i dont know what to do

I feel like the only person that will try to listen to me and understand how I feel is my therapist. And thats inly because its her job. I just dont know how to navigate life from here on out. I need someone that understands this obsession with age and numbers but my friends do not understand. My brother and parents don't understand. I really just think its normal to feel the way I feel but they just wont admit it. If they wont admit it all I can do is feel like i need to hurt myself to have a catharsis. I feel liek if i actually could get reassurance from them I wouldnt hurt myself. But if they dont admit they feel as scared as I do I dont know how in supposed to live any longer. Im so scared of time and aging and I think thats normal especially at my age. I guess maybe its not normal to react to this fear the same way that I do, but I think its normal. Its normal to feel like youre losing everything as you grow up. Everything is changing and its scary. But why is everyone acting like they dont feel so scared. Why doesnt everyone acknowledge that 17 years really is long. Im not overreacting, I just dont know how to deal woth the constant thought and stress I feel because of it. Im almost two decades old. Ive lived through so many changes and thats scary. Even one decade was scary to me. Three decades will be even worse. Hopefully i wont make it there or to the next one. I live in a world I know, but soon it will be one that I dont. Isnt that so scary? Why do people act like its not. I havent felt at ease for years. But i want them back but i cant have them back. I dont know how to grow older, but it will show on my face. Its all I can think about. Im getting better with the mental math and comparisons I make (for the most part. I stopped countjng days specifically but I still compare ages) but im just replacing it with physical release. I dont know what to do. I just need my parents to tell me they wont miss me and maybe ill be able to let it go. But I love them so much so that will hurt if they say that. I spent so much of my life proving to myself that I was worth it to them, but now I cant keep my composure aroubd them anymore. Im convinced theyll die before im 30. All I do is cry and ruminate. Same thing when I was 14. I would cry right next to my parents but they wouldnt even acknowledge me. Or my dad would yell at me and say hed beat me up or hed throw things. He never hit me but that made me scared to open up to be honest. But one time i was crying right next to my mom when I was 14 because I had such vivid ideations of killing myself right there and I was so scared and I wanted comfort. But they wouldn't acknowledge me and so I almost took that as my sign to do it. I went for the knife, but then I just thought oh my god if I survive then imagine the hospital bill and I snapped out of it I guess. My parents both acknowledge im hurting now, but they also just don't understand it. My mom even says her friends daughter only needed two psychiatric visits and then she was "cured" I wish I could be cured. Im going to the psychiatrist soon though so maybe ill get medicated and the feelings, at least physical, will subside? i know I post a lot and it always sounds so dramatic and long, but I cant hold it in and i nearly never get anyones attention or care. I keep craving someone to understand me, to do more than just sympathize. Its also hard on here because there are so many christians. I was raised catholic, but the idea of heaven and hell are so daunting. Hell would hurt, but heaven would hurt me too. I dont want to live eternally. I dont want to know more than I do now. I want to have my parents so if there is heaven I hope to go there and with my family, but living long and long and long is so scary. I doubt theyd even look how I remember. Thats scary. Heaven has never been a comforting thought to me, but that doesnt mean I dont do all I can to be a good person and live with kindness and generosity in mind. but some people think it's comforting thing to tell others but it doesnt comfort me. I want to help people as I can now and then be gone. I dont want to see the world change into something I dont know. and i guess if I did go to heaven these fears would be gone just by default I suppose. But that feels like Id be losing myself. The current me doesnt want to lose myself. The current me finds heaven to be scary. The current me just can't understand because the current me is only human. well if anything this place is better than a crisis hotline. They feel so distant and impersonal and robotic even though its real people on the other end.