- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
SOOCD
Hey guys. I wanted to make a post specifically about SOOCD - because I think that in some ways, it can be difficult to deal with because of the nuances of this theme. I think what makes SOOCD so difficult is because these doubts can feel so powerful, so real, that you lose attraction to the gender that you previously preferred. They make your libido go down, your desire for intimacy go down, and your shame and sadness go up. Now, all of these symptoms - loss of attraction due to anxiety, loss of libido - all seem to fuel SOOCD because ocd can easily grab that “evidence” and say “Well the reason that this is happening is because you’re actually gay/straight/bi(insert feared outcome). It can so easily twist what really is- you feeling so down about these doubts - that it feels impossible to think about a connection like that again. I just wanted to write this to all those dealing with SOOCD right now. For me, well, it’s been about two years, on and off. At first I thought it was a legitimate search for my “real” sexuality, before it came all consuming and I was diagnosed with OCD. For me, it’s been really difficult because going so long dealing with SOOCD symptoms made me forget what attraction felt like. And even if I did feel attracted to a man again (to clarify I am a heterosexual woman)- well, my ocd would find some way to question it. I am 20 and have always wanted a relationship. Always wanted to date and find a guy I really connected with. So for me, it was devastating to question myself to this degree. I spent days, weeks, months ruminating, trying to figure it out. It always felt like the answer was right there, just evading me. I would settle on one label, then another, then another. I felt like I couldn’t date unless it was gone. That I might be a fraud, a liar, a bad person, if I didn’t figure out my sexuality. And I think that sometimes it’s worth addressing the pain that ocd can bring. For me, it’s devastating to realize that ocd has kept me from dating and finding someone. I kept trying to date anyways, despite my doubts, hoping to use it as an ERP. But what made it difficult was that the false attraction was so bad that I couldn’t tell what guys I was even attracted to, or not… so I went out on dates with a lot of guys that I wasn’t even attracted to. I went in knowing that it would be difficult to discern this - cause man, that false attraction is insane! So after trying that approach, and realizing that it simply fueled ocd every time I didn’t find a guy attractive, I decided that I would just go about my life doing ERP and if something happened, it happened. In some ways, with SOOCD - I just choose to trust that someone great will come my way, especially when false attraction is making it difficult for me to discern that. The thing is - it’s okay to want security - not certainty - about your sexuality. And that’s something I struggled with here- is thinking, well, now that I have ocd about my sexuality, will I ever be able to be secure in it again? Or will I constantly have to say “I don’t know”, in order to keep the doubts from coming in again? People without ocd don’t go around saying “I am living with the uncertainty of my sexuality right now”. They live with the uncertainty by not addressing the topic, not addressing doubts, and continuing with what they want to do. And what I want to say is - You deserve to feel secure in your sexuality. To say proudly- I know who I am. You don’t have to live in this amorphous gray zone because ocd says so. But in order to be able to be secure - ERP is the only way. You must face the doubts, the fear, because that is the only way to be free to choose what YOU want, not what OCD tells you to do. And coming from someone who has had this theme - SOOCD feels so real. So absolutely real. But I can’t tell you how worthwhile it was for me to do the ERP, and to finally feel secure again, even if it lasted only for a moment. So to anyone dealing with this theme - I’m sorry. It sucks. Especially because honestly, our sexualities are a really important part of the way we relate to people - How we move forward to have meaningful relationships, with the people we want to have them with. And it can feel paralyzing to have these doubts, like you have to resolve them before finding love, or that having them means something at all in the first place. If it helps to think about it like this - we must face the fear to find the love we deserve. Do that ERP, resist resist resist, because on the other side of that - is what you deserve. A chance to find love. And clarity. And security. Because you, as a human, are inherently worthy of these things. Keep going guys, I am so proud of each of you ❤️🤗