- Date posted
- 1y
Because.....
...I want to beat OCD because it's, well, ruining my life. I'm sure everyone feels the same way, don't you? I'm honestly really grateful this community exists. These thoughts started as ONE part of my day. But now, my whole day revolves around them. Ain't that crazy? I mean, I'M starting to go crazy. I'm not being me anymore. I hate it. People around me hate it. I'm losing people that were by my side.. Notably, my family members. Mom, dad, my sister... They genuinely dislike me now. Oh well, anyways, I didn't want to turn this into my sob story, I wanted to be able to resonate with everyone in the midst of this chaos,,, or something like that, sorry if you cringed while reading it, haha. You can call me Zara, I am a normal girl... except for the fact that I have OCD, and it's getting severe. Well, maybe not so normal lol.. but not in a good way. I don't remember when, but I started developing this idea that I must walk, talk, look, and act perfectly, though, that's impossible as you know. I sought balance in everything. I am not diagnosed quite yet, but hopefully, I am not being ignorant by labeling these as some of the symptoms: ripping the whole paper once I make one mistake in my writing, sit in the closest-to-perfect posture, repeating the whole sentence if I mispronounce one letter, fixing everything in my room in an extremely sophisticated clean manner... or, feeling like something is terribly wrong if I don't. An unshakable "cringe" sensation that keeps getting worse if I do it wrong. That was during primary school, of course. Needless to say, that affected my study techniques, my friendships... so I was friendless and was very slow at everything, of course;; but hey, I got full marks almost all the time, yaay! In 6th grade, we moved to a much, much bigger city. I suffered a major burnout I couldn't recover from, and I went from being a clean freak, to a messy freak... from the straight A's to the B's... yeah, only my marks weren't THAT much affected. Everything else changed about me, and of course, nobody liked it, especially me. Islam (My religion), however, kept me strong and hopeful. It was, for the longest time, my biggest and only support system, so I never gave up on myself through the years, and that kept my family hopeful for me too. Waiting silently. But the last couple of months, my prayer habits started to get affected as well.. I would feel like I forgot a step. Didn't wear my prayer clothes completely the right way.. that I accidentally invalidated my ablution.. and it started going south much quicker than I imagined. And that was it for me, folks. There went the very last straw. The little remarks and subtle criticism and tiny signs of annoyance turned into meltdowns, frustration, tears from my family's side. Nobody believed in me anymore, and of course, I do not blame them, they waited for me way too long just to see me let them down once again. I completely stopped taking care of myself, I became a disgusting, most of the time depressed mess. Useless to the family, I stopped helping with chores.. not like I did too much because of how slow I am anyway. But this time, it turned into me, just giving them more giant messes to deal with, instead of just doing nothing but sometimes fix my own. I told them I suspect having OCD, and that I should go to a doctor, or a therapist.. but my father completely brushed it off, saying there's nothing wrong with me, and that even if there was something, OCD is the easiest mental illness to deal with, it's just meant to be ignored. We are broke anyway, so I understand. With the resources, and loving community on this app, I hope I am able to conquer this challenge and, at least go back to performing prayers. I miss my relationship with my God, and since he did not give up on me, giving me a new chance everyday, I don't want to give up on myself either. I will post, in sha' Allah, about my journey and what I do everyday, continuing to try to convince my father, etc... and show you that even my tough case that followed me through my life can be beaten! So please watch me!💚 Thank you so much for sticking around until the end of this text, and have an amazing day!