spiraling

@Brendan =] this is my first time experiencing this obsession & it is so so so so so strong trying to fight it feels impossible

@Brendan =] i just recently got into a relationship with the sweetest man ever , & my ocd has latched onto him & it makes me so sad

@urmutha Fighting it, using logic, doing compulsions, trying to figure it out, trying to determine if it’s true, trying to stop it, these can all seem like the way to go and can feel like what you need to do in the moment- the only problem is that they actually reinforce the disorder. These things actually feed and perpetuate your OCD and keep it strong. Fighting it is a losing battle and actually sinks you lower. My recommendation is you look into ERP therapy and try to hit this with a therapist. I waited in my relationship (granted, I didn’t know about ROCD) and wound up being out of work from last October to this July practically. This may be hard to hear but this is unlikely to get better without treatment. I’d be thrilled to talk further. =]

@urmutha Do you want to talk about your specific fears and thoughts?

@Brendan =] i know all of those things :( but they are sooo intense it’s devouring . i had an ocd therapist & right before starting treatment i stopped going being i was in a better place mentally & absolutely TERRIFIED to be retriggered . & i didn’t think it would flare again but of course , here we are . worse than any of the other flare ups . sent me to the mental hospital i didn’t know if i could handle myself . i’m working on getting back into therapy . but i was watching a show & the girl had said how she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be with her bf anymore bc it’s not fair to him if she doesn’t love him . & my brain ofc said WhAt If ThAtS HoW YoU FEel & i said oh my god what if that’s how i feel & spirallllllll after that , making me scared to go around him cause i know i’m gonna keep checking to see if i feel anything when i look at him . scared to avoid him cause i care for him ofc & it’s a compulsion . my brain is reviewing memories & checking to see how i feel when he texts . & constantly convincing me back & forth if i like him or not & it is only getting more complicated . & ofc i can’t tell him ab it bc if you don’t have ocd you can’t completely comprehend me correctly .

@Brendan =] this is a fresh new theme for me so i’m pretty sure that’s why it’s so strong as of right now . but i for sure need to follow through with therapy but my brain says & wHaat If U FinIsh TheRaPy & FiND oUt u ACtuAlly JuST dOnt likE hiM or whAt If u SpenD AlL THis tiMe WiTh HiM Just To WasTe IT Bc You DoNt LiKe Him

@Brendan =] my brain is eating me alive .

@Brendan =] how do you run from something that’s a part of you </3

@urmutha Sounds like your worries and mine are a bit similar. Is your worry mostly physical attraction and getting hung up on looks? Sounds like you’re hitting it with rumination and debating and checking. These are my compulsions, too. Seeing if strangers, guests at work, people on TV, do something for me my BF doesn’t. Checking looks, comparing to past interpretations, zooming in on certain features. I have BDD too. It sucks.

@urmutha I just reread your comment and don’t know where I got the looks thing from. 😝 I guess it’s just on my mind. Is it mostly chemistry and connection?

@Brendan =] definitely chemistry & i replay our memories in my head , & he said he wanted to go on a date at this cheesecake place once & i didn’t jump with excitement & i got scared that it meant that i didn’t like him bc i wasn’t exstatic . & that reply’s & replays & causes more thoughts & rumination on “ what if he asks you to get married & you say yes but you don’t really want to but you do anyways & have to live life with him when you don’t even like him “

@Brendan =] it’s like a literal fight in my brain bc i don’t want it to be true so bad i just want to be with him & not have to have these thoughts . & it’s so exhausting

@Brendan =] i also can’t tell my real thoughts from my intrusive thoughts with ANY of my themes , & they just scare me & i have to let them bc i don’t know the difference between what’s considered compulsions & actually whats helping me yk .

@urmutha I hear you. I’m in the same boat and a lot of this I could have written myself. It sucks and is painful and the endless cycle is exhausting. Sometimes I just want to scream or rip my hair out. Logic doesn’t work, telling yourself it’s a disorder is compulsive, the thoughts hook you, the questions are endless- it’s painful and frustrating. Have you heard about and practiced any grounding techniques? Like ACE, 54321, mindfulness, grounding yourself in the present? They’re helpful to me as I work to end rumination, which is a huge compulsion for me. (I work graveyard shift and am going to take a quick shower and start getting ready for bed. I’ll respond in a few after I finish my shower.)

@Brendan =] thank you king ! i don’t have any coping mechanisms or any way of easing any of this . i never got that far in therapy & i was just diagnosed last year . all i know is i just sit in it until it sends me into a panic attack & im forced to take anxiety medication . i also have developed a skin picking disorder with all of this & it’s stressful . it’s been so bad before that i hit myself in the head repeatedly to get the thoughts to stop . but as you know . that didn’t help lmaoo . i would LOVE if you could tell me a few coping skills that you find helpful . i need SOMETHING to try before i get therapy rolling . all i know , which i know mostly everything; ab ocd is all learned from hours upon hours of searching . which brings me to my favorite compulsion … looking things up ! lol smhhhh

@urmutha I relate. I’m sorry to hear you don’t have any coping mechanisms or ways to ease the pain. I’m willing to share a few tips and tricks but it’s no substitute for therapy as I’m not trained or licensed. Do you have discord? =]

@Brendan =] no but i could get it

@urmutha You could. Emailing and texting also work for me if you’re interested. I’d be more than happy to chat more in depth with you if you’re still interested. =]