How do I stop worrying about being on camera or on the internet? I keep remembering embarrassing fights or a drunk night I had. I’m such a shy person sober and when I blacked out once I lashed out at an ex who was emotionally abusive at the time. All I remember is crying, shoving people, and outside I threw my heel, and was sitting on the floor crying and my hand was bleeding. It was all fuzzy. My ex made me feel horrible for months about it. The parking lot area where I threw my heel was empty and my friends that were there were also drunk and couldn’t remember details. My ex told me my thong was to the side and when I was on the floor in the parking lot everyone could see my private’s but my friends said they don’t remember that happening and he was known to exaggerate or lie, but I can’t help but obsess that I’m on some website or on YouTube because someone secretly caught my outburst and taped it. Happened a year ago and I’m so embarrassed. This also goes for any other embarrassing moment I’ve had I obsess Im on camera and posted somewhere.

You know what is good to know about what happens in the past? It happened in the past :) So what? Let no one make you feel horrible and be sure that you can face anything that can show up...try to use the exercise..

Hey ? I can kind of relate - I've been really struggling with the day after a night out, getting drunk, things being a bit blury and not knowing exactly what happened or what I said/how I acted. HOWEVER I DO know that nearly everybody has had an embarrassing drunk story, sometimes more than one story tbh hahaha.....we all do things we regret when we are drunk and alcohol affects ppl in different ways, its gd fun getting drunk with mates but sometimes we can all go past our limits!!!!!! I bet all ur friends have had embarrassing drunk moments and if they say they haven't then they're lying <3 AND AS FOR obsessing about whether or not it's on the Internet etc I would try to do some ERP therapy and resist the compulsion to check the Internet. This ex doesn't sound like a great person to be around or atleast not very supportive, that's on him not you. gd luck and remember we alllllll make mistakes/do embarrassing things trust me

It really sounds like you went through some pretty shitty stuff with this guy - and in all honestly whether what happened made him break up with you or not I think you're way better off without him! if someone can't support you when you're at a low, why should they be able to experience you at your best! I hope you find it in yourself to forgive yourself and accept yourself and your mistakes <3 My only advice is to focus on RIGHT NOW. You can't change whats happened and obsessing won't make things easier or help change the situation and thats the harsh and annoying truth, it just won't! :-( mindfulness is my biggest recommendation, being present in the moment. You probably hear that all the time and so did I used to roll my eyes but I tried it out and after a few goes I learnt some really good ways to help me accept things. A YouTube video by Eckhart Tolle about accepting past mistakes for what they are and being in the present moment - I recommend watching videos of him on YT or his book! https://youtu.be/tbqI50bJqwk Download the headspace app and do the free ones, you can chose between 3 mins, 5 mins or 10 mins a day and they talk about sitting with thoughts, being in the present moment etc. ?

Possibly also talking to someone you can trust about what you've been through, being emotionally abused by someone is still very much abuse and should be treated the same way as any other form of abuse, you deserve to talk to someone about that, whether it's on this app or a friend or therapy or family whatever!!!!

You're welcome <3 You are in the right place on this app, it might not seem like much but there are people here to talk to who have had similar experiences and can relate and just listen to you! It sounds like you're having a really tough time and you might feel pathetic but in my eyes anyone who has had to deal with abuse is so strong. I have a close family member that has gone through emotional abuse in a relationship and its terrible, he was a pathological liar but she's out of it and it took time but she's probs the bravest/strongest person I know, and I don't doubt you are too regardless of your past etc. Things will get better, things are always shit before they're good I promise. Perhaps you need to slowly try focusing more on yourself and getting yourself back on your feet (self care and all that), when I feel lost I usually write a list of all the things I can do for myself to help myself on my way to feeling okay, even if it's something small like have a bath or bigger like look for jobs idk whatever you decide you really don't need to make BIG maaasive changes to restart your life just take care of what's important now - YOU and YOUR immediate responsibilities!!!!!!! save this thread or something anyway and if u ever wanna talk ever just comment :-) helping ppl helps me n all when my ocd is bad hahahaha

I guess I felt worse about it because my ex made me feel horrible for a long time and still told me recently we would’ve still been together if that night didn’t happen and he made the last part of our relationship so emotionally abusive. He keeps saying he’s sensitive and that’s his character but idk. It was in Dubai at a huge club and the rapper Nas was performing, and people are usually classy there. I was lucky the police there didn’t see me I would’ve gone to jail. My ex ended up sending me home to New York because things got so bad (I lost my job there and was stuck living with him). I’m afraid to ever go back to Dubai now out of embarrassment.

Thanks for your kind words and advice ❤️ yes it’s a long story but the abuse resembles what seems like narcissistic abuse. I found out while I was home that he is secretly married with a wife and two kids but now says he’s just separated and basically single, but he was chasing his other ex while still with me and he claims he went to her for comfort after my scenes. He even threatened to leave me without food and water once and I had to pretend to want to go off the balcony so he would stay. He also uses that against me. I compulsively check his friends Instagram stories on the weekends and see him already with a new girl, and it’s torture I’m putting myself through but I get anxious if I don’t check. I think the definition I found for my sick attachment to him is trauma bonded. Idk why I love and am attached so much to such a man. I held onto the lovebombing he did and the false love promises he made and now I’m an empty shell relying on him for my happiness even after everything. I haven’t started my full time job yet so I don’t have money or insurance to get therapy or medication. I’m trying to restart my life but it’s so hard and all my friends moved away or are too busy to care. I was in Dubai for a year so it’s like out of sight out of mind. I really only have this app for now. I feel so pathetic and lost right now.

Haha well I’m here to help too!! I appreciate it ❤️?? my ocd has flared up so bad again because of this stress. The worst part is my mom loved my ex and she is emotionally abused herself so she actually blamed me with him for the abuse. I was emailing him yesterday and pointed out the girl he already moved onto and I guess he wants to make me mad and said she’s special to him in each and every way. It’s like a knife in my chest and I’m having panic attacks. When this happens I don’t sleep well and I can’t function at work. He sent me home in April and I started work in a grocery store, and now I got a full time legal job that I start in a few weeks. I don’t have insurance or money to go back on meds yet so I’m trying vitamins for my anxiety and nothing is working. I am confessing for reassurance to my mom again and I just feel crippled in the house. Every Thursday and Friday I get anxious having the urge to check my exes friends Instagram stories. I know it’s better I don’t check but the urge gets so strong. Just a few weeks ago he was Skyping and flirting with me and then I lashed out at him because he basically blamed me for the abuse when I bought up something he did. He doesn’t like being called out on anything and never says sorry. He even told me he could’ve sent my nudes or masturbation videos of me to my parents but he’s a good guy. Who says that!! And all the times he wants me to strip or do anything on Skype while I was home I obsess now that he got screenshots. Blackmail is one of my biggest fears and it causes me huge anxiety. I think one thing that’s making me stuck to him is not believing I can do better and feeling unlovable. When I was in a bad place once I tried a sugar baby site and was traumatized after two encounters. I feel like no one will love me because of this and because of my ocd I feel the need to confess all my past things. I have such low self esteem. My ex also through that experience back in my face.