my head, I ruminate almost 24/7 now and it's exhausting

@Anonymous i get that! it’s such a dark and horrible place to be mentally. if you try to draw and especially hang out with friends i think it could really help pull you out of this space

Do you recommend I try returning to the things I used to do?

@Anonymous What did you use to do ?

@Rachel2727 I used to go on a morning walk, then rest for a moment, before drawing four hours and eventually I'd play video games with my friends

@Anonymous Does it help you ?

@Rachel2727 Yes, I used to enjoy it a lot until my OCD got involved

@Anonymous Then keep doing it, if it gets too much. Come to the app or talk to your friends!

@Rachel2727 But I haven't done all that stuff in almost two months! I'm worried

@Rachel2727 Or if you wanna take nap that’s okay !

@Anonymous Baby steps, do one thing at a time

@Rachel2727 But what if I get worse or I end up acting on the thought or the sensation gets worse and makes me do it?

@Anonymous It won’t. That’s ocd making you think you will but you won’t. I haven’t acted on any of my thoughts. It’s against who you are

@Rachel2727 But it feels so real, I'm scared

@Anonymous So put this into perspective right. So I have pedophilia ocd. How many pedos actually over think about doing it ? They don’t, they just go out and do it. If I honestly wanted to do it I would’ve done it years ago and I still (even without the anxiety) wouldn’t be scared of it but I was. It’s not much of a problem now but that’s because my ocd switched to a different theme

@Anonymous I def understand about it feeling so real I’ve been there multiple times

@Rachel2727 Oh wow, that actually changes a lot

@Rachel2727 Wowie, this is hard to battle

@Anonymous It really is because even though I gave you the advice a couple months ago I still wouldn’t have believed the advice I gave you. But that’s what ocd does. It makes you doubt

@Rachel2727 The doubting disorder feels like deaths door's sometimes

@Rachel2727 Thank you so much for this, all of your advice and experience, I'll try my hardest to get better

@Anonymous You got this and remember if it gets hard it’s okay to ask for help !

I have my online friends who have been informed of the situation and are incredibly supportable and try their best to help me when I'm feeling rock bottom, I tried getting an appointment here or a therapist, but unfortunately my insurance wasn't taken and it was too expensive for us. I have one on one therapy with a counselor, but even she suggested to me finding a OCD specialist as she assumed I had OCD, but couldn't help much further as she's not specialized in that field

@Anonymous It’s good to have people who support you ! Lean on them. They will help!

@Rachel2727 And keep looking around for therapist. It’s gonna get better

@Rachel2727 Thats so hard given my current situation, but I'll do my best, thank you!