so scared

My obsession i feel like is really rational. And people were telling me they're fifty a d they still soend time with their siblings AND PARENTS but im 17 and my dad is already 59 and my mom is about to turn 56. I really dont have much time left with them compared to others. By the time my brain fully develops at 25, thehre gonna be so close to 70 years old. I feel horrible. I would rather die first I cant take it. I need them. I love them. ai cant take it. Why am I not young anymore, why do they have to be so old and why do I have to be so old. Once My friend made me think about turning 28, I got really anxious and soon realise my parents age would be at that time. Now im even more anxious and tbe compulsions I had before that would momentarily make me feel relieved about the idea of growing old just seem like they wont even pacify me for a second. I know my mind is thinking through a childish lense, and maybe I wont be so scared when I really do turn 28, but i cant stop thinking about this and I cant stop thinking about my age. Everything has just amplified in intensity and Im having a panic attack. And like I said I feel my fear is absolutely rational, which makes me even more scared. I dont want to be old I cant do it I just cant. Im running out of time I cant take it I cant take it I cant.. I just want my parents and my brother I dont want to lose it all. It feels like every day i lose something. I dont want to live any longer I hate this I hate it so much. I cant take it please help me. Its all I can think about Im going to throw up help me please help me please. Like this wasnt the only thing unnerving about growing older, but it just feels insanely worse. I cant replace them. Honestly im so jealous of younger me whose obsessions were hinged on being shot in certain locations. And when younger me's obsession with age was a lot more tied to size. But now I keep thinking about numebrs and Im really getting okder and its petrifying. I feel like im validating the fears and I dont know how to take it. My mom is 56 and she gets to see her mom at 75. If i make it to 56, my mom would have to also make it to 94. I wish they never had me I wish they killled me I wish they let me die before them. I wish theyd let me love them longer. Time just feels threateningly fast and slow at the same time. Im so scared. Im so scared. All my cousins are like 30 still getting to see their 50-60 year old parents. Why not me. But i really dont want to be 30 either. And I was watching soviet animations today in class and apparently dostoevsky said you become immoral at 40. I dont want to become immoral. I was raised in a catholic church and went to catholic school until I was 11. I thought dying young meant I died pure, but it seems that im not the only one who realised that. But im running out of time to die good. I dont want to be bad. I dont want to force my parents to live until they become worse. I feel like a monster. I feel like im making them older. Its like im punishing them. im just a scared little girl, but i feel like im bringing pain unto others...

ana444

Date posted: 23w

Been obsessed with death

Of course we can’t stop the inevitable but with my ocd it’s all I can think about. I’m afraid I’ll be alone for ever and I’ll fear forever. Fear does not stop death it stops life. But how do I stop fear??? I can’t think of anything scarier than the fact that our conscious will vanish for eternity. I am only 20 years old but I mean the last 5 years flew by like nothing.

gio

Date posted: 19w

21 days till Im 18, I just don’t want it to come

I can’t totally tell if this is an OCD theme or not but I’m shaking and crying and can’t stop thinking about this. I hope that this makes sense, l'm having problems understanding how to explain my emotions anymore because I just don't know what l'm feeling some days, I just don't get it that much. I'm so scared to become an adult. I don't want to not be a kid in every sense of it. I don't feel like I'm an adult at all, it feels like an expiration date in every way. I don't think I have much going for me, l'm not very smart at least I don't think I am. The things I do like don't feel like they are that much to carry me through everything life is going to bring. I feel disconnected from the actual reality l'm living, like I'm just observing it. I just have trouble caring about my future and I have no plans for anything. But time is running out to figure out what l'll do. I would get rid of any of the privileges l'd get at 18 if I could stay at 17 forever. I don't want to loose childhood, I spent my younger years trying to feel smarter than I am and trying to seem like I was mature, but I'm not. I've had really bad things happen when I was young and things I feel like set me back. I don't think I've grown at the same rate as I should have. God I'm so confused. I don't know what to do about it man. No matter how many people I talk to this doesn't stop eating away at me. Does anything I'm saying even make sense? I wish I could stop time so badly. I don't want things to change. I am not ready for it at all.

oopiedoop

Date posted: 17w

tw for talk abt death

the concept of death & existence is ruining my life rn 😭 im losing so much sleep. i try to close my eyes & all my brain wants to do is try to wrap itself around the idea of what not existing feels like & i get this sinking feeling that grows & grows until my eyes snap open & i have to go back on my phone to distract myself until im literally too exhausted to keep my head up & my body forces me to sleep. it makes having the motivation to do anything hard because all i can think is "it wont matter when i die". it sucks because i know that having MORE in my life might actually improve this, im 21 unemployed still living at home with ASD & i know once i have a job that will definitely give me more to focus on & other stresses to have lol, but i feel like im stuck in the endless cycle of "not having a life makes me worried im wasting my life & itll all be over so fast" & then "being so stressed about my life & time passing is exhausting & makes it too hard to find the motivation to do anything other than sit here" & repeat. spirituality is hard because i like thinking that way, like afterlife & shit, but i worry that im just "in denial" & using it as an unhealthy coping mechanism that leads to magical thinking thoughts. then its like i have some sort of meta ocd spiral obsessing over if what im doing is bad & unhealthy for my ocd or not. i LIKE being spiritual but im worrying im hurting myself & doing a compulsion thinking that way. it also doesnt help that religious spaces have hurt & traumatized so many people & im terrified of being apart of a "delusional" community that spreads a false narrative & attacks anyone that doesnt agree with them. i know i am not like that but i worry im still apart of the problem even thinking this way. at the end of the day no one knows the truth, no one knows what happens after death. im just struggling to sit with the uncertainty. it is so late rn idk of any of my words make sense lol

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