ocd killing me

Gonna ramble a bit here. My OCD thoughts started a month ago during intimate time.. randomly thought of parents, googled and obsessed which caused me to find other themes, thought of everyone naked for a while. Thought of slurs and it devastated me as my bf is black and that's not me at all. I try to love everyone. I even started seeing letters in a cheetah pillow we have that in my ocd mind spelled out a slur among other normal words and that sounds so crazy. I thought of boyfriend one day in a sexual way and a kid from work popped into mind and now worried to be intimate cause I'll think of their name or other people's names as I think of it through the day since it bothered me so bad. I'm worried to think of friends and family and then think of sex. We've been together 3 years but have known each other for about 18 and have had lots of ups and downs during the relationship related to my mental health and just communicating/stress but never these thoughts. We talked about it being more stress than happy sometimes but we love each other so much and always made it work. Now I think sexual thoughts or mean thoughts about almost everyone. Lexapro 10mg is helping anxiety but I do find hard to watch stuff or listen to music sometimes, questioning who I used to be and worried about religion suddenly since asking an old pastor for prayer with MH and he basically saying if I'm living in sin repent. We used to be very sexual but I still had my faith and wasn't bothered. Was intimate for first time in a month today. Had thoughts and some things I read on here stuck in my head but I pushed through. I get thoughts that he's a stranger sometimes or that I don't find him attractive when I've never thought this before. I've always been anxious but not like this. Was able to live and not have these kinds of thoughts if anything was scared he would leave me. Just want my old brain back. Thoughts are all over the place don't want to think of others in thst way or think of names of family, friends kids or think of people in a sexual or mean way. Just want to live. I can't even smoke cannabis anymore as I get paranoid and I smoked daily for years. I tried to smoke one day and I was flirting with him and he mentioned his dad and an issue he was having which caused me to think of his dad which I don't wanna think of in that way. So now I just refuse to smoke as I'm worried I'll think weird stuff. I know they're not me I just wanna go back to stuff I enjoy and loving him and not thinking these things. I feel like I'm me but not me at the same time. I don't even know who I am sometimes. I feel like I'm boring or no personality. I don't want to lose him I know these thoughts are lies as I love having him by my side and anybody I'm with I would have these thoughts about. I would be devastated if I lost him and hate that I have these feelings after 3 years. I start 20mg tomorrow. I can't afford therapy. He knows all my thoughts and continues to love me, I just know I can't continue dumping this on him.

bookworm3

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Just remember your thoughts are thoughts that you DONT want, so they are intrusive. It is not you, and the thoughts are not real. They do not reflect who you are as a person. I struggle with POCD thoughts, and it has been hell on Earth. But reminding myself of this has helped.

dazedandconf...

Date posted: 1y

Thank you, it is hard to remember that sometimes since I've never had these before. Sometimes our relationship feels like a blur due to the ups and downs and us moving recently (plus we did smoke a lot but I was still always fine no thoughts). But even with the ups and downs he really is an amazing person and has helped me through so much. That's why I hate these thoughts I know I'd be devastated if I lost him even if I have rocd about what if I was single or his looks when all I've wanted this whole time is him. We even broke up for several months in 2021 and I was absolutely broken. I almost moved on but in the end it was him I wanted. And I want it to always be. I def have some growing to do on my end, I need to listen more and not take things personally when I know how he talks. I just miss the old us even if it wasn't perfect I wasn't thinking these things. I'm worried that won't happen. I had an okay night with not too many thoughts and I go through moments of clarity but I always wake up anxious and immediately think of all my intrusive thoughts I've thought of the past month first thing. They don't stick constant throughout the day but come and go.

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

A couple questions about rocd

I hate myself a lot and don’t understand. I do so well for a few days then spiral and feel so awful bc it feels true. The BIGGEST and WORST trigger and theme has been my brother old friend ish who I had a crush on yrs ago. Since my ocd returned once I got in a relationship (after many yrs of being hidden) this theme is the most brutal. For some background I had a crush on my current boyfriend last year in February til May and we were friends then we started talking officially in end of May then dating in 2 week of June. I was obsessed w him 100%. The one time I even saw this old crush and the mall and my 1 friend and I followed him bc like old crush yk and I literally like stopped caring like idk how to explain it bc it was a while ago, but it didn’t matter to me. I eventually walked away and then later used that as an excuse to talk to my biggest crush (my current bf). Since we began dating, my ocd has been brutal. My little brother mentioned the old crush the one day saying “you still love him ur lying to urself rn by being w ur bf” and then it sent my mind on its first loop ab that guy. Since then, it’ll return getting worse and worse. (Sometimes I actually don’t care and it won’t feel as tru and ik it’s fake, but others it’s terrible) I hate it. And I feel so awful like I needa check to make sure I don’t like him. Yet logically why would I check my feelings. Ik I love my man bc everything ab him I love and he’s my comfort and best friend. But I get so stuck up in the confusion of all the thoughts ab this other guy and all I have wanted for the 10 months I’ve been dating my man is to go back to normal. Back to myself. The one who was head over heels obsessed w my man and completely forgetting ab the other ppl. But my brain says I can’t bc a part of me will always want the other guy or some other lame bs excuse and it hurts me so much and my man sometimes too. I’m considering medication but will it truly work? Will it make my thoughts go away? I hate how real/ true they feel I feel like a cheater or like I am lying to my man. I feel like rn when I say I love him, that I’m a liar😖for the past 3 days I was better. I gave it up and let God help me, but last night into today I’m lost. Are we sure ocd attacks wuts most important to us? Bc why is it so persistent and evil

Anonymous

Date posted: 14w

Rocd torture

So I relapse bad 1 time a week now at least and it’s awful. I was ok til I wasn’t this week again. Monday I was crying bc I wanted to be me again and I found tactics to stop my thoughts. I’d be like “well the real me before these thoughts wouldn’t think that” and I’d be ok. But then today I was at school bouta leave and was doing so well. A guy drove by in a pick up and had wut looked like a tan face w rosey cheeks. I had some mini thoughts but I let em pass over until another one came in and I engaged My brain was then like: “oh he has the cute rosey cheeks and tan skin you’d want him coming up to you and flirting bc you want those guys liking you” and it felt rlly real and then saw bro get outs his car and realized he was short and kinda ugly, my mind was then like “it doesn’t bother u now tho bc he’s uglier and shorter than you thought. I bet hair he’s wut you pictured him as you would still rlly want him.” Then I felt awful and then 0.2 seconds later I realized I love my man and wouldn’t want any guy coming up to me. So I tried to chill and let it sit, but then it persisted bc I’m awful. Then I tried to be like “old me would’ve wanted that anyways, but it was like “ye but rn you was kinda real you and felt like it was true. Then I got home and was like old me would’ve never. Then my brain said “I bet if he woulda appeared last yr when you had a huge crush on ur man before u were officially together you woulda talked to jk m in class and found him cute and started crushing for him over ur man” th en my brain like vividly imagined it and it felt true I hate it and then ad the day went on it felt more and more like id want that guy, and it says bc I think he’s cuter then my man bc this guy had the rosy cheeks and tan face. I feel so awful bc even now (many hours later) I feel awful bc my man gets down thinking he’s not enough and wants me to just love him fully but I do and that’s all I want. And I feel awful bc my brain convinces me stuff against him around me are a sign or smth. And u feel terrible he deserves all my love and I love when I can give it all and I wanna cry when it feels there’s someone else there I like or smth. For example it still feels as tho I want the rosy cheeked guy or smth and I’m never gonna find a him and be upset forever. I hate it. I wanna be repulsed by all men that aren’t my man. Why’d it feel true I don’t want it to. And I hate that sometimes I’m unable to decipher if I even want it or not. It’s the worst cycle ever I hate it. How to I fix is it really ocd do I really care ab my man how even can I if I feel like this so often. He even said “sometimes I wonder maybe I’m not the right person or smth. Like if you were with that person maybe this wouldn’t happen” yet no I can’t I love my man😞 pls help Aldo does medication work i wanna get on it to get better

Anonymous

Date posted: 10w

Rocd help please

Ok so this all could be for reassurance but I’m rlly upset en and need help. So to preface, I had ocd when I was younger her and when I started dating my current bf it suddenly returned but ig I didn’t realize it was rocd bc I never knew it could present itself in this way. All I knew was “go away I just wanna love my bf and stop liking other guys” when my brain would get me so confused. A couple weeks ago I started on Luvox and I thought it was rlly working bc I also started seeing an ocd specialist and she gave great tips on exposures and the Medication in conjunction w that jus felt like it finally make me myself again. However, yesterday I had some gwneral intrusive thoughts in the morning and right before that, I was on top of the world so happy bc I was myself again. When the thoughts came I was like ew oh whatever. UNTIL my brain was like nagging me and making me feel guilty for having those thoughts. So I dove into em making sure they weren’t true etc. bc that never fixes anything it kept progressively getting worse and I forgot my exposures in those moments bc I just wanted to make sure I loved my man and didn’t do smth against him. Towards the later day, I was swimming w my siblings and my bf and the whole time I had a blast bc he’s the best, but I had nagging thoughts and feelings saying some guy from my new job is similar looking but slightly better looking and he’s the one guy I’ll leave my bf for. And it’s been saying that and variations of it from over 24 hrs now and I feel so awful. I feel guilty and to make things worse. Last night bc I spiraled/ relapsed so hard my thoughts also said I wanna leave my bf bc I no longer love him and I miss those old feelings but I can’t jus forget how awful I am as a gf to him bc my thoughts and ocd feelings. I feel terrible and I jus wanna be fixed😓I don’t wanna like that guy my man is my bsf and so cute and handsome and perfect. Why am I still “confused” if I don’t wanna be etc. my therapist said to go toward my goals and Values and not let ocd stop me from it, but I feel as if I can’t til I make sure I don’t like the other person or wanna but all I want is to be me but I feel like a liar 😞

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ocd killing me

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