Big TW! Just trying to vent I made a huge mistake a few nights ago I m*sterb*ted to a 17 year old character (I’m 23). I feel disgusted with myself and sick. People online have told me I’m a p*do so now I truly believe it. I’ve gone backwards I skipped dinner bcs I feel I don’t deserve to eat I feel too sick. My ocd is also enjoying playing scenarios where I’m hurt, locked up or d*ad because I deserve it. It’s the consequences of my own actions and I feel sick with myself.

I feel nauseous. Extremely sick, i cannot eat, cant sleep well, and I haven't enjoyed things I normally enjoy to cry in bed and spiral for several days already. I feel extremely anxious over my past real events. I remembered something extremely triggering. I used to be morbidly curious about crimes and like I remember when i was a younger teen I watched a dark documentary that honestly i shouldnt have watched. There was this extremely weird scene and i think i felt weirded out but also a little aroused? but only bc I was thinking "lucky, shes already having sex. I wish I was her so i could experience it too." The poor person was like 1-3 years younger than me at the time. I KNOW how wrong that is now i legit feel like im going to throw up rn. Anyway I think I felt a little aroused??? And I think I touched myself a little bit and imagined myself in her place? I dont think I enjoyed it bc i remember it felt forced and weird and i stopped. I never did it again. I feel so sick! I would NEVER watch a documentary like that now as an adult and think or touch myself to it thats just so wrong but im scared that this is a sign im a sicko/p. I remmeber crying at the end of the documentary bc I felt disturbed by the contents but i still put some in my watch later out of morbid curiosity to see more real cases of these crimes bc they scared me. I never watched them again though. It only happened once and it was before my ocd started which SCARES me even more!!! And i wouldnt watch them as an adult either theyre too disturbing! I regret it so badly and feel like a monster bc it was messed up. Like what was wrong with me?! Theyre extremely disturbing to me and I rather avoid such content bc its triggering to my ocd but im afraid now like was that a sign of me possibly being a p? Am I a monster??? Am I in denial? Is this even ocd?! I feel so much shame and guilt it's killing me. 😔

I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to I had a compulsion to look up “child nudity” on google to see people’s opinions on whether nudity in children is sexualized or not. This came from a whole other obsession that I’m not going to get into right now. I had another compulsion to click on images and I told myself I didn’t want to do that but still did it anyway. I saw one boy naked from the front. I immediately closed the tab but then got another compulsion to look again to confirm what I saw. I searched again and looked on images this time seeing a toddler girl nude from the back. I closed the tab and got a compulsion to look at the first image again to confirm the approximate age of the boy in the first picture and this time saw a girl toddler nude from the front. Doing all of this I yelled at myself to stop and when I saw the last picture of the girl I started crying. I’m still in tears and I’m so scared. I have another urge to look at the source of that photo with the boy again to confirm he wasn’t getting sexually exploited in that image. It was from 1920 and he had a straight face so I’m worried I actually saw something really bad. These images weren’t sexualized I think but are they still considered CP? Did I just see illegal material? Either way I just looked at photos of nude children 3 separate times and now I hate myself more than I ever had before. I feel like I shouldn’t be alive right now. I’m a disgusting human being l don’t deserve to live what is wrong with me. I don’t care if this is ocd I gave into a really inappropriate compulsion and didn’t stop myself. I’m not afraid I’m going to harm children I know for a fact I would never do that but this is a step too far. How do I continue living with myself. I messaged my therapist for the first time and she said we can have a session tomorrow but I’m an absolute mess right now. I’m crying so hard I gave myself a headache and it’s getting hard to breathe correctly.

I was watching a show with my girlfriend last night and I feel like I felt like the daughter character in the show was attractive. She's supposed to be like 16-17 in the show and I think she was around at age IRL. I'm 26F. I've felt nauseated for the past few hours, obsessively googling about ephebophilia. I'm upset and scared and grossed out now, but I feel like in the moment I didn't necessarily enjoy the feeling/thought, but I didn't feel horrified either. It felt like it was genuine but made me uncomfortable. My biggest compulsion is confessing and I'm so scared I'm going to confess to my girlfriend when she gets home. I don't want to gross her out and make her wary of me. I've confessed other things related to this theme in the past, but the older I get the more distressing it becomes because a 26 year old should not find a 17 year old attractive. I'm freaking out more as I type this. I just pray this is my OCD, but something tells me it's part OCD and part real. Idk what to do. I feel like a creep and a monster. I really want to stop googling but this is all I can think about now. Just reading comments of people saying how vile this situation is if it's real attraction. And I agree. I would do anything to make these thoughts and feelings disappear. Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?