Is this wrong for dating ..? (ROCD)

hey you guys i’m new to the app, i just wanted to come on here and share part of what i’ve been struggling with recently- around the beginning of 2024 i started having intrusive thoughts and they completely took over my life to the point where i began planning my suicide once i had finished out some of my commitments for that year. during that time i met this girl and we began texting and keeping in touch with each other every single day since last february. (tw suicide) unfortunately i did have to spend some time in a hospital after i attempted suicide in may of 2024 and i never really knew if this girl was into me or if she even liked girls but we kept talking up until the end of october where we finally said we liked each other. immediately i could tell smth was wrong bc i was shaking and crying and completely scared because i wanted to be very clear that i couldn’t commit to a relationship and then i disclosed to her i was in the hospital in may and i still hadn’t fully recovered from that (#stillhavent #butiwillsoitsokay😛) and i felt awful that i had responded to such an amazing moment like that andever since then i had been plagued with these constant thoughts about not liking her, being straight (which i still don’t know and fully branched out into SOOCD and i have an incredibly hard time distinguishing what is OCD and what is genuinely true about my sexuality because ive never really felt like this for a girl) and for about 4 months we went out on dates where i felt absolutely horrible because i felt like i wasn’t acting like myself or i was being rude to her or i was more attracted to male passerby’s than her or i accidentally thought something about her that just felt so mean and horrible. i also convinced myself it could never work because i couldn’t picture her face and that continued for the first two months, but then i decided to call things off at the beginning of march because i just couldn’t handle debating if i actually liked her if i was gay if i was a horrible person and if i was wrong for all the things i thought every single day and currently we’re on a break because i tried to call things off and she kind of talked me out of it in a very kind and understanding way. i just hate leaving her in limbo because at the end of the day i just want her to be happy because she is an amazing incredible and sweet person and if i wasted more of her time i’d feel even more awful. kinda long lowk… if u read all this thank u and lmk what u think:)

Despite the fact that I have never once acted flirtatiously with someone else over the course of my 3-year relationship, never talked to anyone inappropriately, never touched or interacted with anyone inappropriately, I have been battling constant ROCD obsessions centered around cheating ever since my partner and I got together. I am constantly worried about whether certain things are cheating: daydreaming about another person (already told my partner about this and he said it was okay and that he does it too), talking in a group chat with someone, sitting next to someone, speaking to them in person. I question my intentions. I worry that I cheated by wearing my hair a certain way in an attempt to look more attractive or by jokingly poking someone with a fake sword (despite doing it to other people too), looking through someone’s social media, etc. I have confessed so many ridiculous things to my partner and he’s always told me that none of them are cheating. I feel so guilty for being attracted to someone else, despite the fact that my partner said it was fine and normal. I have made a very very conscious effort to limit my interactions with this person. I never ever ever ever message them privately, I make an obsessive effort to NOT reply to their messages in a group server (constantly keeping track of the ratio of my replies to their messages compared to other people’s), to ignore them when I see them in person and hardly ever speak to them or initiate conversation with them. Yet I still feel like a disgusting dirty cheater who is hiding a big secret.

Having a severe ROCD episode right now. I’ve had an ROCD OBSESSION with another person for months now. I want to make it clear that not only have I made sure NOT TO act on it romantically at all, I have also made sure to NEVER EVER EVER even attempt to build a friendship with this person. I do not ever initiate conversations with them, I don’t even look at them or speak to them when i see them in person, i make sure to never be alone with them, and i never ever ever even attempt to get closer to them. My limerence extends to looking up their social media, fantasizing about them, daydreaming, and viewing their messages in a group server (where i make sure to only ever joke around with and reply to OTHER PEOPLES messages, NOT theirs (intentionally). I have told my partner ALL of this; he is aware and he told me it’s fine. However, I told him it was a crush, not limerence. And i know for a fact that the only reason this stuck around for so long was because it turned into a full-blown OCD obsession where I would constantly ruminate on my actions, wonder if it was cheating or not, and then daydreaming became a compulsion where i escaped that guilt. The thing is, I’m worried that this means I’m having some sort of internal emotional affair behind his back. I even told him this, that I’m worried I am emotionally cheating, and he told me “Okay so what? What if it’s emotional cheating? What if your biggest fear is true?” He said he cares about real actions and outcomes, not thoughts and feelings and that he doesn’t want to know what happens in my head. But I am constantly obsessing over figuring out the morality of it and if i’ve developed feelings, and if that’s unforgivable and if that counts as an emotional affair (my biggest fear).